i stand by this statement every year

You and me listening to a Roger Waters album You: Can you believe this was almost a Pink Floyd album instead of a Roger Waters album Me: ……Yes

President: So that’s when I came up with Marjorie Taylor Brown, like brown instead of green, does that track Cleaning Lady: well her middle name rhymes with Traitor President: hey you’re good at this Cleaning Lady: i just like helping President: (thumbing into phone) “Marjorie…TRAITOR….Brown..”

bluesky’s cool but it’s not drawing the hot new anti-MAGA voices they have on X. There’s this fresh young kid Curtis Yarvin over there that’s like yo MAGA failed because we should have just abolished the constitution and confiscated everyone’s money and property and I’m like yeah six seven wait what

Undercover boss but you get to shrink down and dwell among one of the five pores on your face that has been generating pimples your whole life

Plex Submits $35 Bid For Warner Bros.

Narcoterror - selling drugs so good a country gets high to death Carboterror - same thing but with doritos, pudding etc Microterror - mispronouncing an entire people’s name until they all go out for a smoke even though they quit Ergoterror - pushing the lever on a heavily crowded office chair

You bought “Farming Simulator 25” because A. You just finished Farming Simulator 1 after 24 years B. You were disappointed in Farming Simulator 24 but you heard Farming Simulator 25 combines the best elements of Farming Simulators 22 and 23 C. Gotta stay ahead of the inevitable workplace spoilers

One of my guilty sadistic pleasures is when my dogs go ape shit non stop barking because someone’s in the driveway and I open the door and they all see that it’s the dog grooming van and I’m like “oh you guys are right this IS exciting” and they’re all quietly like man fuck you

Don’t understand this, reposting to feel young

Great now I’ll have “Born in Carolina, then deployed to China, King Tut” stuck in my head all day

Take the Dwemer Bowls, Lydia. Yes all 79. What do you mean “then what,” then we sell them, then we go back for the cups. And one day you’ll be a Thane and you can have YOUR housecarl return every dwarven bowl to every dwarven ruin and I HOPE you never feel pressured to defend that activity

Winterhold Landlord: and here you see the previous Arch Mage had a garden of potion recipes imported from across Tamriel. Me: (filling pockets) Hm? Oh cool that’ll make it easy to…teach…arcane..arts - (handing Lydia ten loaves of bread) take these too. Well MAKE room lady, you took an oath

We knew it was snowing and we technically chose to fly Delta so whatever happens, you’re free to victim blame

My nephew wants to play Fortnite with me instead of Minecraft this year and I know there’s a parallel to Highlander here but it’s not a direct one because I’m dying sooner than him but he’s starting to notice I’ve been 8 his whole life

"oh, don't forget to highlight, in bright red, the two-letter word in the tagline! the two letter word that's kind of the whole point of this clever ad campaign! the two letter word that links this show to the horror movie of the same name!" "no problem boss. i'm on it"

When did everyone switch from “I appreciate it” to “I appreciate you?”

Some things I assume happened in Wicked 1 based on seeing Wicked 2: 1. The “Gravity” Song 2. Galinda leaping onto a grenade intended for Elpheba 3. Basic rundown of Oz governmental/economic structure 4. The Wizard spraying everyone and himself with an elixir that prevents direct communication

If you watched Wicked 2 last night in Kansas City I’m sorry about my cocktail. I was trying to be a good uncle and support Wicked Culture, I was not told the themed cocktail had light bulb cubes brighter than an iPhone screen. I put my jacket over it. Also did not know Wicked 1 contained vital info

Maybe he thinks you can unplug your approval rating and plug it back in again

I sense people using ChatGPT to compose “rebuttals” in social media exchanges. Spelling and apostrophe usage briefly surging to 9th grade levels mid argument. I would welcome those people using technology to refine their FIRST thoughts

it never would have occurred to me to count the crucifixion as a suicide by cop so i am quote reposting this because this observation deserves full credit. Not because i agree that crucifixion is a cop out. It looks like it really, really REALLY hurts in every movie and musical I’ve seen

