I'm tired of being haunted by the living

I don't need you, no of course not, I'd never do something so foolish as that. But, I think, I might enjoy you. It would be nice

I lend a hand, why not? I care and it's just a hand. Then it slowly becomes an arm below the elbow, then a foot, next a leg. I throw myself down that hollow tree trunk in the slow decent to wonderland then pick all the emotional shrapnel from their soul. No more shrinking myself

Make the pain pretty to distract them from risking a moment's empathy 🖤

I don't think journalists should doxx people

❔

Breaking the fourth wall is the ultimate level of dissociating. It's an out of body experience that abandons immersion in the world of the story for character & audience. It's an abandoning of oneself to explain & justify our own existence. It's a begging for relief. Tragicomedy

Someone said we must turn off our empathy for our abusers. I don't think so. I think we need to refocus our empathy on ourselves and their other targets. We need to dream bigger while being willing to build that world together. It's much more fulfilling than just wishing them ill

I only come in freak flavour so congratulations to those with a taste for me

Actually, Mister Joel, bad people can also die young

Turns out being emotionally stretched is just resisting growth. Damn. I meant physically!

Breaking the cycle of generational bad taste in men

You seem to think my heart bleeds involuntarily I don't resist the tears that well at the suffering of others I choose this because I choose love I choose to be who I needed When I had no one if that makes me weak Then consider me the weakest lifeform ever to grace the earth ❤️‍🔥

I left someone like my character named Chance. He's the hero but he's terrified. He falls in love with a girl in his magic sword. He refuses to fight. He hides & drags his heels. He's irrationally afraid of hats. I trapped myself in a sword for him & then welded myself for us 💔

Do you think Prometheus eventually got used to the pain? If the Greeks believed the liver was the seat of all emotions then wouldn't he be numbed? He wouldn't feel anxious because his emotions were removed. It's effectively like total dissociation. He might not even remember it

Dissociating in the liminal office space in my mind, if anyone needs me

(in harmony now) alone

It was always more of a performative and unhinged fan fiction about the psychology of right wing figures, wasn't it? She poured milk over a cardboard cutout of grifter who just agreed to debate 20 Atheists as 1 Christian & refused to confirm if he was Christian or not. Theatric!

I have invented a new turn of phrase to succinctly describe my relationship with my mother: emotional curb stomp

I think about you, my friend, more than I will ever be able to express. The spell, whatever the cause, that keeps me silent is no one's fault but I do not blame you for disbelief. You cannot check my heart out of the library for casual perusing and I seldom read from it aloud ❤️‍🩹

You wanted me to play a role but to improvise the script. Each correction should be eagerly embraced, oh & there were so many, without ever expressing any hint of fatigue or resisting restriction. But your direction was uninspired, grotesque, & I wish I'd rejected the role sooner

I was too quiet. Too clever. Too obedient. Too strange. Too capable. Too tempting. Too insightful. Too much yet never enough. But I never believed them. I wasn't to their taste but that didn't mean I wasn't exquisite. But I believed that they were incapable of appreciating me ❤️‍🩹

Fuck growth I wanna be stretched

Something has been broken. It clatters around inside. It still works, I can wind it up, but the tune is somehow unfamiliar now. There's no way to open it to discover the broken piece and reconnect it again. If I hold still perhaps I won't notice...the something that broke

If you're still suppressing that feeling in your chest, tightening your throat to resist screaming, then why? What are you saving your voice for? I suggest you speak up before they cut off our tongues

They're not a snack as in a small meal that temporarily satisfies hunger between more substantial meals. No. Snack as in their present in my life sustains me on a deep level like nourishment that strengthens my bones, feeds my rushing blood, and makes my skin glow with life ❤️‍🔥

It was hard for me to pay attention to the sitcom scenes because I was much more invested in the drama series style scenes. Now it feels like my memory of living in the USA is fading all the traumatic parts which means erasing an entire person - my own "Kevin". I walked away ❤️‍🩹

ko-fi.com/gnat friendly reminder that my job has cut my hours and I wasn't even making enough to pay my rent before the cut so if you'd like to help make my life a wee bit easier by throwing change my way I'd appreciate it. (I also posted some previously unseen art there)

14 years of psychological torture

The pixie dust of life dances around my upturned hands. There's no grasping it, I don't try, as I marvel in delight. I cannot feel fearful of losing these sparkles because they never belonged to me. I am only borrowing this flesh from the gracious universe herself. I cannot stay

Every day the temptation to grow more obscure and hostile grows

Have you supported your local degenerates today?

