Canceling Disney+ because they canceled Kimmel is well and good, but if you really want to make them pay attention, there is no better way than fucking Goofy's wife

Truth Coming Out of Her Well to Tell You She Consents to This Image

well it happened to me too. my boss overheard me saying "i'm so horned up, my shit gonna burst like charlie kirk's neck". fired on the spot. so now i gotta try to find another dick sucking factory that's hiring fml

just learned that today the online communities of Adult Baby Diaper Lovers will be lowering their diapers to half mast in honor of charlie kirk. what a beautiful show of support

Celery Victor

i ate eight brownies, and now i'm sick?? this is someone else's fault

air bud reboot where air bud is a grizzled old basketball coach with an all-dog team a few games away from the championship, but the evil new CEO of the NBA finally codifies a rule that dogs can't play basketball and he has to learn how to coach his new all-human team

been feeling good on a new antidepressant and then went and read about it. there were 7 medical trials and only 2 of them showed that it did any better than the placebo. living with that knowledge won't change how i feel right? but hey, it does give me diarrhea, new knowledge can't take that away

they’re of pee, thereof pissed.

Fabulous Answers to a Bunny’s Query grassyvalley.thecomi...

snoop dogg says he's 'scared to go to the movies now' because 'the minons keep showing up in them' "It's not just despicable me... i sit down to watch the mario movie, or a nice movie about ducks, and there they are in the first 30 seconds, gibbering and bouncing all over each other...

making a vision board

i thinkt they call him "gavin newsom" because he's the "new sumbitch" that thinks he's gonna be president and we ain't "gavin" any of "that"!

what do we gotta do to get Black Phillip to show up on the homestead of those pronatalist freaks and start whispering into the children’s ears

Woke up because my AI controlled toilet started going in reverse. It's unflushing my turds and bringing them back, and the bowl is filling up. The app is broken, so I can't re-flush, my Püpi3 doesn't have the physical handle. It's overflowing now and there's nothing I can do. This feels dystopian.

yeah I’m kinda the rizzler of my friend group

holy SHIT, this drop didn't have to go that hard!!

holy SHIT, this drop didn't have to go that hard!!

wow!!

i'm a firm believer that when you're advertising your own trade, you gotta put your best work forward. open with the type of work you really want to do, that best represents you and your personality

beeble beeble beeble beeble

yawn. so bored of these stories. call me when there’s macroplastic in my body. call me when there’s a green army man in my balls. call me when I got a tech deck in my brains

adversity breeds innovation trump kicked elon out of the white house he was so sad about it he made a new AI anime girlfriend and mean little animal friend. and coming soon: the moody pervert.

the pain of having a black cat: how many times a day do I try to get a cute pic of pete and then realize that he’s just an indistinguishable void

in the video for "Your Body Is a Wonderland", John Mayer serenades his lover next to an Adobe Illustrator 10 guidebook

my identity has been stolen, my privacy invaded. it’s disgusting! someone was wearing the exact pair of shoes and pants as me and they were apparently letting all hell loose in the employee toilet. they left a mess so big it couldn’t be flushed. they were crying and sounded just like me, WTH!!!

comic time: why are there so many songs about rainbows?

comic time: why are there so many songs about rainbows?

[guy whos just completely out of the loop on everything] GOOD! now that she's is gone maybe they'll finally fix all the racism

just got a cease and desist from disney. lawyers were knocking on my door before I even finished typing “Muppetry of the Penis”

he's callin for backup, there's some delicious green horse shit back there and we need more big boys in full tactical gear to come lick it up

thinking about inventing a new color: Purple 2

it's down there? Truly?

orc city isn’t just the setting, it’s like one of the main characters too

“You watch a lot of stuff without me” – My husband, who released an album without telling me he was a musician

Mayor McChi McBride

me and the boys all heading down to the wishing fountain with our piggy banks. terry has pennies because he says the more wishes he makes the more likely he’ll get one to come true. i think dollar amount matters so I’m using $1 coins. jaydog is just gonna huck a hundo in there, he’s crazy

failed my piss test :( (couldn’t get it in the cup, made a huge mess in the bathroom)

I've heard of tipping your doordash driver but this is ridiculous !!!!!!!!!

people on average are "community minded" about 10-20 times a day. i for one am thinking about lifting up the heaving, substantial community right now

thoughts and prayers to the cuomos, and "the boyfriend" and the spaghetti and meat balls!

it's called the "two party system" because these fine folks get two parties they can go to this weekend and eat lobster and laugh at us

the cuomo campaign keeps dming me with pictures of him in the hospital asking for money saying "please, andrew is about to get surgery to remove the sex pest part of his brain so he can be the perfect mayor" "send us $50 right now, the surgeon is waiting"

times are tough for the car food reviewers but i think this idea has legs youtube.com/shorts/klYyw...

one of these elevators is regular, and the other is abuse free, where real men show strenghth through patience and honor. I know which one I’m choosing, how about you? 🕊️

a candidate so bad that it takes two full pages of 'cuomo sexual deviant' search results before weezer gets a single mention