“To say I’m an overrated troll, when you have never even seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair." -- Tina Fey addressing a critic, in her book, "Bossypants." #troll #trolls #quote #tinafey

Clever posts of yore: @rebrafsim CDC: please wear a bandana or scarf around your face when you go outside Every bank manager in America: wait what @meganamram THE WORST: I just spent $30 on apples at Whole Foods and then dropped both of them! #shopping #fruit #masks #maskup #oops

Posts of yore: @B1gBrainsMcGee In #hell, you're in a #restaurant, and it's everybody's #birthday @e_tolley Told the kids I had a big plan for tomorrow. Six-year-old responded “Oh god not a walk.” So now I need another plan. @ScottHoad Just drew a terrible self-portrait, which is very unlike me.

:) #heat RT: @RodLacroix Child: I'm scared. Me: What? Why? Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window. Me: It's okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat. Child: What does that mean? Me: Child: Me: Well, when- Wife [running in from other room]: IT'S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

Clever posts of yore: @bingowings14 As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps. @simoncholland If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in. #maps #egghunt #easteregghunt #parenting #lifehack

#audreyhepburn #star #history #beautiful #hero

Sigh... #covid19 #covid #pandemic #badyear

:) #work #jobs #weird #weirdjobs

Nice.

RT: @cottoncandaddy I just learned that if a hermit crab finds a new shell that is too big it will wait for other hermit crabs who need new shells to gather and then they will organize themselves by size and trade shells and I am pissed that the crabs have a better #housing market than we do

Clever posts of yore: @sfreeze6 Your body's saying "Come get it", but your lazy eye is saying "I like the color of paint on that wall next to you". @sannewman Always a bridesmaid, never a telepathic child who rules galaxies while levitating over a crystal throne. #bridesmaid #wedding #vision

Clever posts of yore: @sivers If you have more than three priorities, you don't have any. @sarahsurgey1 87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed @AmishPornStar1 I can't believe how old people my age are. #aging #gym #oops

Clever posts of yore: @MelvinofYork I told my mom that WTF stood for "With True Fondness" and now she signs off on all of her emails with "WTF- Barbara" @ben_rosen BIGGEST TWIST ENDINGS 3) fight club 2) the sixth sense 1) the song “row row row your boat” #twist #WTF #moms #mom

Clever posts of yore: @kaylaancrum Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere… @IMcMillan As John Hegley said of Jesus: If that’s a Good Friday, I wouldn’t want a bad one. #rocks #geology #goodfriday #holyweek

Clever posts of yore: @shariv67 And now please rise for our national anthem: A Bald Eagle Being Deep Fried In Crude Oil @reelquinn Do you enjoy the taste of old, dusty furniture? Then you’ll love walnuts @itsBABYSMITH i just don't have the energy to use a word like lackadaisical #eagle #america

Clever posts of yore: @labyrinthpretty I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it??? @Prof_Hinkley Me: it's annoying sitting so close to the office copier Dan from the next cubicle: it's annoying sitting so close to the office copier #office #funny

Yikes. :) #cheater #cheating #marriage

:) #vegan #birth

Clever posts of yore: @TheCatWhisprer If you leave a bottle of #Ritalin inside a Ford Fiesta it will become a Ford Focus. @Reverend_Scott "You CAN even." - white girl life #coach @henpeckedhal wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the #pandemic me: I said NEXT pandemic

:) Follow Nathan W Pyle if you don't already -- he's great. #baseball #comic bsky.app/profile/nath...

Clever post of yore: @brian_bilston THIS IS NOT A POEM This is not a poem. This is just me on my phone, waiting for someone in a pub, pretending I've got something to do. #phone #iphone #poetry #poem

Clever post of yore: @ruzkin DO NOT APOLOGISE WHEN YOUR PETS JUMP INTO THE FRAME ON ZOOM CALLS. Was just in a conference with the CEOs of a major US org and Muffin jumped on my lap and the whole conversation stopped, IS THAT A CAT, SHOW ME THE CAT! Everyone needs cats in these trying times. #cats

Clever posts of yore: @TheWeirdWorld Of all the bodily functions that could be contagious, thank goodness it’s the yawn. @will_dareal who tf decided to call it “emotional baggage“ and not “griefcase” ??? @usedwigs Is Lent over yet? I really miss showering. #lent #easter #biology #grief #yawn

:) #art #electric (source unknown to me)

:) #godzilla #disaster #blessing #home

Clever posts of yore: @megelison If something in the Midwest has a French name, it will be pronounced in the unfrenchiest way you can imagine. @BrainDentist Early for a funeral and there's nowhere else around, so I'm sitting in Burger King in a black suit like a deleted scene from Pulp Fiction.

