I was assigned Christmas Tree at birth but some days I feel more like one of those games where you have to catch a ball in a cup

I'm doing an online version of my show on Sunday 7th December at 7pm - tickets go on sale tomorrow morning to my mailing list so if you're not on there already, sign up now! bit.ly/MattGreenMailingList Thanks!

And so once again it's time for my annual Tiktok detox - can't risk being Whammed so no mindless scrolling dumb videos for me until I hear it in a shop (it's unlikely I'll beat last year's 2pm on December 24th though!)

Thank you Cambridge! A lovely show at @cambridgejunction.bsky.social - thank you very much to everyone there! Just 5 shows left now - next one is Southampton on Saturday…

Had a nice evening out in Cambridge watching @mattgreencomedy.com - go see him if you live near one of the places he's visiting on the rest of his tour, and you like lefty woke clever comedians (which clearly you do or you wouldn't be following me lol)

My water bottle leaked (I failed to secure the lid of my water bottle adequately) and so all my stuff got wet and it meant I couldn't get any work done on this train because I was dealing with wet stuff, and to add insult to injury I forgot to bring my knitting with me so I can't knit to de-stress

Please enjoy this photograph of all the sock yarn I've bought since I said I had too much sock yarn and should knit some of it up before buying any more

Went to the dentist this morning. I, along with every other person in the world, don't floss often enough. But at least now I don't have to think about how terrible a person that makes me, at least for the next six months.

Randhawa said: “I’m on top of the world right now. I feel great. Like I could run a marathon, or defeat God in single combat – hang on a minute! I forgot to add those things to my to-do list. I’ll put them both under ‘Priority’.”

Done quite a lot of experimental knitting stuff lately - I can now load pictures from my laptop to my Brother Electronic machine, which opens up many possibilities for exciting picture knitting. Today though I just fancied something routine so I finished off a pair of stripey socks.

Ok so we're in a pub for lunch. Important context: the pub is called "The Swan". Someone at the next table ordered the Swan Burger... They were asked "chicken or beef?" and I'm so disappointed they didn't say "no, swan!"

Hope everyone is having a lovely Saturday except for the person who designed the little Gaviscon container where the lid is exactly the right size for a Gaviscon tablet to get stuck in it so you can't get it out without breaking the tablet up

Spent a good chunk of this evening trying to fix a broken knitting machine gadget, with the help of my beloved. It's not fixed, but I have some ideas to try, and we both had fun. We're both a lot more mellow when working on projects than we used to be. We both still get frustrated but more calmly.

I find it really hard to tell the difference between existential dread and being a bit dehydrated, so I have a new routine of when I wake up in a cold sweat feeling a sense of doom, I drink some water. When the demons come, I'll be the first to die, distracted by my water bottle. I'm ok with that.

It doesn't matter how fervently I believe before a game that a point is a good result away from home, when the point is because we conceded in the 98th minute after having to play with 10 men because of an unjust second yellow, I'm going to feel let down :( #sportsball

I just came up with a really great drag name that I'm never going to use so it's up for grabs for whoever wants it: Jaffacakes McFlurry. In other news, who can guess where I am for lunch today?

OK but why do we just blithely accept that l and I look the same? Why aren't we insisting on fonts that make them Iook clearly different to each other?

I don't know who needs to hear this today but in super hot humid weather it's ok if you don't feel like eating normal meals at normal times. But it's still important to eat, and to stay hydrated! Which is why I'm making stir fry at half past nine in the evening...

How's everyone doing today? Are we all hydrated? I've just got myself a pint of peach squash with half a dozen ice cubes in, to replenish the several gallons of moisture I've sweated out in the last hour or so.

Really really super tired today. Might just be a reaction to giving blood on Friday I guess? But apparently it's too early to go to bed so I guess I'll have to force myself to stay awake a bit longer

We love to see it

It's Ely Pride today. Went along for a bit (but as always, being in a busy environment is unsustainable for longer than a couple of hours). It's nice to spend time in a space where being queer is the norm

When I hear alarms they often remind me of songs. Today I'm giving blood, and periodically there's a jingle of three notes that sounds like it's from the theme to Mission: Impossible. My mission is to have sufficiently good iron levels that they let me give blood and I get a biscuit.

