My autobiography

Honestly if this dude wasn't married he'd be getting laid in ways most of us cant even imagine.

This would be me, as well.

So i made some pickles the other day, and just cracked a jar and they are fucking amazing! Here's the recipe for anyone who wants to make some jarred love. Use at least a full jalapeño per jar, or swith to a hotter pepper if you like a kick

Alaska pro-tip: after you shuck your crab hit it with a black light to find any hidden shells

This bitch

My cat behaves in a way that proves she has zero idea i could throw her in a tight spiral whenever I so chose.

This is so brilliantly stupid

The cat likes to stand on my face A LOT when I'm laying down, and some how its refreshing to know the question of "I wonder if he likes this?" has never once crossed her smooth little brain

I hate it here

Best part about your 40s is watching all your fucks vanish like they were abducted by aliens

Team Tiny Particle

Nothing like cooking yourself in the window on a sunny day

The real problem is that there is a not insignificant portion of our society that is dumb and shitty, and without question pick the dumbest, shittiest, option whenever given a choice

I always thought its be funny as fuck to flatten someone's tires, locktite the lugnuts on, and superglue the flat part of the tires to the ground

I just asked my Alexa a question about why she's so much slower to respond lately, she suggested I unplug her for ten seconds, then plug her back in, which feels like the robot equivalent of "choke me, Daddy!"

The fucking worst

Same vibes

Just walked into the store and first two people I see are literally caricatures of "shitty old white dudes". Old ball cap, white cop goatee, shitty Facebook shirt declaring how bad ass they are, that weird "gut out" orangutan posture they all have for some reason, shitty dad shoes. 1/

Batsyhead is legit one of my favorite artists

Happy Pride! Let's all ready to throw knuckle-bones at bigot faces.

Fuck Isreal. Fuck Russia. Fuck Musk. Fuck Trump. Fuck Charlie Kirk. Fuck Palantir. Fuck Joe Rogan. Fuck Tucker. Fuck Bezos. Fuck Fox News. Fuck ICE. Fuck Kid Rock. Fuck the UFC. Fuck Tate. Fuck the Murdocs. Fuck the Sacklers. Fuck the Waltons. And fuck your stupid face if you support them.

I think Bourdain was the most human human being of all time. I feel like we all collectively lost a small piece of ourselves when he died.

The look you give when someone had the audacity to give you a spa day.

Ok, so if you went to a math or physics convention do you think it's easier or harder to get laid if you have a formula or some shit named after you. Like on one hand, groupies exist in every subculture. On the other, would a nerd of that caliber be able to capitalize on that kind of good will?

All I'm saying is "pointy stick good" will NEVER let you down.

Dude can you imagine how great it must be to be one of those North Sentinel Island people. No credit score, inflation is an alien concept, and the one time that dude fucked and ate a kid you sacrificed him to the rain god. That's why they stab anyone who comes near them, they know we fucked it up.

I do find it refreshing how naked the elites are being with their evil right now. No bullshit, no even trying to pretend. We're just being the worst possible versions of ourselves up in this bitch. It almost makes me understand why people like IPAs.

It's wild we're in a war to save a pedophile.

Ok, hear me out. An SNL skit called "Maester Phil" thats a talkshow where Game of Thrones characters work out their problems a la Jerry Springer.

Why? Why are they such fucking unlikeable dorks. Like obviously billionaires shouldn't exist at all. But it's so fucking extra offensive that its dudes like this and that cotton-candy haired fuck are THE GUYS. God damn, Say what you want about Cuban, but I feel like I could at least tolerate being 1

She looks like a Bond villain watching as a henchmen gets dumped into the shark tank.

You know how they'll train computers on millions of games of chess to make a computer that can find the optimal strategy in any given arrangement of pieces. You every wonder if that's what reality is? Just the universe going through every combination of scenarios in an incomprehensibly deep 1/

EVERYONE AGREES WE ALL HATE THOSE FUCKING HEADLIGHTS, WHY DO YOU KEEP PUTTING THEM IN CARS?!?!?!?!