Guys our muscular norm- and science-bending POTUS has tied Tylenol to autism, you heard it from us first. Later on you will hear from 98-pound weakling scientists worried about research protocols (BOO HOO). At no point will you hear about the two dozen slurred lunatic things he said. We're the Post!

Looks like Chris Berman got the Lou Dobbs autumnal ginger hair coloring and now it's like "Who's that dashing young halftime highlights announcer? What have they done with that tired old shambles Chris Berman?"

Everybody please form a line in an orrderly fashion to dunk on this guy, this is not the Hogbone County Fair, this is BlueSky, after all.

In this case the love story is between a tuxedo cat and a tasseled outfit being worn by a lady about 30 yards away.

No drinks and drugs but my parents did listen to a lot of Herb Alpert and the Pozo-Seco Singers so I came out looking like this.

UPDATE: Sinclair is NOT going to broadcast Jimmy Kimmel, even though ABC is resuming production. Sinclair has demanded that Kimmel personally donate to Turning Point USA, a right-wing political organization. David Smith, executive chairman of Sinclair, donated 250K to Turning Point USA last year.

GUYS AN ABBREVIATION FOR AN ADJECTIVE HAS JUST BEEN DECLARED A TERRORIST ORGANIZATION BY THE EXECUTIVE ORDER OF A FLAILING IDIOT. ADJUST YOUR BORING, SAMEY, EMOJI-FILLED BLUESKY BIOS ACCORDINGLY.

Disney paid $16 million to Trump to settle a bogus lawsuit involving George Stephanopoulos. Disney fired Terry Moran for calling Stephen Miller a “world-class hater.” Disney suspended Jimmy Kimmel. That Disney has walked back one of those after immense public pressure doesn't change who they are.

Rubio: Again I have failed. Perhaps I am a soft, servile dimwit.

Don't worry, your kids might complain a little bit about their first Clorox bath and blood replacement session, but soon they'll be bugging you to take them to the next installment.

GUYS WE NEED TO FACT CHECK THE PRESIDENT LIKE NEVER BEFORE INSTEAD OF JUST ASSERTING THAT HIS BRAIN IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKED

OK, sir, bedtime in 30 minutes, time for your sedative-laced Coke Slushee.

There's a reason they hold Presidential decompensating Presidential free association sessions after the stock market closes.

Well so longer as there are no other personnel changes in the next 3+ years we should be fine, having reached the end of the bench, the bottom of the barrel, and the gas tank needle moving past E. Either that or EVERYBODY GONNA WORK EIGHT JOB.

Next up: SMERSH, The Legion of Doom and the World Crime League come into focus.

Every time he pipes up about matters theological lapped up by other amoral Mammon worshipers, I think of Jamie Lee Curtis/Wanda telling Kevin Kline/Otto that the central tenet of Buddhism is NOT "every man for himself."

Recently appointed Special Emissary to the Dominican Republic Donald Trump Jr. demands the evidence be handed over, all of the goddamned evidence.

A Library of Congress collection of (1) famous corporate-sponsored webisode series (2) terrible Disney/Nickelodeon kids' show interstitial graphics and animation (3) highlights from sitcoms with the unironic use of the word "Man" in its title (4) all No Retreats, No Surrenders (there are four)

Please tell me more about the relative engagement rates of Twitter and Bluesky and how that matters one iota when deciding to leave the social media equivalent of a Aryan Nation forum. Use tedious graphs if necessary.

Even though it's a different paper, I'm reminded of that NYT reporter's furtive decision never to use the terms bribery or corruption with Trump UNTIL IT HAD BEEN ADJUDICATED. Obviously the White House was scared enough of this possibility that they just shut down the investigation entirely.

I think I've discovered my favorite name of all time (an Afrikaans singer/actor), and he kind of looks like that rogue from Dark Matter.

The refs in the first half ended up out-gaining both the Giants and the Chiefs (127 yards to 125 to 115)

Join me tomorrow for National Mute the Name "Charlie" From Your Mentions Day. Sorry if this will impact your ability to track whether Charlie Brown had hos.

Sometimes you feel powerless and sometimes you can seize control by muting any accounts bringing you Kirk memorial blow-by-blows.