I am finally reading "Normally Weird and Weirdly Normal", by virtue of the fact that the audiobook became available at the library, and so I can read it with my ears while I'm knitting.

That feeling when you're a mathematician but you're trying to crochet and it's impossible because counting is hard

Person on this packed standing room only train eating a scotch egg. Please share any examples of behaviour that is more antisocial than this, because right now I can't think of any...

Hey it's 8 years today since I had my gallbladder out!

Been in Scotland for a week. Heading back south today. What did I miss?

Had a really bad night of brain not switching off so I'm a bit of a wreck today. Managed to do a couple of things, going to rest for a bit now, and try not to feel guilty about needing rest.

This sign came up in my "on this day" photos today

Bought a blind today, and because it requires drilling and stuff, and I'll probably take ages to actually fit it, I also bought a "temporary blind" made of paper that sticks in the recess, to solve the problem until I actually get round to doing the DIY.

Today was weird. I had to answer the door not once but twice.

It surprises me when people describe me as kind, because to me, kind isn't about who you are, it's about what you do. I'm actually capable of extreme UNkindness inside my head, but I try to make active choices not to be deliberately unkind to fellow humans (even if I think they deserve it)

I've decided to start trying to actively notice when my mental health is good. Today I have mostly not been anxious, I've got some stuff done and felt good about myself 😊 Should probably download a mood tracker or something but in the meantime you all have to read about it here instead

Went out birding this afternoon at our local wetland nature reserve. Saw a couple of Whooper swans, egrets, shelducks, an avocet, shovellers, a coot, and an alarming number of bees

A lot of the 'autism isn't a disability' crowd do so because of (internalised) ableism. It took me a long time to recognise that I'm disabled, because, well, I've seen how society treats disabled people. Now I try to do what I can to make society less ableist, to help everyone, not just me.

Humidity is killing me today. The air is so oppressive.

Tell me a good thing. I would like to hear about good things. Here's mine: after going dangerously close to disappearing out of existence last year, Scunthorpe United Football Club won promotion to the National League on Sunday. (I guess if you're a Chester fan it's not so good since we beat them)

So glad to hear @robinince.bsky.social speaking in Ely this evening - I skipped therapy this week and this turned out to be a useful substitute. Looking forward to reading the rest of "Normally Weird and Weirdly Normal" over the next few weeks, and to learn more about myself in the process!

On fibre arts and memories: if I buy yarn or fabric in a place, my visit to that place will be evoked when I use the yarn or fabric, and when I use the object I create with it.

Here's a thing that's happened slowly and so I didn't notice it: nearly five years on from resigning from my 9-5 to become self employed, I've reached the point where I don't feel guilty about deciding to do something other than work between 'normal' working hours!

I had stuff I wanted to get done today but didn't. I'm trying to be mindful and note that there was stuff I did do that maybe I didn't expect, and so it's probably ok. There are good days and bad days, and that's life.

I dreamed I met @scalzi.com and he had a mini thermal printer to print stickers for labelling leftovers.

The Labour shills being all, "trans people and others should still vote Labour or we'll get Reform", are missing something important. Labour are already on course to try and take literally EVERYTHING from us. What does it matter to us when we have nothing left to lose? Sounds like a them problem.

Ah yes, the two genders...

April has been hard work. I hope May brings better things for me and the people I care about. And, because actually I'm not the nice person that people seem to think I am, I hope it brings a world of pain to the people who are making things bad for the people I care about.

Robin made more gorgeous pins. I can't buy one because I'm not a Dr but if you are, you should! (Particularly if you're the sort of Dr where people assume you're not because they have daft assumptions about what people with doctorates look like)

I keep getting adverts telling me that unless I vote Labour, the Tories or Reform will seize power. Labour, if you want me to vote for you, stop enacting policies that harm the most vulnerable in our society. Stop chasing right wing votes. Stop pretending to be the good guys, and actually do good

One can only assume all the other books in this second hand bookshop are boring.

In honour of St George (who it turns out doesn't get celebrated on the 23rd if it's the week after Easter) I finally knitted a sock with the "Dragon Fruit" King Cole Footsie yarn I bought ages ago