So, what you’re saying is that this guy is next in line to run the FBI after Kash gets the boot.

After many delays, I have arrived. I needed this coffee. Bad.

I love an airport bar. Chicago bound. ✈️

When you see this, post an image from your gallery to describe your mental health.

I am obligated to post this image every time Danny boy here steps on his own dick.

As a lifelong wagon supremacist, I feel compelled to clarify: our movement does not endorse huffing leaded gas fumes straight from the tank like this guy.

I'm not usually one for eugenics, but this is exactly why you don't let every pair of balls reproduce unchecked. If this guy's DNA makes it into the next generation, we’ve failed as a species.

My ‘25 top record. Sad bastard shit - incredibly on brand for yours truly.

Who wrote this, Cobra Commander?

Rich women should marry rich women. Then take over the world.

Occasionally, the Dog Portal™️ likes to switch things up and send forth a different type of fearsome beast to this plane. Hellbent on conquering this world, he uses a Gorgon-esque stare to subdue his enemies.

When you argue with me this is who you’re arguing with.

I hope I live long enough to see each and every one of these traitors hang.

“Hi, I see you have some personal space. I’d like to be in it thank you very much.” The Dog Portal has opened once again and sent forth a terrible champion.

“What are you thankful for, Bee?” “Oh, you know. Being one year closer to shedding this respirating bag of flesh and clocking out of the prison factory known as existence. The usual." Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

You've just died. The 6th picture in your gallery is what killed you.

IYKYK

Ah, yes. President Nicholas “Cum Hunter” Fuentes.

"You'll be visited by three spirits."

“I smoke on the mic like "Smokin' Joe" Frazier The hell raiser, raisin' hell with the flavor Terrorize the jam like troops in Pakistan Swingin' through your town like your neighborhood Spiderman So uhh, tick-tock and keep tickin' While I get ya flippin' off the shit I'm kickin'”

Every job has been less of a career move and more of a challenge: "Can you avoid adult responsibility for another year?" My only marketable skill is sprinting toward the absurd like a sugar-high toddler with no helmet and zero fear.

Am I dressed like a schoolgirl? Yes. Does that give you, dusty old man in this Dunks, the right to stare at me like I’m your next conquest? No. No it does not. I see you eye fucking me and it’s weirding me out. I just want my hash browns.

We've found the Turd Reich's Dr. Mengele.

A contender for the greatest sticker I’ve ever seen. IYKYK #northshorekehd

Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters.

If you see this, post your getaway vehicle.

“Sir, did you let Epstein fuck Ivanka??” “How much shaft action do you use during your blowjobs??” “Spit or swallow?”

Morality is fake. Do what you want. Eat ass. Wax your carrot. Flick your bean. Fuck anyone and everyone. None of this matters. We’re all going to die.

“Just like I, a man whose weekly routine includes renting a room at a Bethesda motor inn to outsource erotic stimulation to twinks whose professionalism varies by the hour and whose birthdates inspire legal anxiety, have nothing to hide.”

I’ve never really been fully on board the “I hate men” train, but after a crusty old white man raged at me & called me a “fucking cow” this morning in traffic I’ve been totally radicalized. You all need to be sent to re-education camps. Maybe exterminated altogether. I haven’t decided yet.

"There are huge ups with her but very self involved and to get her to be good probably requires more firmness that I enjoy." Ah yes, the man who resembles a microwaved plate of jizz has nuanced thoughts about women’s behavior. No more men. They've worn out their welcome. Fire them into the sun.

Fire this woman into the sun.

The current crop of elected Democrats are the kinds of people who will fuck you in the ass and then complain that they've got shit on their dicks.

I'm almost positive that I just heard Tony Romo say, on a national broadcast, that the Patriots are, and I quote, "DTF"

I am a simple creature.

Any and all Boston/Massachusetts accents done by a non-native.

I think he’s got a genuinely encyclopedic appreciation for the vast, terrifying possibilities of alien genital architecture. But show him anything above a B-cup and he starts acting like it’s a zoning violation. Deep down he’s a “more than a mouthful is a waste” kind of guy.

Stargate & Veep.

Pre-birthday libations. Here’s to 45 trips around the sun.

I’m such a slut for cherry flavored things. I hate how much I like this.

A Maryland flag in the shape of a rat? I thought you went home @callmemrwiggles.bsky.social ???

Stealing a line from Carlin: JD Vance is concrete proof that not every ejaculation deserves a name.

Truckload of monkeys on the loose? Just a reminder that some of us didn’t learn about monkey containment from books. We learned it in the field, under duress, with a dart gun, a drunk Russian, and a healthy fear of eye contact. Good luck out there, rookies.

“What do you mean I can’t have any bacon?”

I am, at this very moment, seriously intoxicated at a Halloween party somewhere deep in the wilds of San Diego. I’m wearing an avocado costume and have acquired a sword. I am drunk with power and am on my way to raise an army from the children in attendance.

My uncle was a gangster. Not the “vaguely connected” kind. The “actively ruining Thanksgivings with FBI surveillance vans” kind. He also happened to be present at the first mob initiation ceremony ever caught on tape by the FBI. Legend.

It doesn’t matter where I am, I’ll find phở.

To the guy next to me on this flight who just leaned over to *smell* me: Sir, your wife is sitting across the aisle. Do you really think I won’t say something to her? And before you ask, yes, it was in a lecherous manner.

The German company that makes the mechanical ladder used in the Louvre heist has used the image to advertise, with the text 'When you need to move fast' 10/10 response, no notes