I can’t believe C-Frenz is gone. I once sat across from a guy getting sucked off while explaining why crypto prices are volatile because trading volume has a high positive correlation with price stability. I was indifferent to the blowjob. He asked me about crypto prices.

RIP C-Frenz. I sounded like a weirdo on the last night explaining, “No the physical location will be gone. What is transferring is the business entity that was sold with the $300K Los Angeles County liquor license,” and getting weird stares.

God I hope lawsuits sink this shit. So much tech stuff “succeeded,” in the sense that it was allowed to exist if not profitable, because of lack of enforcement. Unlicensed taxis. Stolen intellectual property. Providing medical, legal, and psychiatric advice without a license. Fuck the tech sector.

lol let me see the kids like it’s an animal shelter. Apparently they showed up before drop off time as well.

If I had to get HIV just to top that twink Mike Johnson I would. It is insane how the basic medication, a modern miracle and triumph over a disease that was a death sentence in the 80’s, is now a hot potato. Who will cover it?

Whose? Homan is a former is a former police officer. And we all know they treat their wives well.

It owns that this guy is rich enough to force us into learning about his mid life crisis where he applies astrology to his bodily secretions. Reading tea leaves in his toilet bowl and measuring the timing, consistency, and chemical composition between shits.

Hell yeah the attention economy is now giving Somali owned daycare centers the Planet Ping Pong treatment. Thank you, Elon.

Stuart has some incredibly shitty takes. My favorite was him siding with that Tony guy and his racist set at the MSG Trump rally. The set objectively sucked. The kind of racist jokes high schoolers have been whispering to their friends at the lunch table for decades. Unoriginal and uninspired.

Another GOP asshole who treated his wife like shit on the national stage. He also said at one TPUSA conference that women over 30 have no value. Erika is 37.

Lol cool the president is quoting an insane guy with a self published book. The back cover is worth a read. The release date and description make it look like the dude was one of the early users who ChatGPT convinced they were star children or something.

i just laughed so hard i almost passed out

*Getting booed off the stage at karaoke for singing Ye’s “Hallehujah”* “Well why was it an option!?!?” *The host beats me with the mic stand*

My cat loves me. I’d marry her if I could. However, I would still make her shit in a box if she were human.

People talk shit like, Oh you scoop your cat’s piss and shit out of a box. Actually it owns I can trick them into doing it in a specific location for easier disposal.

I live on the third floor of my building in a gated condo. So there's not a lot of foot traffic. I also have two locks. If I hear someoneone in the hallway I make it a point to rush to the door and turn one of the locks loudly to make them feel like a criminal. Fuck you, neeighbors.

Me at the gay bar: Yeah bis are basically gender liberals. They’re gonna side with the fash when it comes down to it. That’s why we need to crush them too. GaHoWa.

I am flying. The stars move slowly in my blurry vision. A vague memory of an explosion lingers. I am cold, frigid, but held by a warm and comfforting embrace. "Who are you?" "I'm @schnorkles.bsky.social." "Fuck you! I'll kill you!" "Fuck you back bitch," he replies.

My god it took them forever to make the last season of Stranger Things. Wynona Rider is visibly dying from old age. They forgot to edit out her IVs in some scenes. The high school aged kids are clearly in their 30’s. One has a cancer kazoo.

“By the time you figure out it’s not a hot dog you’re committed. You want to finish it as fast as possible. It’s a point of pride.” *im studiously taking notes*

“And you stand by that claim.” “Yes. I’m the youngest man to ever live.” *I cross my legs seductively, revealing the spats on my horse boots*

Hello. I'm Cum Shitter Lewis, author of the beloved children's book The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe And in my new series: "Is he @schnorkles.bsky.social?" I'm going to drop some real game changers. Tune in to my podcast: "Did Schnorkles eat a poo?" for more details.

Reagan: The scariest words in the English language are “I’m from the government and I’m @schnorkles.bsky.social… I’m Ronald Reagan. The president. You know me.”

