Surprise! Happy birthday!

My favourite internet shrimp died and that sweet southern woman obsessed with Guelph, Ontario is separated from her husband why did I open tiktok 😭

My work put a new seat on the toilet nearest my office and it's SO uncomfortable my legs fall asleep like right away. How am I supposed to do time theft under these conditions

"chest hair out" and it's shoulder pubes

If I don't win the lottery soon I fear I may die

The only thing I hate more than the American voting public is this loud numbers homosexual on CNN

Who up contemplating their red dot

Seeing someone with an ash cross on their forehead

yall would fuck a dishwasher if it was photographed at the gym

I know a noodle soup hates to see me coming

Imagine if it happened right after this

I love lent because I love giving up

I feel like once you've been at work for 2 hours you should be able to go home

Heartburn! In my late 30s

I'm so glad heated rivalry taught me that everyone in hockey is gay

I had a dream that Whoopi died 😩

Lorena Bobbitt defending herself in court:

When I'm pulling down a guy's underwear and I'm not sure if the bulge is mostly just balls or not

WE NEED EYES ON GAGA IMMEDIATELY

Louis XIV to his royal court after issuing the edict of Nantes and evicting the Hugeunauts from France:

Who up Virgo respice their mater respice?

Just walked past an elderly man wearing rubber boots and a hoodie that said "I HATE RUBBER BOOTS"

What happened to donuts? You used to be able to get good donuts everywhere 👴

Soybean farmers:

Who up stimulating their local economy

Run your enemies over with your car so there are no consequences 😍

Taking myself out for a date 🥰

Friendly reminder you do not need to hustle you can stay in bed it's warm there and there are no emails marked high importance ❣️❣️❣️

Why is it a florist and not a flowermonger we should have more mongers

Replying "🍅🍅🍅" to boyfriend reveals from men who flirt with me

Me realizing there's only an hour left before Valentine's day:

Vegans when the bird consents:

Telling an old person to put their phone away at the theatre is simply the best feeling in the world OH HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED.

If a worm ate my brain I simply would not be out in public saying things like this.

Please dear Lord let this 6'7" man with meaty thighs match with me on hinge I deserve that

I hate to be the joy behar of bad news

I wonder what % of global tourism spending is gay men buzzing around the world for some cum

It's going to kill me, but first I will kill them 😍

Maybe it's the cough syrup talking but for a moment I forgot that Tanya Harding and Tara Lipinski are different people and I was like "how is no one bringing that woman's broken leg up at the round table"

It's giving

I love quote prompts that provide me answers to your banking security questions! 😍😍😍 Yum yum yum gobbling up your identity.

I'll have the same, but instead of the touch of a man can I get extra bacon on the side?

to be or [TW: suicidal ideation] not to be

Ok I have figured out that one of them is an on/off for the outlet behind my couch with the loose pussy that can't hold a plug in place!!! We're making progress people.

*told you so dance*

Americans are trying to take everything from us, claiming it as their own, and we must resist. ✊🍁

My Internet has gone down how am I supposed to watch men with fat asses under these conditions???

Wake up it's time for hot men with fat asses to do stuff on the ice for medals

If you don't have tickets to see Robyn, idk what to say you're heterosexual now.

Who up being gay