"Okay I checked your xrays with the AI and it looks like you're good to go" WELP time to find a new dentist

I don't really watch the NFL so when I heard the Mike Mccarthy news I visualized this guy. Imagine my surprise finding out Mike Mccarthy is THIS guy.

Enter Sandman came on the radio and mid guitar solo the 3 year old says, "That sounds like a baby! It sounds like a baby's crying like WAAA WAAA." I said buddy you're not going to fucking believe this and showed him this picture but he's 3 and can't read so the moment was ruined.

@circusmaximus.bsky.social if you still need patio chairs, now's the time at your friendly neighborhood Hotdog Store

Don't try and tell me I'm not the main character of the universe when I made coleslaw twice in two weeks and singlehandedly brought about the year of the cabbage

3 hour drive and she poppes the top less than 15 minutes in so you already know what time it is

2016 was a good year for zooming. 2026 is gonna be even better because both the kids have one now.

If it's going to be 100 every day in the summer it should not be allowed to be 25 in the winter

Know who WASN'T implicated? That's right. The Western University Dolphins.

Wife scooped a chihuahua type out of traffic and brought it home because *surely* somebody misses this dog! Turns out nobody misses this dog because that was 3 years ago. Yesterday she found her calling. That baby outweighs her by 25lbs and she's going up hill. When does Iditarod registration open?

Would saying people drink Jack with Coke because Jack Daniels is trash be a hot take? Also this looks like the set of The Man Show

"Daddy, I love beer, too. Can we buy some kid beer for me at Walmart?" 1 I'm not sure what this "kid beer" is, exactly. 2 Buying a 12 pack of Busch NA for a three year old feels like a slippery slope.

My takeaway is that we're going to start world war 3 over an oil tanker named spaghetti sauce

Made pulled pork with a potato masher ask me anything

Go Noles

Closing out 2025 with a delicious breakfast of gas station chicken sandwich, egg roll, and potato logs. Closing out 2025 STRONG.

Never forget 🫡

The image doesn't do justice to just how low these were. As the Huey flies, I'm 2 miles from the airport and it sounded like goddamn Apocalypse Now out here. 10/10. Love it.

Marshawn Lynch doesn't know what he likes better. The ambiance, or the Wordle 1,655 4/6 ⬛⬛⬛🟨🟨 ⬛🟨⬛🟨⬛ 🟨🟩⬛⬛⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

My neighborhood chinese spot runs out of doughnuts every christmas and that makes me so proud

Godspeed to every other parent out there playing, "There's no way they were thoughtful enough to include this many spare parts. Which step did I skip?" Thought they had us there for a minute I'm not gonna lie

Made it to 7:15 on Christmas morning with a 3 year old. Not bad.

Wife made a bundt cake and put the 2 baby Jesus figurines in it. We're calling it a King of Kings Cake. Merry Christmas.

Which one of you told Sony that what we needed was speakers in the controller? Why did they put speakers in the controller?

The 3 year old has announced Santa would like hotdogs and beer. Raise 'em right.

Not a bad way to spend the afternoon

He means Next Gen Stats but I read National Geologic Survey and it still works

My main takeaway from the new Knives Out is that I can't tell the difference between Josh Brolin and Jeff Bridges

13 yo "How do you pluralize Jesus?" Me "Well in the case of those Baby Jesus figures you got from the living nativity the correct nomenclature is Young Jeezies. Now come over here and help your brother light the menorah."

A man on facebook marketplace had a pair of Coleman minibikes for a very reasonable price and this is now about to be the best Christmas ever

Anybody else get called out of the shower to facilitate 8am ants on a log this morning?

Donatello: You're a claustrophobic! Casey Jones: HEY! I never even LOOKED at another guy before. I definitely missed that one in '91

There's an ios update my work phone can't have because it requires 14gb of free space. I will gladly delete everything on it if this is the one where they figure out how to make punctuation -not- disable caps lock. Probably too big an ask.

I am @theonion.com print edition's exact direct hit target demo

Paid actual money for a 90s Disney game set on xbox so that I can have this whenever I want.

One of these things is not like the others. If you have toddlers and aren't hip to Danny Go! yet, fix that. Happy Moon is junior's favorite but Robot Energy is a legit banger.

Carry the 7 and that's... I wonder what eating 8,640 calories in one sitting does to the human body?

Got mail from @stephenhartzell.bsky.social / @sickoscommittee.org / @hitdpod.bsky.social today and I don't know what y'all are on about. That envelope was 100% taped securely. This'll take the sting off the FSU - UF rock fight I'm going to suffer through this afternoon!

There's no law that says you can't have a chili dog bar at friendsgiving. I checked.

Happiest thanksgiving to everybody with one of THOSE kids. Chicken nuggs and a lunchable. Just like Squanto taught Myles Standish to make in 1492 or whatever.

I spent a misguided youth (all through my 30s tbh) judging foil pan people. I never knew the freedom of not having to track down the lid to my corningware on the way out the potluck. No longer. I'M FREE.

If the good lord wanted me to use a hand towel I wouldn't have been born with pants

Sister in law assigned a couple dishes and told me to get a craft for the kids. 2 of the kids are 13. So I chose violence.

I've received my third solocitation email from the FSU alumni association this month after not hearing from them since 2006. Mike Norvell is staying. Whole school must be broke. You hate to see it.

This would fix me

*gestures toward egg nog in the dairy case* "Dad can we get the thick milk again?" Three and a half is a magical age.

Malik Benson jumped off the sinking ship at FSU and just returned a punt for a TD. For Oregon. On a completely unrelated note, FSU failed to secure possession on a punt *twice* last night. Norvell's got this thing right where he wants it and just needs one more year to really get it humming.

FSU's dead and it's raining in Vegas. Over to qualifying!

Jesus criminy

In 2005 I had a roommate who owned a couple of those Bum Fights dvds. To me, they were extremely depressing. Anyway I'm watching FSU NC State and it's really taking me back.