got my industrial sized buttplug, it's made of rock

welcome to jokers kitchen

video calling w the homies they told me to say hi

gonna pick up some dinner at the jt gutters food truck. y'all want anything?

[at the houston space center] ohh, so this is where they keep all the space ..

you know your a chocaholic: when your eating poops.. just in case

who up waxing they crescent rn

"can i have some of these texas sized texas shaped nuggets?" is a sentence i never thought i'd say but here we are

this is the real life website for a real life law firm & i would trust them with my life

americans: fuck it, jar of grated parmesan cheese

how do i face book?

[dracula flow voice] smoking that shit that got the west calling chai "chai tea"

me: mom can we get a meter at the store? mom: we have a meter at home the meter at home:

i'm gonna have to kill her. the ring is mine

!!!ALERT ALL AMERICANS - EMERGENCY!!! drop you suggestions for things i should do while in houston

[walking out of olive garden with unlimited bradsticks stuffed into my pocket-lined trenchcoat]: someone dropped their breadstick! i wonder who it could be ..

do you think this'll fit in my hand luggage

and suffer

they got the emergency gun on this bus

schiphol has cancelled thousands of flights because of bad weather, and just as i need to make a connection to visit the love of my life, the weather clears up. it's providence. i believe in god now amen , hallelujah!

[70s detective voice] this whole town's starting to smell like one big turd.. and unfortunately for the criminal scum in this town, i love the smell of poop

why would i wash my hands after peeing when i already wash them during peeing anyways

you have coffee to wake up in the morning i have coffee to shit in the morning we are not the same

what university do i have to go to to become the kind of doctor that can make frankensteins

i'm poopin #rockandroll

michael buble in english is michael tittyfuck

gandalf you can NOT be saying "i will not say do not weep for not all tears are an evil" to me i will cry

why he lay like that

birds at my parents' bird feeders: a thread

my cat doing a racist impression

pussy needle was my nickname in high school

go on youtube and search "trololo" sound of the summer

damned Daniel & his accursed vans

when i grow up i want to go through the canning process

jimmy neutron bomb

does anyone actually know what the deal is with bob dylan

asking for one and a half burger at the drive thru

some guy with long hair just knocked on my door to ask me if i had a moment to talk about him

i love the website

language is an amazing way to communicate.. no matter how you do it!!

this settles it, i'm normal. do not refer to me

real age reveal

my calendar entry was off by an hour. time to kill myself

piss in your pants>piss on your pants

i'm so sick and deranged that watching a movie at 11am is just normal to me

partner got stolen by orange cat, what do?

i can't wait to come home from my future 9-5 job to play a video game where i work a 9-5 job

i have a special pill that makes me become smart for one whole day

wow, christmas, just a week away, can you believe it?