Congratulations to everyone who survived Christmas with @schnorkles.bsky.social He is a psychopath and monster. What he did to you is not normal. Now is the time for healing.

I normally don’t block but if you post an XJCD comic that’s an instant mute. It’s not that they’re unfunny, it’s that even if you get the joke you groan instead of laugh.

I actually only know about this guy because people who care more than I do point and laugh.

The breaks didn’t work and the car actually sped up. Still love the car. Thank you Elon.

Lmao.

“Two sisters try to scissor their mother” is the funniest and most accurate way to summarize Kill La Kill.

Holy shit. We are expecting four inches of rain fall in the Valley. I don’t know how to communicate that to people who live in cities who have regular rain. Our building’s pool will overflow. I will need galoshes to walk in the courtyard. LA streets overflow with half an inch of rainfall.

Pluribus feels like the actual, contrarian, spiteful antithesis to "Show, don't tell." You've shown me for 40 minutes I get it just telll me how the plot progresses.

*Alien plant monsters land on my balcony as I’m having my morning smoothie.* “Greetings ally. Help us kill the hyoo-mons.” “I’m a human.” “But you are 300% plant and mushroom fiber?” “I’m a bottom.” “What is bot-tom?”

Virtuous citizens! It brings me great pleasure to announce this: @schnorkles.bsky.social spun out and crashed over the Sea of Pyeongyang. There were no survivors! The traitor Schnorkles was in the process of repatriating freed US Veterans to Korean prisons. He and his pigdogs will not be missed!

It’s just because if you believe this was a revolt then Bari Weiss was basically asleep at the wheel until the angry mob breached the throne room. If she’d done her job and shown up to any screenings before international copies were sent out she could have killed it quieter.

Your power bill has tripled and you can't afford new PC parts just to create this.

@schnorkles.bsky.social you fucking bitch I bought your book “Am You Schnorkles?” It just says no on the first page and then it’s 400 blank pages. I want a refund you fucking hack.

If you have HBO Max or any streaming service that includes Adult Swim please watch Ha Ha, You Clowns. It started as a bunch of YouTube shorts about idiot suburban bro high school triplets who are genuinely earnest and kind about supporting their widowed dad and it’s funny and uplifting.

I went to a friend’s birthday and offered and gave anyone who wanted it medical grade speed. I even offered it to his girlfriend who is having heart problems, but I told her I just wanted to offer it because I didn’t want her to feel left out. I’m a good invite.

Mike Johnson’s political genius is just sitting face to face with people and agreeing with them, saying they’re right, and then doing nothing. It’s not a long term plan. But you start off looking really smart.

Happy birthday @schnorkles.bsky.social you fucking monster!

I have an un redacted copy of the Epstein files and apparently Donald Trump, President of the United States of America, was Lorum Ipsum Dolor Sit Ametting girls. And if anyone reading this speaks gay Catholic we can get to the bottom of this case.

Very cool!

Things are going great over at X, The Everything App

I will harness the power of the sun to write an email to my subordinate telling him I received his message informing me he was ill and will be out today.

Don’t press the heart button.

Good. Eat shit. You raised a monster who willingly joined the American gestapo and I’m glad your shitty child is dead and can’t separate more children from their families. Everyone telling you you suck is right. Take a fucking hint.

Why is this hideous cromagnin being trotted out of her cave to have peanut butter smeared on her gums as if her opinion matters? Fucking shameful job by the media rehabbing the Jewish space lasers lady.

Another productive HOA meeting. An elderly woman complained that a bat flew into her home. And while I sympathize, that sounds awful and frankly scary when you factor in rabies, you can also just use the fucking bug screen on your patio door and call Animal Control.

Gonna go get my ass kicked at Smash Broa at the gay bar. I at least consistently place second and have brief moments of competence that wow the crowd.

The rake stepping administration, just constantly stepping on rakes and nailing themselves in the balls. All day, every day, constantly telling everyone that no actually they meant to ritualistically torture their testicles.