*Protect and Survive voice* In the event of a chemical weapons attack this is the sound you will hear.

When you're a Liverpool theatre and you need an absolute cert to subsidise your more experimental programme.

*Laughs in Yes Minister*

As part of our theme #OutintheField, we’re sharing recent discoveries made by National Trust archaeologists and partners alongside current fieldwork. Did you know that the Sefton Coast at Formby in Lancashire contains tantalising glimpses into the lives of our hunter-gather ancestors? 🧵

Sorry @ianbetteridge.com but I think this one's a yes.

"Even before they took over, the Nazis had made clumsy efforts to get the Times to replace Ebbutt as its correspondent by suggesting to Lady Astor, whose family owned the paper, that he was a drunk. In power, they switched to more direct methods."

still happy to do this, folks

Right. That's enough newswrangling for one weekend. I'm off to launch my campaign to bring back Lillibullero youtu.be/Glmq-t8G2ZY?...

Researchers have found out why productivity in Finland drops every fall for a period of 8 weeks: people sit glued to their screens watching the annual puppy live feed

Little My, the Snork, A Fillyjonk

*Side of a bus voice* We send the EU £350 million a week, let's send the EU £350 million a week instead.

Or Mr Green as he's known to theFSB.

Guy Fawkes' signature vs Guy Fawkes' signature after finishing the NCTJ shorthand module.

Think I'll stick with the cash ISA on.ft.com/47CjGSl

The beatings will continue until graduate trainee moral improves.

Any chance of reviving the Motorail sleeper?

Highest turnout since 1969 in the USA, you say? youtu.be/mS_BsLxMqn4?...

Not mum's face, man who voted for the leopards eating faces party has confirmed.

Your occasional reminder that the triple lock is there for a reason.

Just a hunch

Not now, London UInderground mosquito with ancient Egyptian bloodline. www.thetimes.com/uk/science/a...

When the 'something' is cancer, I'd focus on the 'may happen' bit, and then imagine the conversation with the adult you didn't vaccinate.

"The date of the offence predates eight other speeding charges for which Fofana was disqualified from driving for two years in May."

Oh God. My local cafe has acquired a piano.

‘They were careless people…they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness, or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made.’

Tell that its cook well those passions read Which yet survive, stamped on this shortened crust, The hand that rolled it, and the heart that fed; And on the pedestal, these words appear: My name is Ozymandias, Cook of cooks;

It is right and proper that a hotel in Battersea gets top billing, but when did bed linen become an "in-room amenity".

Not that sort of law and order, the Times has confirmed.

OK, it's not frightening but I am clearly the "some people do not like films where there are any intense emotional moments whatsoever," because: The Red Turtle *sniff*

Not now, Carnivourous death ball sponges! www.theguardian.com/environment/...

Or twice the usual number of suspects, as it's known.

Sigh.

Fucking Hell

Happy middle aged men proposing a day trip to Belgium on Eurostar day to all who celebrate.

You can definitely justify that new bike, scientists have confirmed.

Increasingly convinced that the far right's problem with the world / embrace of conspiracies comes down Nature papers being harder to follow than Dan Brown.

New cooker coming tomorrow. Pulled the old one away from the wall to see if it might need a bit of a wipe down.

Gosh this sounds terribly unfair on drivers 1/4 www.thetimes.com/uk/transport... ... except ....

So, on the train up to Liverpool, the chap next to me had the RCP members database open on his laptop and I swear the person opposite him was the spitting image of👇. They got off at different stations, but if two similar cases weren't exchanged I'm a Mexican icepick salesman.

I thought we agreed to keep this quiet.

For what shall it profit a man, to gain a whole hour in bed, if he's grumpy because the central heating came on at 6am instead of 7 and woke him up.

Nominative determinism

*Victor Laszlo voice* "And what if you track down these inflatable frogs and arrest them? What if you arrested all of us? From every corner of the US, hundreds, thousands would rise to take our places. Even ICE can't arrest that fast.

They know what you did last summer.

Our phone number is easily dialed by mistake by people who want to order Damart thermal underwear. And I can confirmthe weather has turned.

FinReg Panto season has started, I see.

For many long-term users, it's not the chocolate that's the problem, it's what it's been cut with by unscrupulous dealers.

Oh hai, Euston.

Nominative determinism in action.