[store] ME: [nose pressed against bottle of hand soap] I'm going to spend the next three months washing you down the sink EMPLOYEE: [whispering to co-worker] Yeah I'm not sure it's a sex thing I just think he's lonely

I will not buy an electric car until, under acceleration, it makes the Flintstones skedaddle noise

ME: Hello I would like to cancel my order if it's not too late EMPLOYEE OF YACHTING SUPPLIES RETAILER: Sorry that sail has shipped

As a detective, my most important clue-examining tool is the magnifying glass. Unless, of course, it's a sunny day and that clue is ants.

weight loss tip: drink from the false grail

BARBER: [holding up mirror to back of my head] Believe me now? ME: [seeing that there is a little guy holding on back there] Oh yeah you're right there is

a Banksy can be something like King Arthur standing next to a toilet with a hand sticking out of it holding an iPhone and for your next birthday your mother will give it to you on a t-shirt while looking very pleased with herself

i prefer the billionaires of my childhood who were mainly interested in using their money to go on various ill-fated balloon missions

ME: [locks sword with pirate] PIRATE: [grits teeth, nose almost touching mine] ME: [pushes away, kicks him in chest] PIRATE: [roars in anger, charges at me] ME: [neatly sidesteps blade] PIRATE: [does forward roll, comes up in crouch] Do the dishes ME: [one foot resting heroically on barrel] Never

BARBARIAN: [sitting on throne of skulls] This is so lumpy

The property has three good-sized bedrooms, a kitchen-diner with built-in appliances, and to the rear an eldritch barrow that emits intangible waves of gutteral dread. Out front is off-street parking for two vehicles, including EV charging facilities.

WAITER: Welcome to the buffet ME: You pronounced that wrong and where is all the food [I am knocked off my feet by a strong gust of wind] Ah I see

my fellow americans i address you from the oval office with a heavy heart in the wake of the atrocities we have witnessed in the last 24 hours but first a word from today's sponsor raid: shadow legends

*cranks penny through machine that flattens & embosses it with image of historic landmark* Ready to talk yet tough guy?

[hurtling through wormhole] ME: Yes my time machine worked perfec- [a clock smashes me in the face] ME: [holding broken nose] Wad deh fugg [a second clock hits, knocking me out] [my unconscious body continues to plunge through time and space, pummelled by clocks]

ME: I'd like to return this phone it keeps making a rattling noise SALESMAN: Sir that is a snake ME: [entire head now very swollen] Farf narf SALESMAN: Oh no is right

*strides into library, puts hands on hips and takes a big satisfied breath in through nostrils* i love borks

TEACHER: [tapping test paper] As you can see, your son got the worst possible grade ZORRO: Excelente

Sebastian Stan? No I'm more of a Flounder guy

ME: [karate chopping wildly at the night sky] LEANN RIMES: What did I just tell you

oh so it's a bad idea to keep all of my money in one bank account because it doesn't earn any interest? do you think a squirrel is thinking about interest when he buries an acorn in the dirt? no, he is thinking about going back to his drey and making love to his squirrel wife, who is smoking hot btw

pod me like one of your french beans

RAPPER: If you're a player make some noise SPANISH BEACH: Siiiiiii

KID: [eating bowl of Spaghetti-Os] Mmm delicious ME: [eating bowl of Picass-Os] Mmm noses

MECHANIC: Looks like you hit a pot hole and you're going to need a new wheel ME: [loud excitement] Of cheese? MECHANIC: No. And the impact also broke the suspension so you'll need a new spring ME: [quiet hope] Of cheese? MECHANIC: Again, no

DATE: There's a nice Italian restaurant we could go to ME: I'm vegetarian so I can't eat pasta DATE: Why do you think pasta isn't vegetarian? ME: [wisely] Spaghetti is bones

ME: [in bank, holding stethoscope against safe door] As I suspected, this is dead

ROMAN EMPEROR: [pauses dramatically, then gives thumbs down] ME: [tosses him tv remote] Fine you choose something then

"Wake up, sheeple!" I scream, banging a metal ladle on the side of a trough. The sheep-human hybrids in my secret lab begin to stir.

OYSTER: [asleep on sea bed, mouth half open to reveal gleaming pearl] ME: [asleep on public transport, mouth half open to reveal gleaming Tic Tac]

There is nothing authors love describing more than an expensive kitchen.

Occasionally when I try to go on Twitter and the page won't load it just serves me an error message that reads "Something went wrong" and that's basically what every post on that site boils down to so I feel like I am in the loop either way.

[sees small man] Short king [sees snake] Long king [sees George III] Mad king

VIKING: [dies, has body placed in longboat, set alight & pushed into middle of lake] ME: [dies, has body placed in gaming chair, set alight & pushed into middle of road]

[restaurant] DATE: Hey ME: [scrolling on phone] What? DATE: That's a little rude ME: Oh right sorry [I snap the phone in half and hand them a piece]