I have “suicide by cop” questions that will never get answered because the people I need to ask are dead or angels

It’s pronounced Christmas jifts

I keep a fake half finished script on my laptop that’s very critical of humanity so if the robots win I can claim any anti-robot decisions I made were just research for satirical purposes

We’re going to open the files and we’re all going to be in them. Everyone on Earth but him. The last page will be his 3 star review of our universe - “gets boring after you’re president” and as I look down at my pixelated, fragmenting hands, my final thought will be “I could have just made tables”

[dying] Bruce you’re gonna be okay I’ll avenge you dad Don’t worry son be good for Alfred I’m gonna dress up like a Bat, father I … what I’ll fight clowns for you A lot of blood … Am I hallucinating Instead of getting married I will practice defusing exploding mechanical penguins I love you

had to google this: when you “get pregnant” in the Matrix, during your fake pregnancy, a real baby is conceived in its own pod. This baby is genetically unrelated to you but is assigned to you in the role of your child, after its fake birth, with an “avatar” assigned to it resembling its parents.

Michael Wolfe All Along

Me: i should take a mental health break from politics and and true crime, time to bask in the healing waters of science Max Tegmark: your entire life has been a hallucination made of math

Tried explaining to Cody that I work in an office where Pluribus spoilers will be …unavoidable…but The Americans became her crack once Elizabeth asked Phillip to bone her “as Clark.” I’ll just wear earmuffs to work for now

“We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.”

Starting season 2 of The Americans and Goat Simulator 3

LABELS!!! The cure to social media. Turns out an anonymous person saying “I hope you feel bad” is easier to process when they have “this is my 800th post today and I have ten accounts” tattooed on their forehead

Holy shit l love these Bluesky “labels,” give me ALL the labels

What are you doing with this eight hours of good mood? I’m thinking about asking a coworker how they’re doing in the kitchen

The leap from The Pitt backward to ER didn’t work for me and cody - others have done it - but the leap from The Diplomat to The Americans is going well. Is there a subreddit for men and women that want Keri Russel to beat the shit out of them

I can’t understand how we all got so politically detached. Half the men in this bar can’t be bothered to watch Vaush react to Ben Shapiro’s explanation of why his disapproval of Tucker Carlson’s interview with Nick Fuentes isn’t cancel culture

Studios Enter Bidding War Over Napkin Stephen King Wrote ‘Ghoul’ On

Non spoiler detail about “Task” that I wouldn’t mind confirming/discussing/appreciating with what I assume is a small if existent Bluesky Firearms Safety Community:

sincerely confused - and I don’t mean “sincerely” in the millennial sense of “shriekingly” but in the Gen X sense of “honestly and inneffectively” - lack of discussion around the WWII era nuke-proof bunker directly underneath the east wing

Parents Ask Detained Nanny If She’s Still Free To Watch Kids Friday https://theonion.com/parents-ask-detained-nanny-if-shes-still-free-to-watch-kids-friday/

Ballroom Contractor in Bid Meeting: we can do the demolition fast but construction will be unpredictable, supply chains are kind of fucked right now because of Trrrr (remembers where he is) rrransgender sports

I will never forgive your generation for slowing down tunnel lady

Okay fine, proofreading your sign makes ME the facist

I think Dracula could defeat Frankenstein but I don’t think Count Chocula could defeat Frankenberry and that speaks to the richness of the characters

ILLUMINATI HQ 2000 AD ILLUMINATI CEO Gentlemen. Technology is about to link every human on Earth and give them all ungoverned access to all scientific and historical information. Your cyanide pills are - ILLUMINATI ASSISTANT - Sir, it’s making people dumber ILLUMINATI CEO No fucking way

Once again ladies and gentlemen just a reminder that we do have a full flight which we will be treating as a kind of curse from a vengeful God that you, the customer, have done something to anger