ethereal demon (pardoned turkey)
@seppuku.surgery
📤 1116
📥 380
📝 4494
i need to be put down for good i’m the #1 reply guy to
@jambles.lol
pinned post!
happy halloween
23 days ago
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if gunshots start going off in the neighborhood fuck it i’m firing too
about 1 hour ago
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"i wanna go to walmart when i'm there" - my foreign partner
about 15 hours ago
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yellow by coldplay playing in my head while i pee
about 15 hours ago
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getting rid of my gender really fixed me
1 day ago
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i wish i could yell "show me your hands" to everyone i didn't trust
1 day ago
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god there’s gotta be a better way to consume magnesium than this giant fucking horse pill i have to swallow and choke on every morning
2 days ago
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i rarely ever talk about politics but you would think with karoline leavitt money you’d get a better lip job
2 days ago
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god could have at least put satan on a PIP before he threw him out of heaven
3 days ago
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my boss at my temp job pulled me into her office today to tell me she’s opening up a position and wants to offer it to me :)
3 days ago
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if i ever disappear it’s because i returned back to venus
3 days ago
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i don't know what it is but justin timberlake looks like an artificial android that belongs in detroit become human or something
4 days ago
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cat just headbutt me in the nose so hard that it started bleeding lol
4 days ago
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no take
5 days ago
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even after a year of driving there’s still a 50/50 chance i pull into a parking spot and completely fuck it up
5 days ago
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i’m trying to popularize wearing your watch on your ankle
6 days ago
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hey who has my one braincell and can i have it back?
6 days ago
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they put this in the parking garage for free
7 days ago
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7 days ago
7
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asking for a pupcup for myself
7 days ago
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i posted an ad on nextdoor looking for someone to help clean/organize my room and i don't mean to be judgmental but a couple amab men offered and im like ??????
7 days ago
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trapping myself in a mirror maze as self punishment
8 days ago
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i suffer from lower back pain and the faint memory that in my past life i definitely participated in the hundred years’ war
9 days ago
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perpetually squinting my eyeballs
10 days ago
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me huffing and puffing as i begrudgedly pay the $70 annual fee for my domain
10 days ago
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i just had an intrusive thought of sucking hobbit toes and now i need to wash my brain
10 days ago
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“let sit for one minute. serve.” bitch that shit is still piping hot after that are you trying to kill me?
11 days ago
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i hate evil elevators…. yknow… the ones that make a little sound… do a little shake
11 days ago
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started gaslighting myself into thinking i had one of those burrito blankets until i was like of course i dont, but now im still here thinking i do
11 days ago
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the eunuchs of imperial china can’t hurt me
12 days ago
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finally remembering to take my $400 sunglasses with me this morning instead of just constantly suffering
12 days ago
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the government being able to shut down as if it’s not a public service to the citizens is frankly fucking stupid
12 days ago
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fucked up that this cat just purposely fully grabbed my nose ring
13 days ago
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i got bit by a spider
14 days ago
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0 reason for putting your lime in your beer without squeezing it first
16 days ago
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i love going into the living room to yoink my cat and saying “i want cuddles” and she just obliges
16 days ago
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first day i made it to work without missing any exits lmao
17 days ago
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whoever invented lanes that end and merge just want to kill people
18 days ago
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my one eyed cat proceeded to slap me in the eyeball this morning (i guess bc i was blinking?) and gave me an eyeball scratch he must be jealous
18 days ago
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the hat stays on during sex
19 days ago
1
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i made a new recipe the other night and i just want to share it because it's literally so good: rotini pasta and equal parts cottage cheese (large curd) and sour cream. generous amounts of freshly cracked pepper and bacon bits
19 days ago
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calling the vet and asking if i can get spayed
19 days ago
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who up conniving this morning
19 days ago
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im embarrassed by the autistic melty i just had
19 days ago
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why cover the one eye you literally don’t have
20 days ago
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please
20 days ago
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stop
20 days ago
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alright the name is between don pollo and kevin bingle, unfortunately i got veto’d for suggesting josef mengele
21 days ago
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best name recommendation gets to name him
21 days ago
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gotta be real with yall folks last night was not easy
22 days ago
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i had to euthanize the kitten which is what the vet recommended. i tried my best to
22 days ago
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