Listening to Labyrinth OST while stoned in the shower is seemingly the ideal listening experience. Thank you to David Bowie for showing me how not only to be a goblin king but also to abolish one. The soundtrack is so incredibly 80s, even moreso than the movie, in the best way

Maybe I don't deserve your sympathy, your empathy, or basic human decency. I don't get to choose if I'm seen as human. I just know my viscera is as sticky & putrid as yours. Perhaps you've numbed yourself to the world. I'm shaking myself to restore sensation. You can only watch

Sorry I've been distant. I promise it will only get worse. I'm not running away, no, it's more like skipping off with a peal of laughter back into the unknown dark places that so long contained me before I briefly slunk into the light. It's my nature, my comfort, it feels right

Quoth Dick Valentine of Electric Six 🫀

No, I've just got something in my eye. Yeah, it's just some grief for the first decades of my life. These days still feel surreal. It's hard to feel solid, flesh & blood, swaddled in my solitude. It will pass. Everything passes. But I need to make art tomorrow. Just anything 🖤

We live in a system that is a zero sum game. Capitalism requires an underclass of subhumans. We can hardly be surprised that some people have decided that winning the game is more important than trying to change the rules to make them fairer. I don't agree with them but I get their fearful reasoning

Most are fine with pain as long as I smile through it. If I ever stop smiling then I'm at fault. If I need to excise the pus; I'm disgusting. The scars where others have brutalized me are my ugliness. Look away, cowards, my beauty is not for those who cannot fully comprehend ❤️‍🔥

I heard it. Oh, I think I heard it. The death rattle of your hold on me. What a beautiful sound...

Am I mad at you? No, why would I be? Do you want me to search what I recall of our relationship? Do you want to invite me to talk about anything between us that still bothers me? No? Well, then my feelings are my business & responsibility. If you don't want truth then why ask?

You can actually just be a freak. They try to paywall beauty & human connection but we can actually just love anyone even if they don't meet some arbitrary fashion standard for how their flesh is allowed to appear. We can slip our wrists from the shackles of shame. No one can't stop us

He made me increasingly afraid of the world & especially other men. It wasn't conscious on his part but he got what he wanted so 'twas very much intentional. Don't allow another's shame to shrink you, my loves, nor their anxiety to silence you. It's never worth it. It isn't love

The humming of my fridge made the opening notes of no surprises by Radiohead just now. Existence is fun sometimes

They ran out of land to conquer so they captured our attention. Now they want to stake a claim in our brains by offering to think for us, to take the outputs of ChatGPT as truth when GenAI is known to lie, as it tells us to make poison gas for cleaning. AI sucks up everything including extremism 💀

I used to be afraid to talk to people when I was stoned because I feared that I would let too much of me out. People can handle a modest dose of my seemingly toxic personality but few can handle the relaxed & without restraint version of me. Even masked (brimmed?) people fear me

I'm envious of the relationships future me will have with wonderful people. It's a motivating form of envy. I am excited for us both to reach that place. I love people. They hurt me because I'm open to them & incapable of closing much or for long. I lift my heavy heart & grow 🫀

Quoth Dick Valentine of Electric Six 🫀

So I scare you? You're welcome 🫀

I understand so much but it doesn't save me. Enlightenment is lifting my face from the briny soup of societally acceptable viewpoints only to see so few other faces above the surface. Trying to speak into the water to reach those ever deeper but only creating bubbles of CO² 🫀