wait, is this what straight people call love?

ive never been honestly attracted to a guy before but this 27 year old body builder model with a boiler room set booked kept showing me all the porn stars hes had sex with on drugs and telling me insane crimes he does and i was like 'i would totally blow this guy right now if he asked'

people reference 'trans civil rights leaders' like we're an organized political movement and not a group of mostly powerless, homeless autistic people being targeted. honestly, the closest thing we have to a leader is hunter shafter.

trans elders aren’t real because that would require a community that doesn’t implicitly hate older women. at best, the community tolerates older women, at times fetishizes, but not at all loves

ada valentine and violet valentine leaving the teas.

ffs is crazy because i see a photo or video from 3 months ago and im embarrassed i was walking around looking like that. no wonder strangers were total dicks to me.

i spent my 20's making sunny, catchy pop music with standard def music videos of all my amazing friends doing silly dances and every once in awhile i get to go back and smile at a youth phenomenally well spent. youtu.be/4oai3c7T9k0?...

a silver lining to my first movie dragging on is that 2 years ago i was hot and thought everyone actually liked me then a bunch of people quickly lost interest and that made me much, much wiser to how all this works and who has been real. not to say im not open to fake friends if they come later.

'do crazy shit for the story' was a vitalizing life philosophy when i was a young hot cis white guy but as an older non passing transexual its like a playbook to sincerely get murdered. rethinking it!

part of my hell is being neurodivergent dyslexic in a way where i frequently jumble the meanings of what i try to say in a community of neurodivergent hyper literalists.

if youre ever curious what im talking about when i talk about the artsy chinease movies im into this is directed by christopher doyle, wog kar-wai's dp in his sole directing effort. its truly a dp's movie, vibes, moments, colors that stay with you and feelings. www.youtube.com/watch?v=iixb...

id do anything, anything, anything to be the third mic on this panel. youtu.be/MHf838xVuds?...

id do anything, anything, anything to be the third mic on this panel. youtu.be/MHf838xVuds?...

if youre ever curious what im talking about when i talk about the artsy chinease movies im into this is directed by christopher doyle, wog kar-wai's dp in his sole directing effort. its truly a dp's movie, vibes, moments, colors that stay with you and feelings. www.youtube.com/watch?v=iixb...

I'm feeling sad, someone should buy me boobs.

bottom w/ ada valentine💜

pretending to be a guy during sex was way more of a freaky kink thing then just being a girl ever could be.

pretending to be a guy during sex was way more of a freaky kink thing then just being a girl ever could be.

violet doomer arc incoming. apologies in advance. i used to brag and be happy on social media and it just made the crab bucket jealous and hateful. maybe some honest tears at least wont feed that bs at least. my whole life i had it together now im behind on rent and worse.

No cis person thinks of us as human. Some will pretend to the death that they do because being seen as good people in this society-wide game is that important to them. But even they don't actually think of us as human. They're incapable of it.

earnestly trying to make the case to my producer that even though we are over budget and basically finished and in financial hell we need to give trapaholics guy 300 bucks to read halimede tweets in the credits. auteur

i wish there was such a thing as a trans elder because i have been guessing and fumbling my way through this for years and nobody has ever given me even a hint what im doing wrong

the only real choice is to accept the pain of our reality, to channel it, to move it out and past it. friendship, therapy, meditation, stuff like that - or one can hide in pop stoicism which is just going to asphyxiate your brain, like.. you will become a zombie devoid of anything other than misery.

I've very much displaced my rage too. the knowledge doesn't liberate me from the negative parts of my own libidinal behavior. I think every single person I have or will interact with out in the city is dealing with the same thing thing right now, we're all in pain.

when someone who doesn't know me or doesn't know me well gets really upset at me, I know the rage I'm receiving is not because of me but because I'm available to have it channeled through. the thing I wasn't taught that I'm learning now is that my knowledge doesn't protect me from the pain of it.

being an older transexual is a unique hell because to society youre just a sexual object but not a particularly valuable sexual object.

you do all this with to grow and understand transphobia and intercommunity dynamics and the difficulties of true empathy and its so hard and in many ways it really doesnt matter because the only real payoff is that when immature people are evil to you, you pointlessly understand it more. worthless.

the the maddening thing about transitioning later in life is perpetually knowing you're being treated dramatically worse than you ever were in your whole life and constantly having to pretend for the comfort of others thats not even a little bit the case.

i cant stop laughing about a 6.5 hour movie that starts with a full minute of the bambi drone how does stuff like this even exist.

as long as you have a lot of people in your life worth caring about the rest is just passing noise you can usually just wait out.

castration movie ii is so fucking good

sorry i laughed incredibly loud at the into to castration movie ii that bambi sleep shit cracks me up every time

at castration movie i crossed paths with someone with exhausting intercommunity gossip so i left right before the scene with the girl who spit in my mouth once was coming up and met these cis people in the lobby that i complained about trans people to in my cat ears and thats living the castration m

i think this is the best queer movie of this generation, period. 20 years from now it will be gen z paris is burning. a perfect little time capsule of pre-covid LA culture thats already feels nostalgic. the world is changing so fast. you need to watch. please share it. archive.org/details/hhvf...

part of my hell is being neurodivergent dyslexic in a way where i frequently jumble the meanings of what i try to say in a community of neurodivergent hyper literalists.

i dont do cocaine but since i got ffs im offered by strangers constantly. i wish they offered me money though.

horror.

it would cost 300 dollars to get the trapaholics guy to read the t4t is like incest halimede tweet but i cant afford groceries so i can't y really justify it but its beyond frustrating and i kind of want to go an indiegogo for 300 bucks i want it do bag.

life is easier when you start assume that even people you like are maybe 10% out to get you.

bottom w/ ada valentine💜

<trying to slip a gofundme link into my retweet groups once to kind of see if it flies.>

i think this is the best queer movie of this generation, period. 20 years from now it will be gen z paris is burning. a perfect little time capsule of pre-covid LA culture thats already feels nostalgic. the world is changing so fast. you need to watch. please share it. archive.org/details/hhvf...

i genuinely am considering opening my movie with an alfred hitchcock presents intro where i explicately distance myself from left wing violence and i hate to spoil it and psychos dont seem to get it but i see the movie as a pretty brutal critique of what i see as an incredibly narcissistic act

i made a movie about lesbian who murder billionaires as an arbitrary metaphor for a complicated break up and i wore a gun necklace because it went with every outfit.i accidentally became a lightning rod for a terrifying type of person i didnt know actually existed irl. my next movie will be a romcom

'do crazy shit for the story' was a vitalizing life philosophy when i was a young hot cis white guy but as an older non passing transexual its like a playbook to sincerely get murdered. rethinking it!

if you can help one of the greatest queer film makers and a genuine, kind person.

having been stuck in my first movie for years more than i had planned and being driven a little crazy by that just wants to rewrite my first movie 1000 times darker now that ive lives so much crazy shit since then. just go all-in on the self destruction kink and have them die gloriously every act.