My favorite insult people try to insult me with online is when they put "comedian" in quotes. Like, sir, I will happily produce a 1099 from the Dayton Funny Bone for $150.

Y'all can still watch Tiktok's from two weeks ago on Reels. #tiktok

Optimus Prime hearing Transformers are being blown due to the ice storm:

I wish everyone with bright ass headlights would cheat on Carrie Underwood.

Therapist: Did you ever consider that you may have something that someone else is looking for... Me(cutting off my therapist): No Therapist: Really? Me: Yeah, never crossed my mind. Therapist: Oh... *furiously writes on notepad*

People with Punisher skulls on their truck think they're badass until I approach them and start a 6 hour discussion about Garth Ennis' run on the book.

Ben Folds' "Brick" is a Day After Christmas song.

If you meet your significant other on BlueSky, you're legally obligated to get married at the library.

What cool bands did you discover this year? I'm very happy to have discovered Hot Mulligan.

I have the opposite of a foot fetish. I hate feet so much I switched to the metric system.

I wanna start a reality show called "Laryngitis." It'd be for everyone who lost The Voice. 🎤

As you get older, you often hope someone really is just burning toast.

Tonight's a big bar night for dudes who still wear their letterman's jacket.

I do a horror movie podcast called They’re Coming To Get You. We have over 100 episodes. Here are a few of our recent ones.

200 active and engaged BlueSky followers is the equivalent of 2.4 million followers on Twitter.

The best part of this time of year is everyone sharing how many different holiday things can murder your pets.

Hot Take: Law and Order SVU seasons got better and more consistent AFTER Stabler left (but I still love Christopher Meloni).

Kohls when they see my flannel and cardigan lovin' ass comin' in the week of Thanksgiving.

My favorite part of doing comedy in small towns is seeing the hottest women married to Valvoline's 10th Rd draft pick.

I don't care what the theater says, I'm gonna sing along to Gladiator 2. #moviesky

Wait, you're telling me a banana nutted in this muffin?

We're building to 2018 NXT Gargano and Ciampa feud. #smackdown #wrestlesky

I got followed by my first Onlyfans spam account. BlueSky has officially made it.

New app, new me*! *I immediately try too hard to be funny to get people to like me before devolving into wrestling hot-takes and horror movie stuff.

Cranberry sauce in the shape of the can the real GOAT of Thanksgiving.

This has been a difficult November but I want everyone to know I've been nuttin' enough for everyone.

"Witness me!" I scream as I spray Mountain Dew into my mouth during Civil War 2.

@cripplethreat8.bsky.social Oh shit, they'll just let anyone on here

I linked my Amazon purchases to GoodReads and it's like "Do you wanna read/rate the inflatable tube man you got for your niece?"

If I read a book, you best believe I'm gonna sneak it into conversations. "Oh, you're having eggs for breakfast? Did you know eggs can be green..."

It's almost the "Watch Lord of the Rings because I associate it with Christmas and a simpler time in my life where everything didn't feel like it was on fire all the time" part of the year!

I'm now getting to Law and Order SVU seasons where I know what they are using for their RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES episodes. Just watched the Duggar family inspired episode.

Every week in fantasy football, I leave it all on the field*! *My couch where I am helpless to do anything

I'm just thankful to have another app that I get to check 500 times a day.

Hello, I tell jokes on stage and on the internet. Also, I watch wrestling and horror movies. Oh, and I'm filled with anxiety all the time.

Welp, I'm here now.