get to know your mutuals and list 10 random things you like Silence Rap Excuses for not working Nachos Getting a text from a friend Thinking up a banger I get a new plant and it lives Hearing new music that’s good Coffee ice cream Dogs

Presented without comment

I have like a pinched nerve in my shoulder and it sucks so bad. Makes it really hard to sleep, and my arm and hand are kinda weak. Fuuuuck this.

Where your eyes don't go, a filthy scarecrow waves its broomstick arms And does a parody of each unconscious thing you do When you turn around to look, it's gone behind you On its face it's wearing your confused expression Where your eyes don't go

An ephebophile is just a pedophile with a thesaurus.

Know what I hate? The engagement I give bot tan by replying to it with absolute HATRED means it shows up in my skircle.

Chekhov's puppygirl (she has a gun)

I feel sorry for trees because they can’t masturbate. I bet they really want to, sometimes.

I just think the Hamburger Helper mascot probably gives really good handjobs. I don’t think that’s a weird opinion.

Democrats in Congress: “Oh no! My pants fell down!” [falls over and sticks their butt out] “I sure hope Trump doesn’t do anything NAUGHTY!” [wiggles butt around] “AHEM! I said I sure hope Trump doesn’t do anything NAUGHTY! With my cute lil BUTT!”

STEP 1: make a little birdhouse in your soul STEP 2: ??? STEP 3: profit

Awwww yeah

WTF. The band is called “Chumbawamba”? I always thought it was “Chumbawumba”! I’ve obviously crossed into another dimension in the multiverse.

Genius idea: 5,000 year mortgage. Costs $10 less per month! 🤩

I want you to all get really stoned and then take turns insulting me and each other in humorous ways. A pot roast, if you will.

The elevator pitch I made for my screenplay “The Mouse With A Thousand Butts” went GREAT! Unfortunately the people in the elevator with me were not part of the movie industry. They were just shopping in the mall. But I could tell by their expressions that they believed in me.

Final Fantasy Spoony Bard to Broody Twink pipeline

Ooo, I’m at a good level of high. Autism: manageable. Ability to do stuff and communicate: pretty good. Optimism: engaged. Amusement at how ridiculous literally everything in the universe is: at peak levels.

I don’t want the world I just want your half

Top funniest dog breed portmanteaus: Cockapoo (Cocker Spaniel/Poodle) Shitpoo (Shitzu/Poodle) Great Cock (Great Pyrenees/Cocker Spaniel) Bich Pees (Bichon Frise/Great Pyrenees)

What is your favorite sandwich to throw? I think you can’t beat the heft and splatter of a meatball sub, but I’m willing to hear other options.

The worst thing about being here at the top of shit creek is the knowledge that no one can paddle me. 😞

Wearing the new tactical underwear I ordered from an ad on facebook, with RFID blocking technology and 5 zippered pockets for all of my EDC gadgets.

“I.P. Freely” is what I call people who think artists shouldn’t be paid for what they make.

I GOT ONE! @profounddemon.bsky.social

Dick Cheney dying is pretty meh, honestly. A war criminal living a long life, getting filthy rich, never facing any consequences, and then dying of natural causes in his mid-80s?

Monthly 1:1 with my manager coming up in 50 minutes. Time to put on my “lying about how awesome I am” pants. 👖

It was a rainy Halloween and we barely put a dent in the amount of candy we bought. Where can/should I donate candy?

@agp.ceo fits make me want to get cooler clothes and dress more fashionably. Like, I have *nice* clothes, but they’re pretty basic. My biggest problem is ordering online from eBay or Poshmark because I have no idea what will fit even decently. 🤨

Last year we just left a bowl of candy on the porch. Looking at the doorbell camera footage the next day, we saw one group of kids taking a lot of candy until a little witch among them took charge and told them they were taking too much. She said they should leave more for others.

My Halloween costume is just a normal person who hands out candy to children despite the fact I hate all children.

I would NEVER give kids THC edibles for Halloween. I have other plans. [installing a huge bowl of weed onto a battery-powered leaf blower to chase kids around with]

My love language is people being honest with me. Letting me know if I did something they didn’t like, or something that hurt them or made them feel bad in any way. “Love you!” doesn’t make me feel nearly as loved as “hey, when you said (thing) that made me feel bad”.

Godspeed You! Cover Your Drink

Drop an awesome 80s movie

I got a full-body tattoo of myself in ink that exactly matches my skin tone.

There is poop in my butt For all of you sluts Why, it’s almost like being in love - Nat King Cole

I don’t mean to be horny on main, but I offended a witch and now I have antlers.

I’m convinced that the people who follow bot tan are just doing it to troll me.

Furnace broke overnight. Got quoted $900 to fix it. Fuuuuuuuck that. Fixed it myself with $30 in parts in 5 minutes. 😤

There are more than 20,000 ICE agents. Let’s say they weigh 180lbs each, on average. SNAP benefits for food-insecure people are being eliminated for no good reason, for who knows how long. …I have a modest proposal.

new aes track dropped 😩

I’m surprised Oracle isn’t a non-prophet organization.

I wear a WWDFWD bracelet. It stands for “What Would David Foster Wallace Do?” It reminds me that I have absolutely no idea who that guy is, and that really makes me think. 🤔

Fingerling potatoes? I barely even KNOW Ling Potatoes! 😳

You know what sucks right now? Stuff. AND things. 🌎 💩

I smarted my pants. 😳

HALLELUJAH