[restaurant] WIFE: you’re wearing crocs ME: so? WIFE: I hate crocs [next table] CROCODILE: I'm going over there HIS WIFE: just leave it Jeff

mid-00s emo bands be like: “this song is about when my father committed suicide and I lost everything and became a manic depressive and it’s called Burt’s Pink Minivan Got Broken Into On New Year’s Eve In 1996”

brb pitching ‘Pope Idol’ to ITV2

TOP TIP: Make Easter easier by replacing the 't' with an 'i'.

tbf to Katy Perry, if I dated Russell Brand I'd want to get as far away from him as possible too

I’ve just been to Sainsbury’s and the eggs, flour and milk aisles are totally empty. So sick of this mass pancake-buying.

VALENTINE'S DAY TIP: If your wife complains that you never buy her flowers, simply claim you didn't know she sold them.

Who's got a date for Valentine's Day then? Mine's February 14th.

Hats off to those braving the wind today.

I placed £1,000 on a horse but lost it all. It's really windy out there.

Happy 'Copy and Paste Your Response Every Time Someone Asks How Your Christmas Break Was' Day to all those who celebrate.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop attaching so much importance to whether strangers on the internet like my jokes or not. Please like and repost. Please

ME: for new year's, I'm giving up FRIEND: giving up what? ME: I don't understand

KIDS YESTERDAY: Only one more sleep until Christmas! PARENTS TODAY: Only one more Christmas until sleep!

Just been tracking Santa with the kids. Reckon I’ll get a clear shot when he emerges from this next house.

if anyone needs someone to come to their front door and scoff the cookie and neck the whiskey their kids have left out tomorrow night just let me know (willing to travel)

DOCTOR: your test results have come back negative ME: thank god DOCTOR: you took a personality test ME: oh no

ME: I can't turn the tap on! AMERICAN FRIEND WHO I INVENTED SOLELY FOR THE PURPOSE OF THIS JOKE: force it ME: we call it a tap

[playing poker] FRIEND: I’m all in ME: [yearning for this type of commitment since we first met] me too, man, I’m all in too FRIEND: um, a pair of kings ME: you bet we are

Cream-coloured ponies Crisp apple strudels Doorbells Sleigh bells Schnitzel with noodles Pint of milk Loaf of bread Dishwasher tablets

ME: our son asked me to do his homework for him today WIFE: you can’t do that... it just wouldn’t be right ME: exactly what I sai– WIFE: I’d better do it instead

[filling car up] １９.９５ １９.９６ １９.９７ [stops] [gently now] １９.９８ [very gently] １９.９９ [ok, once more] [deep breath] ３７.８３ GODDAMMIT

son: I'm a meth addict british dad: I think you'll find it's meths

‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’ is my favourite Christmas song about a woman held captive and being plied with alcohol against her will

rawdogged every single commute for the entirety of 2024 so my spotify wrapped will just be the angry voices arguing in my head no it won't be yes it will

I’ve got a lovely present for my wife in the cellar. I'll take it down to her on Christmas Day.

Shazam but for telling me whether my wife actually means it when she says ‘We won’t do Christmas presents this year’

ME: I’m pleased with that Xmas gift for my wife 😊 [one second later] INSTAGRAM ADVERT: oi moron, here's the same gift but way cheaper ME: oh no INSTAGRAM ADVERT: i'm gonna remind you every single day of your sorry life ME: pls don’t INSTAGRAM ADVERT: [mimicking] ooh pls don't, such a fuckin idiot

AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious? POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: …could… could you please try

PRIEST: are you a catholic? ME: I have four, but I wouldn't say I'm addicted

As a father of a 7-year-old daughter, why is it that girls’ clothing goes from 0-6 years: Cutesy💖 Princess👑 Rainbow🌈 Unicorn🦄 Sparkles✨ to 7+ years: Parisian street whore

ME: the irony is it'd be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn't wear masks MAN AT URINAL: I didn't say anything

GRANDMA: [hands me £50] Happy birthday dear. Don't spend it all at onc– ME: [already holding six baby guinea pigs] This is my family now

BOSS: hard at work I see ME: sorry, it's these tight jeans

[bank] ROBBER: everybody get down! ME: [starts dancing] ROBBER: no I mean put your hands in the air ME: …like I just don’t care? [later] CORONER: I’ve never seen so many bullet holes in one body

Ever since I started going to the gym, I've found it much easier to pick up women.

One for sorrow Two for joy Three for a girl Four for a boy Five for silver Six to speak to customer services Seven to hear those options again

[sliding $10 towards DJ] please can you turn it down

TYLER: the first rule of Fight Club is, you do not talk about Fight Club ME: yeah obviously haha [gets out phone]

ME: [in bank, holding stethoscope against safe door] As I suspected, this is dead

Even bathroom handwashes are telling me to find a therapist

[wedding] DJ: and now the first dance [song plays] ME: [powersliding onto dancefloor with tie wrapped around my head playing air guitar] I FUCKING LOVE THIS TRACK