Well, damnit.

People keep saying that the American Dream is a lie, but as George Constanza teaches us: It’s not a lie if you believe it. www.nytimes.com/2025/11/28/o...

I am not looking forward to learning which of my very good friends are in the files www.nytimes.com/2025/11/21/o...

I have never heard of progressive or left wing Christianity. www.nytimes.com/2025/11/13/o...

If I may borrow and adapt a popular idiom from the Generation Z lexicon: Predators gonna predate. www.nytimes.com/2025/11/07/o...

If there’s a difference between racists and antiracists, communists and capitalists, liars and critical theorists, trolls and activists, idiots and philosophers, well, I can’t see it. www.nytimes.com/2025/10/30/o...

Shame on the Democrats for talking about kitchen table issues when they should be protecting democracy by criticizing themselves. www.nytimes.com/2025/10/23/o...

I didn't have time to write a column this week but don't vote for Mamdani because [insert reason here] www.nytimes.com/2025/10/23/o...

You'll never guess which party it was that went off the rails in 2015! www.nytimes.com/2025/10/09/o...

If you watch some very specific highlights from the Kirk memorial, you can begin to believe in a kind of Christian Nationalism that isn't just racism, vengeance, and psychopathy www.nytimes.com/2025/09/25/o...

I am now prepared to endorse Barack Obama for President in the 2008 Presidential Election www.nytimes.com/2025/09/18/o...

People (*cough* Mamdani) who want to help poor people get food and medicine are amoral, and probably immoral. www.nytimes.com/2025/09/05/o...

I found 5 randos on the internet, and they confirm my theory that people are selfish. www.nytimes.com/2025/08/28/o...

I know that universities are not overrun by woke postmodern orthodoxy (whatever that is), but if some nihilistic liars claim they are then we really have no choice but to believe them. www.nytimes.com/2025/08/21/o...

I challenged myself to write an essay explaining the evils of capitalism without mentioning capitalism. www.nytimes.com/2025/08/14/o...

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: people happy with the way things are going tend to be more conservative; people unhappy about it tend to want change. www.nytimes.com/2025/08/07/o...

The American people have been seduced by a deranged racist billionaire, therefore the Democrats need to stop talking about truth, race, or inequality . www.nytimes.com/2025/07/31/o...

Here's 5 ways in which the current US president is a Grade A jerk; my current wife (and former student) is much better and you should read her work. www.nytimes.com/2025/07/24/o...

If a candidate ran on hope, I would definitely vote for them. (A previous version of this columnist criticized candidates for running hope. I regret the error.) www.nytimes.com/2025/07/17/o...

I preferred it when people like me who know how to appreciate Fine Art were recognized as a Cultural Elite and got the attention and admiration they deserve. www.nytimes.com/2025/07/10/o...

Bibi and Trump are morally bankrupt barbarians. But I do at least admire their willingness to drop bombs on people in order to defend America’s God given right to drop bombs on people. www.nytimes.com/2025/06/26/o...

Democrats won’t be successful unless they can tell a narrative that appeals to everybody, not just select demographics. I really hope they can do it. Note: if the narrative talks about economic inequality, I won’t vote for it. www.nytimes.com/2025/06/05/o...

I am no longer friends with that contemptible pissant JD Vance, who took the beautiful, universal concept of American Exceptionalism and turned it into something ugly and tribal. www.nytimes.com/2025/05/29/o...

If Clinton and Obama had just called themselves Republican I could have voted for them and we wouldn’t be in this mess. www.nytimes.com/2025/05/22/o...

This very successful and very mediocre white man is rather surprised how hard it is to break into the ruling class these days. www.nytimes.com/2025/05/15/o...

If we in the moral fiber business know anything, it's that whatever the problem, the solution is moral fiber. www.nytimes.com/2025/05/01/o...

Elon Musk’s Head Comedy Writer

Trump's tariff war could reduce the supply of Christmas toys. But deporting children could reduce the demand.

I have read a lot of famous books about war and politics so believe me when I tell you that Donald Trump is bold. More bold than a lot of other people! www.nytimes.com/2025/04/24/o...

My cutesy pop-sociology won't save you this time! www.nytimes.com/2025/04/17/o...