Clever posts of yore: @Kauaibride not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes. @elle91 There is so much to remember when trying to make a sincere apology. Make eye contact. Be honest. Don't use air quotes. #sorry #apology #diet

:) #stupid #lucky

Posts of yore: @shariv67 Outside it's just an ordinary squirrel. But when it gets stuck inside a Trader Joe's, all of a sudden, it's a celebrity. @AndyAsAdjective [texting] at the store. need me to get anything? -a life what, like the cereal? -no. get a life. I'm leaving u ok so no on the cereal?

Clever post of yore: @WoodyLuvsCoffee CLERK: Welcome to Motel 6. Your room is around back with a view of Denny’s and a Shakey’s Pizza. If you hear yelling, it’s Todd the night watchman chasing raccoons out of his golf cart. If you hear screaming, they got Todd. Please call 911. #hotel #raccoon

Clever posts of yore: @shelbyfero Best case scenario someone broke in and searched for a snack. Worst case scenario I LEFT MY REFRIGERATOR OPEN FOR OVER A WEEK @IGotsSmarts Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that refuses to load the dishwasher. #yikes #oops #jerk #chicken

Clever posts of yore: @amydillon I'm trying to distress this chair I just painted, so I told it its mother is coming to live with us. @AbbyHasIssues "Well-behaved women seldom make history," I whisper as I don't wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat. #family #women #history

Clever posts of yore: @JoshMalina Scientists are now saying they may never discover what LinkedIn is for @John Klein I've been on Facebook for 17 yrs. I remember when this was all farmland @Shimmersteak "I'd like you to meet my half sister." "Different fathers?" "Shark attack." #sharks #science

there's still a little bit of time to get your say in! comments close at midnight PDT tonight!!

Doris found her discount Viking cruise was not the bargain she had hoped for… (source unknown to me) #viking #cruise #cruises #vikingcruise

"DO NOT DRINK THE TUDOR MILK I REPEAT DO NOT DRINK THE TUDOR MILK" (source unknown to me)

Clever posts of yore: @abbycohenwl Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet? Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven't done it. Bring more @PlopWaffle It's a hat from her previous marriage, which makes it my stetson.

RT: @donni I've never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons @fesshole I like to go #hiking, and spend quite a lot of weekends driving round Britain to hike in places I haven't been to before. I always take a potato with me, and leave it in a conspicuous place on my route to confuse other hikers

Clever post of yore: @JeremyCShipp You are fantastic. You are a tea party in a haunted wildwood. You are an eyeshadow palette inspired by Hieronymus Bosch. You are a chorus of Furbies on a mountaintop, singing at the moon. You are revolution on a cold winter's night. #fantastic #tea #bosch #moon

Clever posts of yore: @tweetcomedian Bring me three fingers of your finest chicken. @Kauaibride i finished the marathon in just under 4 miles. @OwensDamien I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this: ‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’ #aging #marathon #celebrity

:) #ancient #history #complaint #funny

:) #Bible #marriage #story (source unknown to me)

Clever posts of yore: @simoncholland I have a wife and two daughters and it would really be easier if I learned sigh language. @ofarry RIP Jimmy Breslin. His description of Rudy Giuliani – "a short man in search of a balcony" – is one of the all-time great put-downs. #wife #marriage #insult

Clever posts of yore: @RickAaron My retirement planner just suggested that I "live fast, die young". @sixthformpoet It's so sad that the last plant you'd offer a cuddle, the cactus, looks most like it's waiting for one. #cuddle #hug #retirement #retire #oops

Clever posts of yore: @treydayway Just fry the vaccine and Americans will want it @LilyYily my love language is cooking elaborate meals screaming at everyone to get out of the kitchen then loudly announcing the food was NOT MY BEST and waiting for compliments #lovelanguage #cooking #vaccine

:) #science