Was telling a story to someone and mentioned that I sneezed and they went, "Oh and I've HEARD your sneezes." And I had to stop telling the story and be like "wait what the fuck is wrong with my sneezes?"

just ordered the flounder fish sandwich from popeyes

Streisand having the microphone secretly in her pocket before busting out in song is so jenna maroney coded lol

Google AI told me Oscars started at 8 and then Hulu won't let me rewind. Also my teeth are chipped and dont have dental coverage so I have to cut my apples up and eat them like a child would

My front teeth are chipped and I don't have dental coverage so I gotta cut up apples and eat them like a child would

I know thats right

At this point I feel like the majority of the world has forgotten some crucial lore behind "Jake from State Farm", but I haven't forgotten him

Theres like 3 types of Dropkick Murphy songs: -Punk rock used to be more punk! -Unions provide workers with stability and voice in their workplace! -I lost my leg!

Just remembered I have a Letterboxd and have made only one post

uh?? what goes on in this room in my office?

uh?? what goes on in this room in my office?

I want to apologize for my past slander of "wears shorts in winter" style guys. I now see you wear shorts because you are powerful in body and conviction

Still haven't reached my quarterly goals of seeing Mr. Beast's face on my tv

King K.Rool 'Donkey Kong Country' Super Nintendo

Wanna get a bunch of guys together and sing the "Eh, eheu, eheu" part of Pompeii by Bastille. Think that could be a fun guy thing

Started cracking up just thinking about the concept of "Captain Jack Sparrow"

Got buzzed into a jewelry shop and went "Oh I'm doing Uncut Gems rn"

Respect to Don Lemon obviously, but I don't think Trump realizes he's just going to come out of this more annoying than any of us could possibly imagine

A second stranger has told me that I look like JD Vance

I only see them on mute at a bar so I dont know what's really going on, but I like these commercials where it appears AT&T is forcing Hollywood leading men into exile for untold phone crimes. Begone!

Incredible

Dry January hack: it doesnt apply to alcohol in foods so you can just eat a ton of penne alla vodka everyday to keep the buzz going

A great fear of mine as I get older is that a group of gen z kids find out what my last name is and really take it to riff city while I meekly laugh it off

shes the perfect woman...

This guy won't leave!!!

Yes, always

[trump voice] the so-called "new girl" should be...cece! we love cece! don't we folks?

ordered popeyes

You: *wake up at 10:30am* Parents: Good morning! ...Or should I say...*longest, most sinister pregnant pause* Good AFTERNOON!

Pure, stilled rizz

The Family Stone? Well, I must say, it is, based on what occurs in the film, in fact, more like "The Family Bones"!!

PAUL HUNHAM WILL RETURN IN... HOLDOVERS: AGE OF ANAXAGORAS

If this kid pulled the same shit in America nowadays he would be sent to Venezuela

Alan Rickman and Mr. Bean so good together in the jewelry shop scene in Love Actually. Real life Looney Tune pairing

she hit him with the "extree extree" hat

The virgin Mark. The chad Colin

Fellas, a fun new holiday bit I've discovered that really annoys girlfriends/wives is to sing Christmas Carols in Cameron Winter voice, especially if your gf/wife is not familiar with the band Geese or Mr. Winter's solo work

Watching 4 Christmases. Nothing against Reese Witherspoon, but I would like to see how far Vince Vaughn could chuck her

These are my two dipshit sons

I'm in North Carolina and a 2ft tall southern woman with Guy Fieri hair pulled me aside and said "Excuse me, has anyone ever told you that you look like JD Vance? I hope you take that as a compliment"

Watching The Santa Clause and someone needs to bully these elves, man. So smug. "I have shoes older than you!" Hey buddy how about I shove you in the locker you keep those shoes in

No family is worth visiting for the holidays if you have to fly out of Newark

Does anyone wanna see a really good Getty image of Rita Moreno and Sam The Eagle having dinner in 1979?

Feel like Bill Maher seems like a guy that would be in the Epstein files but I also think it's possible he went one time but he was so annoying he was never invited again

Task on HBO!!

Lot of shit things happened this year but on the other hand I just scared my cat laughing after suddenly remembering that Fat Joe tried to claim the Taliban both took a day off when michael jackson died and were shown on CNN solemnly body popping in his memory.

Every sports team not only needs a mascot, it needs to be heavily enforced by management that the players pretend the mascot is a real guy and an equally revered member of the team

Walked out of the gym looking so nasty and haggard that a guy on the street gave me his number and asked if I wanted to go to church with him and his son