Every year, when I make the Amazing Spider-Egg, the biggest challenge is getting the red right. But this year, I nailed it. Yes, I am colorblind. Why do you ask?

Gotta admit… it’s kind of hard to know who to root for in this one.

Easter Bunny here. It’s Easter weekend and you may think you’re in the clear. Nope. I’m still watching you thru your phones, laptops, blenders, etc. So, if you don’t want a basket full of black licorice jelly beans, keep it together. (If you DO want a basket full of black licorice jelly beans, WTF?)

Stowed away on Artemis II. Wanted to score some free astronaut ice cream. Don’t see any. No longer want any. I think they’re going to figure out I’m here when my barf floats up to the cockpit. My regrets are numerous.

Same.

Sometimes when my workday gets overwhelming, I decompress by taking out my pink highlighter and tossing off a rough sketch on a Post-It Note.

Back in the Lounge with @michaelmay.bsky.social, @paxholley.com, & me. And we came up with a new approach this time. We decided to RECORD our conversation and publish it to the World Wide Web as a “podcast”! You can use your phone to listen if you dial the right number or however it works. Enjoy? 🤷‍♂️

Who wore it better?

Pfft. I heard this game was hard. Then how did I beat it in, like, 20 minutes? I just have mad skillz, I guess.

Drop some beaches — Me Edition

Yep! And now I’m this guy.

If you see this, post a newly-discovered, super high resolution photo of yourself from three decades ago (back when you still had hair and a very real, not drawn-on at all handlebar mustache), playing wacky neighbor Victor Velasco in a college production of Barefoot in the Park. I’ll start.

Make sure you have them send videos to "give to our scientists in the R&D lab."

On the phone providing empathetic support to a customer who says our carpet shampoo is giving her cat violent seizures.

My memory’s not the best so if I already posted this, I apologize: HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY! Here’s hoping 2023 is the best year ever!!! 🥳🥳🥳

Did you ever have that dream where a series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurred in your mind while you slept? OMG! ME, TOO!!!! 😮

Actually, I can see the pants. It’s the rest of you that’s hidden. Nice try though.

Show someone who absolutely rocks a hat (who *was* Indiana Jones but then was Magnum instead)

Sorry. (Mine are all cookie-themed, I guess.)

I'm at work, where I’m allowed to contribute to corporate productivity and growth but I can't shake the feeling I'd rather be... I don’t know… anywhere else? Weird! 🤔

The Grim Reaper is probably freaking out right now. “He’s coming HERE?!? Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit…”

I did this segment at the request of @hojukoolander.bsky.social for the @wizardscomics.bsky.social podcast. It’s about @gregrucka.com’s Queen & Country. Should you read the series? Yes. Should you listen to this special episode? Yes. Should you become a Minder at MI6? Not on your Nelly, bruv.

At Rob’s Discount Spa and Salon, we don’t offer fancy hot stone massages. But we will throw a few trays of freshly microwaved Great Value® Beef Shepherd’s Pie on your back and ask you to remain still while we eat them.

I blink 14,400 to 21,600 times a day and I don’t think I get enough credit for that.

AW, YEAH. I just took the "What Type of Precipitation Are You?" quiz and I got Graupel! DAY. MADE.

Ever been on a road that you liked well enough but then took a detour and the new road was 🤩🤩🤩? It’s possible something like that happened to me when I finally watched Hobbs & Shaw. Join @michaelmay.bsky.social, @paxholley.com, and I as we talk about this action-packed, cameo-laden funfest!

When Irish eyes are smilin’ ‘Tis a lovely thing to see For instead of one mouth smilin’ You are blessed by one, two, three And while you two are kissin’ The right eye-mouth gently coughs And the left eye-mouth, it ooooopens… And it bites your eyebrows off! #HappyStPatricksDay ☘️

If you see this, post a vampire who is way better than Dracula.

At his age, I assume it’s mostly the soundtrack for K-19: The Widowmaker.

Show of hands: how many of you had this album back in the day? 🕺💃

Timeless.

I’ll never get old because I speak the language of today’s youth, foxy banana.

Did Bazooka Joe get gum in his eye? Did a bazooka backfire on him? What happened, Joe?

Overheard in the produce aisle: "This cantaloupe is literally the worst abomination in human history!" "Come on, Becky, stop being so melondramatic." #TrueStory #ExceptIMadeItUp #OrDidI #YesIDid

As long as we still have unrestricted access to the Strait of Hormel, am I right?

Yeah, I’m a bad dude, loitering at the mall and making the shoppers at Lane Bryant thirsty AF. Might get a Wetzel’s Pretzel later.

I’m sorry, I’m not familiar with the term. What’s a “close-talker”?

I’ve always had trouble drawing The Flash.

Chapter title suggestion: Second Breakfast: Graham and Back Again

Most days, I don’t eat anything between breakfast and lunch. But sometimes one of my co-workers toasts a bagel around 10:30 am and it smells so good I have to eat a granola bar or something. Shit. Should've saved that story for my tell-all memoir.

To all the Sherlock Holmes fans who have been complaining about our random or lesser-known Holmes adaptations, take heart. We’re finally covering a biggie! That’s right: by overwhelming popular demand, we tackle Hands of a Murderer (1990) starring Edward Woodward & John Hillerman. The game’s ahand!

Come on, gang! Let’s make this go viral and replace the Daniel Craig “Ladies and gentlemen, The Weekend” GIF! (Also, let’s all agree that I would have been a much better James Bond. And Benoit Blanc. And husband to Rachel Weisz. Thanks in advance, gang!)

After a very long day at the end of a verrry long week, I demand that you enjoy Saturday AND Sunday. No excuses.

My co-workers are really taking notice of the huge chemical cloud of Febreze® Meadows & Rain™ emanating from my unwashed clothes today!

I read this book once and— Actually, that’s it. That’s the whole story. I read a book once. Wait, there’s more. This was the book.