if gunshots start going off in the neighborhood fuck it i’m firing too

"i wanna go to walmart when i'm there" - my foreign partner

yellow by coldplay playing in my head while i pee

getting rid of my gender really fixed me

i wish i could yell "show me your hands" to everyone i didn't trust

god there’s gotta be a better way to consume magnesium than this giant fucking horse pill i have to swallow and choke on every morning

i rarely ever talk about politics but you would think with karoline leavitt money you’d get a better lip job

god could have at least put satan on a PIP before he threw him out of heaven

my boss at my temp job pulled me into her office today to tell me she’s opening up a position and wants to offer it to me :)

if i ever disappear it’s because i returned back to venus

i don't know what it is but justin timberlake looks like an artificial android that belongs in detroit become human or something

cat just headbutt me in the nose so hard that it started bleeding lol

no take

even after a year of driving there’s still a 50/50 chance i pull into a parking spot and completely fuck it up

i’m trying to popularize wearing your watch on your ankle

hey who has my one braincell and can i have it back?

they put this in the parking garage for free

asking for a pupcup for myself

i posted an ad on nextdoor looking for someone to help clean/organize my room and i don't mean to be judgmental but a couple amab men offered and im like ??????

trapping myself in a mirror maze as self punishment

i suffer from lower back pain and the faint memory that in my past life i definitely participated in the hundred years’ war

perpetually squinting my eyeballs

me huffing and puffing as i begrudgedly pay the $70 annual fee for my domain

i just had an intrusive thought of sucking hobbit toes and now i need to wash my brain

“let sit for one minute. serve.” bitch that shit is still piping hot after that are you trying to kill me?

i hate evil elevators…. yknow… the ones that make a little sound… do a little shake

started gaslighting myself into thinking i had one of those burrito blankets until i was like of course i dont, but now im still here thinking i do

the eunuchs of imperial china can’t hurt me

finally remembering to take my $400 sunglasses with me this morning instead of just constantly suffering

the government being able to shut down as if it’s not a public service to the citizens is frankly fucking stupid

fucked up that this cat just purposely fully grabbed my nose ring

i got bit by a spider

0 reason for putting your lime in your beer without squeezing it first

i love going into the living room to yoink my cat and saying “i want cuddles” and she just obliges

first day i made it to work without missing any exits lmao

whoever invented lanes that end and merge just want to kill people

my one eyed cat proceeded to slap me in the eyeball this morning (i guess bc i was blinking?) and gave me an eyeball scratch he must be jealous

the hat stays on during sex

i made a new recipe the other night and i just want to share it because it's literally so good: rotini pasta and equal parts cottage cheese (large curd) and sour cream. generous amounts of freshly cracked pepper and bacon bits

calling the vet and asking if i can get spayed

who up conniving this morning

im embarrassed by the autistic melty i just had

why cover the one eye you literally don’t have

please

stop

alright the name is between don pollo and kevin bingle, unfortunately i got veto’d for suggesting josef mengele

best name recommendation gets to name him

gotta be real with yall folks last night was not easy

i had to euthanize the kitten which is what the vet recommended. i tried my best to