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FRODO: So, Sam. When are you moving in with me? SAM: Well, see there's just this little bit of (blushes) compulsory heterosexuality. FRODO: Oh. I see. You think your wife to be would want to move in too? SAM: Live with her husband's eccentric boyfriend? Who could say 'no' to that?

Not that it matters, as Frodo pulls a Summer House with Bag End.

People complain about Tolkien's less than stellar treatment of female characters, but what about Rosie Cotton, Sam's beard?

SARUMAN: Welcome home, you little bastards! Like how I've redecorated? SAM: Wait, you're Sharkey?!? FRODO: (deep sigh) You would not believe how long Saruman has been a piece of shit.

RUFFIAN: All of you better head back to your homes! There's twenty of us here! MERRY: (spits) You reckon I care?

I'm just going to assume Rosie Cotton is an inter-dimensional key given corporeal form from here on out.

Bilbo, the most confirmed of confirmed bachelors, gives Sam some money, "in case you want to get married," a simultaneously sweet and pointed gift to your heir's boyfriend.

SARUMAN: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, and extra special fuck you to the little ones. Come on, we're going. (kicks Grima) I'm keeping this pouch. GALADRIEL: How long has Saruman been a piece of shit? GANDALF: (deep sigh) You would not believe.

SAM: We saved the world! What did you guys do? GANDALF: I'm alive again. You may have noticed. ARAGORN: Well, I'm king. GIMLI: I saved Pippin. PIPPIN: I'm a squire now! And taller! MERRY: Me, too! On both counts! LEGOLAS: I'm going to go walk into the sea.

I'm not saying that giving Sam a girlfriend who lives in Hobbit-Canada was a last minute addition to keep his and Frodo's relationship from feeling too gay--no, wait that's exactly what I'm saying.

In the middle of professing his love for Frodo and saying that he would die next to him, Sam mentions how he would like to see Rosie Cotton again, a character we have not seen, nor heard mention of, in the books so far.

ME: Stop saying "orc hole," Tolkien. TOLKIEN: I'm not! Its "orc hold!" With a "d" ME: Likely story...

SAM: Hey, Frodo. Do you know where we are? FRODO: (looks around, squints at the distance) Not really. Why? SAM: I just wanted to know if we'll reach Mount Doom before we're dead. FRODO: My dearest Sam, I died about 20 miles back.

" 'Dear Sam,' said Frodo, and he laid back in Sam's gentle arms, closing his eyes like a child at rest when night fears are driven away by some loved voice or hand. Sam felt like he could sit like that in endless happiness. But it was not allowed." Excuse me, my stupid gay heart needs a minute.

Much like Merry, Pippin finds his courage when faced with a monster many times his size, and also like Merry, fades into unconsciousness...only for us to cut to Sam, waking up from knocking himself out at the end of THE TWO TOWERS. So much for the vaunted constitution of the hobbits.

THE MOUTH OF SAURON: First off, y'all are gonna have to rebuild Isengard. I don't know how you did all that shit, but y'all gotta fix it. And then we'll get a new boss over there, a better one. Much better. (deep sigh) You would not believe how long Saruman has been a piece shit.

Tolkien mentions "husbandmen of Lossarnach," and its fun to imagine that Lossarnach is the LGBTQ+ capital of Middle Earth. The Provincetown of Gondor, if you will.

ARAGORN: You are not fit for such a journey, Merry. But do not be ashamed. If you do no more in this war, you have already earned great honor. MERRY: I'm sure you said the same to Éowyn. ARAGORN: Who?

Sure, John Ron. Just drop the name "Angbor the Fearless" and move on. Why not? Maybe he rides a wolf.

GANDALF: Here's the plan. The last thing we want is Sauron to find Frodo, so lets rush him at the gates. Its such a dumb idea Sauron will think we have the Ring! ÉOMER: (spits) Sounds like suicide. GANDALF: Oh, it doesn't just sound like it, dawg.

People complain about Tolkien's less than stellar treatment of female characters, but what about Ioreth, a nattering biddy no one respects, who vaunted knowledge of healing is shown to be nothing compared to a man's?

ARAGORN: I'm not going into the city unless they invite me in. I don't want to start something. I'm not trying to be king. ÉOMER: (spits) Dude, we've been fightin' unner a big fuckin' flag your girlfriend made that says "Fuck off you cunts, I'm the King." ARAGORN: Yeah, but that was for the orcs.

DENETHOR: I just want things to be the way they've always been! GANDALF: Yeah...uh...that's not really how time works.

