Jimmy Kimmel's Monologue now has 14.3 MILLION VIEWS on YouTube. It would be a shame for you to share it www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1tj...

Its 4:20 somewhere.

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I know the rapture didn't happen, but if anyone still wants to give away their stuff, I'll take it.

I think I'm about to get raptured! No wait, that's just thunder combined with the fact that I have to take a shit. I always get them confused.

Paracetamol is my favorite Metallica album.

It's 4:20 somewhere.

So the life of a wiseguy consisted of a lot of silently waiting. They were subject to the whims of the capo above them. They would collect an envelope or visit a delinquent business to give them a warning or twist their arm, literally, or take things from the business as "Interest". But mostly wait.

My house in CT has a little radio/amplifier on the screened in patio that I just noticed has a mic input. That means I can play guitar though it without having to lug a big ass amplifier out here. I think I may make this my primary residence. I have like 30 effects pedals. There will be concerts.

Ok, hear me out... Battle of the Bands, but to the death.

Oh, hey kids, don't forget to leave cookies and milk out for Earth, Wind and Fire tonight. Badeeyah to all a y'all! #21September #Badeeyah

I don't get up to CT enough. I'm realizing that now because I noticed that there's a different car in the driveway next door. The wife's car is the same, but I can't remember what the husband looks like so now I don't know if he got a new car or she got a new husband.

So now my mafioso amigo is pulling out camping gear from the 80s that he never used because I convinced him that sleeping outside is beneficial to longer life. He wants to sleep in a tent tonight because he never has and I'm going to do it because he is the boss.

All that light, all those distractions and no one has a clean shot? I'm kinda let down.

I drove 190 miles to my other house just to listen to woodpeckers having sex outside my window just like at home. If you haven't heard what a racket they make, you either don't live by woodpeckers or make a lot of noise during sex, yourselves. In which case send video.

I don't have a ring doorbell on my house in CT because I don't stay here most of the time, and tonight I'm glad I don'tbecause the family down the hill is celebrating a birthday with fireworks and I don't have to get 10,000 notifications asking if they were gunshots. #growup #seriouslygrowup #baby

Dropping Goomba off at home. Goomba: You wanna see the house? I got a pop a shot machine in the basement. Me: You serious? G: I got a bar, a pool table, a pinball machine and a TV on a projector down there. I had a man cave before any of those hacks on tv even called it that.

My new Goomba: So you just sleep on the porch? Me: *Tells him long story about sleeping on the ground in Scotland and burying myself every night while in Ukraine. Goomba: Is it good for you? Me: The cure for Tuberculosis is sleeping outside. Goomba: My wife's gonna think I'm nuts.

My new Cosa Nostra Compadre was impressed with my golf game. I'm horrible on the fairway, but I make up for it with my short game. I'm teaching him to play Lagrange on the guitar. He confirmed a story that I had heard about a Cleveland area mob hit. No one ever was charged. They're all dead now.

Buy bullets now, people.

Hitting a late golf game with my new mob buddy to talk more about the old days. I told him I could be Billy Crystal to his Robert DeNiro if he wants to get some things off his chest. We hung around most of yesterday. I'm hoping he'll just drop some huge story in my lap, but I can't get my hopes up.

For those of you who don't know, it's harvest time. Now that the migrant workers who harvest our food are afraid to take the jobs, and Americans can't or won't, guess what's going to happen. That's right, food will rot in the fields and prices will skyrocket. But you can use the N-word now. #GOPedo

anyone who can get pregnant needs to be withholding sex from anyone who does not support reproductive rights like genuinely

Still hanging with my new friend. We went wine shopping, I don't know what it is with mob guys, but they love wine. I bought him a bottle of good Lambrusco, by which I mean I bought a bottle of wine that I can drink like Kool aid so he doesn't think I'm judging him. He introduced me to his wife.

So Disney got on their knees because of the illegal threat to cancel a multi-billion dollar merger because of something Kimmel said about trump and maga. I hope that maybe Disney has lawyers that could expose the illegality it, mostly because the #GOPedo admitted to it openly. But cowardice won out

Sunflower that came up under the bird feeder.

And if anybody was wondering, the Mafia is still a real thing. They don't operate like they used to. They work in different things, they have learned to keep a low profile. The violence has been replaced by financial distress. They control real estate markets, stock scams and crypto scams.

Getting close to New Haven. The more I talk to this guy the more I find myself mimicking his accent. I'm trying so hard not to say "Fuggetabattit". He keeps making me stop so we can talk outside the truck. He says I would have made a good getaway driver. I told him about the time I outran the NYPD.

My Ring Doorbell is starting to scare me.

Does every car on this island backfire constantly or is it a Friday thing?

Sitting on the bench waiting for my favorite Staten Island diner to open, talking to two old wiseguys I'm interviewing for a book. They showed up early because they were suspicious about talking about the old days to someone they don't know. I showed up early because I didn't hit traffic.

Robert Redford never got any plastic surgery. In Hollywood, this is as rare as a marriage that lasts longer than a year. He said "People know how old you are, you're not fooling anyone." He had confidence that a lot of his peers didn't. I always respected that.

Thinking about the Late, great Michael Stanley today, and the man who puts the white lines on the highway. youtu.be/AhCZYyRUviE?...

Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74

It's 4:20 somewhere.

Watching the bees take over the hummingbird feeder and seeing the hummingbirds try to land on it without screaming at the bees is a metaphor for watching what's happening in Congress right now.

😎🪴🌵 sometimes it's best to make the time

Big Toad came to worship his weird umbrella frog god.

We keep going through these motions where people ask to see the #Epstien files and the doj keeps pretending there's something in them they need to protect besides the names of the president and a large majority of his donors. It's depressing that there are people who are still fooled by this.

I wonder what it feels like to lose so badly every time. The melon felon said he'd release his taxes and then fought to the supreme court to hide them. He said he'd release the Epstein files and will fight to suppress them to the supreme court. Then it became obvious he is guilty of child rape.

Charlie Kirk's dying words were trying to spin mass shootings in the US to include gang violence. He was trying to make the point that gang members shooting each other equated to racist white incels shooting dozens of ten year olds. Then was immediately shot in the neck by a racist white incel.

This is the reaction of someone who's never had a job to people actually doing their job. He can't give orders or ask questions because he doesn't have the remotest idea what's actually happening. This is what happens when your only qualification is loyalty to a pedophile rapist.

I was just getting on stage tonight when someone yelled "Do you know CPR?!" I said, 'I think we could do Looking Out My Back Door', and everybody laughed,except, you know...that one guy.

A lot of people are unaware of how #ice is doing their best to save the environment. One way is by using cars that run on ammonia. A great way to help them out is to fill their tank for them when they're away from their vehicles. The area highlighted on the picture is where the tank is located.

I can't understand why young Republicans are so prone to settle their disagreements with gun violence. You would think that people who put the ten commandments on their wall would know how to control themselves.