NYT: Please slow down Mr. Shirley our tape recorder is busted and we want to take down all of your ludicrous lies for uncontradicted publication.

Getting the feeling I need to look slightly past the Texans (get within FG range, dumb screen play, terrible run up the middle, false start, incompletion, missed FG) and remember that we've got Kevin Durant on the Rockets at least until he strains a hamstring and is out until March.

If you want to hear a game between two good teams well-announced then tune in now for Eagles/Rams with Gregg Olson, if you want to hear a game between two shitty-to-mediocre teams shittily announced stay tuned for the Bears/Cowboys with Tom Brady.

I look forward to hearing Rupert's rap skills on the Tiks and the Toks, I heard he invented rap by converting sea shanties while he was on the prison ship to Botany Bay in the early 19th century.

Find your own improbable team-up on The Midnight Special channel to improve your faith in human perfectibility.

I don't think there's any human intelligence behind The Post's editorials at all, they're bland, confusing, and generic enough to be AI (in line with the general hollowing-out that's occurred there). Not that Marc Thiessen or Megan McArdle represents human intelligence in the alternative.

I can see this being played at the memorial with a church choir humming Wind Beneath My Wings in the background as there's nary a dry eye in the house.

Apropos of nothing. Maybe it was the first British accent I ever heard but I have a clear memory of this series of commercials.

I think the most unrealistic sitcom conventions are: 1. people just opening doors and entering rooms and blurting shit out 2. whole family/cast gathered in one place 3. children initiating conversations with parents after the age of 10

DEAR PAM: THERE ARE TOO MANY OF MY ENEMIES AROUND AND ABOUT NOWADAYS. PLEASE ELIMINATE THREE. I AM NOT A CRACKPOT.

Wow it's like describing a real-time racketeering/extortion scheme. Thanks again, Chief Justice Roberts!

Hey, it's almost Saturday Night, time for another GOP self-cannibalizing DOJ massacre.

C&C.R.E.A.M. Cash & Cats Rule Everything Around Me

Well who as an authoritarian would you want, somebody competent, ethical and energetic or a sleepy sleazebag who is indebted to you for their actual physical freedom.

We may be close to purging the college football fraternity of -o's, first Jimbo Fischer and now the soon-to-be-shitcanned Dabo Swinney (LET'S GO ORANGE!) Fortunately his buyout after getting paid $11.5 million to suck is only $57 million.

In the biggest college football news of the today, the Southwestern Pirates are looking to go 3-0 today in Georgetown (TX) against the Texas Lutheran Bulldogs, a week after squeaking out a high-scoring affair against the University of Puget Sound Axe-Wielding Bears

Privately Patel and Bongos and Miller and Vance are berating the suspect's father for getting his son to turn himself in before they could go full Haitian on him and his connections. Well glad the country got plunged into self-flagellating auto-fascism for THAT.

"The Next Non-Reactionary Person of Color We Interview Will Be Our First" is an awkward motto for a newspaper to have.

My great-uncle, just turned 89 and kicking, must be the West Coast's biggest magnet for found cats because this little cotton ball here is like the eighth in the last few years he and his family have either found, rehabbed or fostered.

Yes, that IS the straight propaganda press release, very well done! Now for the real test: does the Post have any investigative reporters left amongst its hollowed-out personnel? I mean nothing urgent it's just repeated mass murder with no legal or moral justification at all.

Now who put it in their head that you could dress up like you're conducting a Fallujah raid in a sandstorm with minimal generic identification and get into some place you shouldn't be.

How come when I see FIXED THAT FOR YOU it's in an annoying pedantic comment or jocular fact-check, and never in reference to my car.

#4 was a called strike three with a runner in scoring position if you want to know how the Astros' night is going.

Dave Kingman's 1979 year with the Cubs was remarkable, not only did he lead the majors in homers (48, which probably translates to 60 today) but he hit an unheard of (for him) .290 and his OPS was higher than Cal Raleigh's this year. And for all that he got 11th in the MVP voting.

Guy Online: You should check out this awesome band Me: (hears a mixture of minor league Weezer, a band I don't give a shit about to begin with, with the sluggishness of Stone Temple Pilots, another dogshit band) They're great

Stop saying cringe, Cartman