Éowyn does something that would have been seen by everyone and cheered if she was a man, but for some reason the death of the Final Boss of Pelannor Fields goes unmarked. Why should a woman get a victory? Why should a woman get a *story?* I knew all of this going in, but it's still infuriating.

Tolkien's personal brand of misogyny has been he just doesn't *think* of women. Its not so much that portrayals of women are negative so much as they are *absent.* Arwen sits in a corner and says nothing. Lobelia Sackville-Baggins is the only woman in the Shire.

People complain about Tolkien's less than stellar treatment of female characters, but what about Éowyn, who can't kill the Witch-king without the assistance of a man?

"If bird, it was greater than all other birds" is RETURN OF THE KING's "It was darker than the darkest dark."

Denethor never beating the "Professor X, but even worse" allegations.

FARAMIR: Did I do wrong? DENETHOR: I'll say you have! Boromir would have brought me the Ring! GANDALF: The fuck he would. DENETHOR: What do YOU know of MY son? GANDALF: I know that if Boromir got it, he wouldn't bring it to you. That's not how the Ring works, dawg.

ÉOWYN: Call me Dernhelm. MERRY: "Hidden by a helmet?" You sure that's going to work? ÉOWYN: Sure will. We're not runnin' with the sharpest knives in the drawer, hear?

Two undesirables, a man who is disability-coded and a woman, ride off to battle disguised and hidden amongst the army of Rohan. In "the great battle of our time," all will fight, even if tradition does not allow it.

Its interesting that while Pippin is treated as a child in Gondor, Merry is treated as someone who is disabled by the Rohirrim--he physically cannot ride one of the powerful battle-horses by himself, so he must be left behind. Props to Tolkien for wasting no time proving that ableism to be hogwash.

HIRGON: (holding an arrow painted red) Gondor calls for aid, bro. THÉODEN: The Red Arrow! Fuck me. (spits) Y'all in th' shit, hunh?

ARAGORN: I showed Sauron my sword. (giggles) Bet he shit himself.

THÉODEN: I would have you as my squire. MERRIADOC BRANDYBUCK, THE ONLY HEIR OF LORD SARADOC BRANDYBUCK, THE MASTER OF BUCKLAND: Bit of a step down if I'm being honest, but I'll take it!

"Do these people even HAVE breakfast?" Peregrin Took, asking the important questions.

GANDALF: We ride to Minas Tirith, where you will be as safe as you can possibly be. If Gondor falls, we're fucked. PIPPIN: That's not very comforting. GANDALF: Wasn't meant to be.

It's interesting to contrast this with the Jackson movie, which has a better Aragorn but a worse Sam. Gollum, of course, is a treasure in any medium. Thanks for coming along with me on this thread. On to THE RETURN OF THE KING, which will be a separate thread!

The second half, with Frodo, Sam and Gollum is heavy on the miserablism. So much so that even Tolkien has run out of ways to say things are dark by the time we get to Shelob's lair and just says "It was a darker dark than the darkest dark they had been in." It's worth it by the end, but hoo-boy.

ME: All right, Sam. This is it. Frodo's still alive. You've got Sting *and* the Ring. Time to show what you're made of! SAM:

Me reading these LOTR threads like @brennanleemulligan.bsky.social & @samreich.bsky.social need to see em- it’s all gold

EDITOR: You get that fight with Sam and Shelob? TOLKIEN: Sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked. EDITOR: What

SAM: You just lay right here tight next to me, Mister Frodo. I'll put my arm around you, safe as houses. Just rest your head right here on my lap. FRODO: My dear, dear Sam. Dearer than any friend. My dearest Sam. ME:

SAM: You know those old fantasy stories, Mr. Frodo? Those old tales of people who went on quests, and maybe they met an ersatz King Arthur or Merlin or Robin Hood? Not like what we're doing, of course. Those are just old stories. (looks the reader dead in the eye) Not like what we're doing at all.

I really like that the main conflict between Sam and Gollum is both think the other isn't treating this business seriously enough.

Speaking of grace, the people of Gondor pay homage to their lineage before they eat. Hobbits just dig right in, which is a nice touch.

At the crossroads, Frodo beholds my favorite image of the books so far: a statute of a king, broken and defiled with graffiti. The head has been knocked off, but where it lays in the dirt, a flowering vine has wound itself around it. This stone king had been recrowned by flowers.

FRODO: (at Lothlórien) A glass of water seems like a weird gift when everyone else got weapons, but whatever. FRODO: (in sight of Minas Morgul) Y'all, I think this glass of water just saved our lives.