no actually I asked for coal. so i’m super psyched. these are tears of joy. christmas joy so shut the fuck up

sorry, buddy. confidently incorrect is the only confidence I got

my favorite exchange in Home Alone

i’d have told Ebeneezer Scrooge to fuck off, I can tell you that much

fuck jeremy renner I don’t even use this app anymore

Billy Idol (grabbing a bag of Smartfood popcorn): it’s a nice day for a White Chedding

Dr. Evil’s complaint that his dad “would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark” just sounds like me every day when i’m messing with my kids. Earlier, I told them I used to be in the Paw Patrol.

watching the 2017 Oscar’s La La Land/Moonlight fiasco just to feel something

ok I’ll bite. what is a Stranger Things?

“stupid idiot” is the perfect insult. not only are you stupid but you’re a fuckin idiot to boot. unmatched.

I want to trip and fall down the Jennifer Hudson tunnel and just not get up

woah-oh here she comes WATCH OUT BOY! SHE’LL CHEW YOUR BUGS woah-oh here she comes SHE’S AN ANTEATER

i’m writing a prequel the song “Santa, Baby” it’s called “Baby Santa”

might get this. see if he left any clues in there

The government always has money set aside for SNAP benefits in case of a shutdown. The fact they’re pretending it doesn’t exist tells us 1 of 2 things: 1 Pure greed & misappropriation 2 Trump plans to “swoop in” after people suffer awhile so he can be a “hero” because all he cares about is his ego

The vibes and aesthetic of Violet’s Halloween party in Great Pumpkin are immaculate

I went to the giant red concrete ball factory and asked them if I could have one even though I’m not a Target and they shot me with a shotgun.

my DiSC assessment said i’m dead? I died 6 months ago???

love this font on the bottom. the Email Scam Font where some letters are lowercase yet still capitalized

Liam Neeson and Pamela Anderson are the only things holding this country together right now

I got snapped by thanos but only my pants disintegrated?

a crow stomped on my eyes which is why they look like this, actually. i’m super sensitive about it

imagine if the kid put a Labubu in the cupboard. what then?

*motions for car next to me to roll the window down at a red light* “hi! are you mad at me?”

Recipe: for this dish, you will need one cheesecloth me: i’m out

Hulk Hogan is dead and there is only one thing to say: RIP Ozzy 🖤

RIP but the P is for Piss

if Pokémon was real, I’d go back every now and again to Pewter City and slap Brock around, knowing I outrank him and he can’t do shit about it

I can stay up later than you. this is a threat

when Hulk transforms back into Bruce I bet that feels so good

what are some cool things to buy for someone just getting into possessions

when someone mentions there is a sweet treat in the office kitchen

this is me if you even care

[casually walks around town with a sharpie, crossing off the ‘or alive’ line on all my Wanted posters]

Me: Omg, did you hear what Willy Wonka did to all those kids in his factory?? Guy who knows Wonka personally: BILL???

welcome to america. none of our shit works. here’s 10 straight nights of fireworks.

worst thing about cloth masks is if someone has a super soaker full of water mixed with liquid ass spray and they spray thecloth, the wearer immediately has to take the cloth mask off. it’s not lethal or dangerous but I guess bad if the person is trying to hide their face?

I had the opposite experience during the rapture. My clothes disappeared, but I was left behind.

me every day in 2025

i’m reacting to comments you can’t fathom using emoji you’ve only seen in your dreams.

writing a fairytale called Giant Red Ridinghood and it’s gonna scare the living shit out of everyone.

Happy Pride! I’m so proud of all of you! 🏳️‍🌈

one day I hope to be the older, helpful neighbor who’s face you only see the top part of over the fence

there’s a thing I noticed about recent AI trends where the prompt or whatever is like “blend this picture into this picture” and it’s all like realistic looking and whatever. but there’s always a noticeable pause as the frames sync and the two images are synced together.

not to brag but the teacher wants to make an example out of me 😉

no more AI baby movie scenes. Either film the scenes when they’re babies or knock it the fuck off

nothing quite so humbling as running into your favorite ninja turtle while wearing the shirt of his lesser brother

I like that liquor that dips the bottle in hot red wax but they should let me put my hand in there sometimes

just saw a sad little tree. glad Bob Ross wasn’t there to witness

in a confusing move, MAX is changing their name to BLORF