BRING BACK INTERMISSIONS!! If I have to sit through a 3 hour movie I should be able to pee without missing anything.

It’s like hands free chain smoking

Mom said she had a killer headache today

ICU nurses are angels.

The last 20 hours have been hell

My mother had a brain bleed today. I’m sitting in the ICU trying to be strong for my sisters. Take your blood pressure medication please.

I’m truly surprised that of all the men Taylor picked she chose the one with CTE

I quit smoking cigarettes three months ago and the amount of rage I feel on a daily basis is incalculable

First thing I see when I opened Twitter (yes im gonna deadname that bitch) is a GIANT dick, which perfectly sums up that hellscape now.

My grown ass coworker is walking around the office barefoot like this is his home. Men are the worst.

It’s my first day wearing glasses because I am an old. Do they just get smudged all the time?? Without even touching them???

Summer House is finally over 😭

I just stopped myself from saying something mean to someone. I’m proud of myself but a little sad because it was very funny. Growth.

I’m trying to use the power of positive thinking and I’m going to buy a bottle of champagne for when he dies. I’d rather be prepared than caught off guard.

I couldn’t have graduated high school 25 years ago. That’s just crazy because 2001 was only 11 years ago.

I know I’m PMSing because I just had a daydream about him dying and started crying happy tears

Lol. Lmao even.

My Nana turned 89 yesterday, she’s one the smartest, funniest and cutest people I’ve ever met.

Why does every guy look like Michael Cera now? Every guy in my office looks like this:

Ciara read that bitch for filth and it was deserved #summerhouse

They’re going to have to hide his grave because so many people will vandalize it

Watching Bravo may be the best or worst decision of my life

I don’t like coming into the office where I have to sit by musty ass man children. DEODORANT IS NOT A SUBSTITUTE FOR SOAP AND WATER!!

I am truly blessed to have amazing friends in my life

Idk why I’ve never watched Jujitsu Kaisen before now, but it’s really good

I lost my Duolingo streak at 1261 days

PSA: check your weed today! Sick fucks may be filling it with Halloween candy!

One year ago we rolled a bunch of joints to hand out as favors for our wedding. Less weed this year but more joy

The ONE time I post something good and this sites all fucked up 😑

WHY ISN’T HE DEAD YET??!?? WHATS TAKING SO LONG???

Filed my extension! Suck my dick IRS!

I only have glittery lotion in my purse so now I look like I could be a black vampire in Twilight

it's friday. a warm sunny day. spring has arrived and everywhere is the sound of birds returning north. buds are on the trees. woodland creatures scamper. a peaceful calm fills the air. a perfect day for someone to just fucking do it already.

AI is trying to ruin every single email I send

I hate every single truck driver I have to work with. It’s honestly terrifying that these dumb fucks are legally allowed to drive.

I’m just working to survive long enough to see that man fucking die

what people sound like when they say i asked claude

Tiger being drunk in that crash is the least surprising thing about it

I’m not trying to speak this into existence but I honestly thought Clint Eastwood was dead.

It was 70 yesterday

My husband let out the longest, most drawn out fart while he locked eyes with me and said: “it was the cat.”

Death finally punched Chuck Norris in the face

I’ve lost 28lbs since January so at least I’ll be hot when the economy finally collapses

I do not know how you can watch both Sinners and One Battle After Another and think that One Battle After Another was the superior movie. I am fucking baffled. The ONLY good thing about this is I no longer have to entertain the idea of or listen to takes about Marty Supreme being best picture

And nothing for Timothee Chalamet. BYE! #Oscars

I hate this show. See yall next year 😑

YAAAAAASSSSSASSS MICHAEL BABY YAAAAAAAASSSSS

See, I know I should turn this shit off right now before I’m further disappointed but I never learn.

STOP GIVING JAMES CAMERON MOVIES OSCARS WHEN THEY SUCK

Fuck Sean Penn