I think jumping over buildings (small) is probably easy.

The more I scroll and scroll the stronger I become.

FEATURING: Lisa Gilroy Shaun Diston @pftompkins.bsky.social Edi Patterson Dan Lippert @williebhines.bsky.social Isabella Escalante Anna Bezahler

I bet I could dunk.

I bet I could build a rocket ship.

I live in a reality where no one knows what years the comic strip Nancy came out. 1920? Now? We’re all messed up about it!

I’m about to get a mug of coffee

Good morning. All rabbits are spiders. Think about it. Wait, sorry, I mean DON’T think about it. And don’t challenge me. Let me just say batshit things. Let me live in this velvet world of my own soft delusions. All rabbits are spiders. Isn’t it pretty to think so?

New Fuck Marry Kill: Waymo, Yogurt or Danny DeVito.

everybody like this

SINCERE QUESTION: are there any LA equivalents of this: www.curbed.com/article/new-...

Once again, I am fifteen feet tall.

Everything I’ve ever done has worked.

I predict I will win the NCAA men’s basketball tournament.

The rumors that I will starring in a reboot of the Bourne franchise are untrue!

Tried and failed to befriend a goose.

I might go for a walk

Trump Creates New Cabinet Position To Take Milk Money From Nerds

Very truly sorry that so many things suck

I dunno. Maybe having a mean egomaniac bully in charge of everything wasn’t a great idea.

Could everyone stop saying that I will be representing the USA in Solo Basketball Dunking? That literally makes no sense!

GUYS it is NOT true that I turned down a nomination for Best Actor. Please stop saying that.

Just did 10000 push ups.

I bet I could dunk.

I vow to watch every single movie ever made this year.

Everything always works.

Die Hard came out 83 years ago.

It is funny how long video game credits are. I like to watch them because it feels honorable to do so but they are just so hilariously long. 20 minutes? 30? I could put a movie on another screen and be done.

“Science fiction? More like REAL LIFE.” - me, blowing minds

Caught up on podcasts! (Deleted everything)

I want a coffee that has a fist to punch my heart , punch it hard.

I will stand up for hot children of famous people.

All shows are either Best Friends Hugging Or Broken Jerks Hating

Why must I have “have goals” or “manifest success” or “go outside” or “get up” or

You don’t see a lot of people riding horses these days.

Hercule Poirot stars in The Mystery Of The Detective Who Wanted A Nap

Alex Cross in the new mystery Fuck This I’m Going to Arby’s.

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of He’s Tired And Doesn’t Want to Deal With Someone Else’s Bullshit

“You’re all obsessed with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. What about Maslow’s really wanting of a sandwich right now?” -Maslow

I’m so tired I am going to sleep right after I post this bullshit there done

I swear to god today I will do everything different

I mistrust AI, don’t like social media algorithms but I love self driving cars, so in terms of disliking tech I’m somewhere between Black Mirror and Alien Earth. This makes sense to me.

Venmo: need to search? Me: yeah here’s the first four letters of my friend whom I send money to all the time Venmo: nah, how about these four strangers you’ve never heard of? Me: no I want my friend. Venmo: I’ll show you him for one second but then back to the randos

Great news!!

Friends: be mad with me Me: I am Friends: not the right way though Me: no I think I am Friends: go fuck yourself Me: that’s what I was thinking

Instagram before: put pictures here Users: we love it Instagram: okay add your location, to everything Users: uhhhh maybe Instagram now: okay also put music and sound on every little thing so it’s annoying Users: what? No! Why? Instagram: you must

I bought a T Shirt from an Instagram ad and the algorithm has gone insane. 100% T shirt ads. I feel like I finally said to an Aunt “I guess I like music” and now she’s like “FINALLY. I KNOW WHAT TO GET YOU FOR CHRISTMAS.”

Once again for Halloween I will be dressed as Some Guy In A Wig.

In a tremendous act of self-love, I will not be playing the video game Baby Steps.

The Monkees: Let’s combine all of the financial manipulation of a band with all the ego problems of a bunch of actors. Wait, it worked???