why does excel still have the option to merge cells? We all know that's something you only do if you hate everyone who has to use the document with the rage of a thousand suns

It just dawned on me that the people who said “a secret cabal of pedophiles run the country, and if Donald Trump is elected the truth will come out” were sorta right

it's gonna be cold, it's gonna be gray, and it's gonna last you for the rest of your life

People who don’t clear their car roof before driving are ice agents

Call me a whacky conspiracy theorist, but I believe what everyone can blatantly see on the multiple videos from several angles over the official government account

We should make sure to record the names of anyone who goes on tv, podcasts, or social media in the next few days claiming this one wasn’t murder. For totally legal purposes.

Paint me like one of your French poodles

I got one of those "This is Chuck Schumer, what can I do to convince you..." texts. I responded "Stop" to get off the list, which is funny because that's also my answer to the question

why do so many people complain about the word "moist", but never about "girth"?

Tom Homan is the answer to the question “what would it look like if Shrek joined the KKK?”

The only “they just need more training” argument I will accept is a mandatory course on swallowing marbles. And remember, the heimlich is for quitters

The recording is public and everyone has seen it. No one genuinely believes that Renee Good was trying to use her vehicle as a weapon, and no one genuinely believes that the shooting was self defense. Anyone pretending to thinks that ICE should be allowed to kill at random with impunity

After we get the Mountain Goats cover of “Trouble”, I want Tallahassee, Taylor’s version

So maybe we just shouldn’t have an entire law enforcement agency that does literally nothing but kidnap and murder people at random

Now that we have reached our year-long detente in the war on Christmas, it is time to focus our attention on the war on Arbor Day

Hey Bluesky, how did we manage to create so many strawmen who are opposing the kidnapping of a foreign leader wrong?

Good riddance to this absolute dogshit year

I haven’t showered since last year! Wait, shit, I did it too early

“I was promised birds”

I’m not exactly sure what it means, but I am definitely 100% behind Transgender for Everyone

The maga divide summarized: does the gutter racism that is the mortar of our coalition apply to Jews or not? And if it doesn’t do we mean that or are we just pretending for the moment?

Has someone already set up a cabbage to measure Bari Weiss’s time at CBS?

WHAT FUCKING PLANET AM I LIVING ON?

One of these statements was written by someone who genuinely cares about the safety of the Jewish people, and the other was written by the prime minister of Israel

We all know that there’s only one good Christmas song, and it’s DMX’s cover of Rudolph

No one who talks shit on Newark airport has ever been to JFK

Say what you want about the Eagles, YOUR team has probably never blocked replacement players from entering the stadium with a 1986 Bronco with the words "SCAB BUSTER" painted across the front. #GoBirds

I’m kinda in the middle of processing some family trauma here, Doulingo. I will practice my Spanish later, get off my dick.

Hahaha, yeah. Probably.

Yeah I have FOMO. Fear Of Meeting Others.

If you want to make a period piece set between 1800 and 1920, you have a part for Nick Offerman or you go to prison

It sucks that if I make it through this week my only reward is more weeks

I’m pretty sure the most reliable indicator that the Eagles are going to lose is if they’re ahead going into the second half

It’s weird that not all wine goes well with grapes

I shouldn’t be, but I am still astonished at how quickly the Right went from “save the children” to “how young is too young, really?”

No. Nooo.

Elon Musk becoming the world’s first trillionaire is the start of a novel with all the usual cyberpunk trappings (extreme wealth gaps, gritty overcrowded cities, aggressive targeted advertising, late capitalism death spiral, etc), except none of the cool sci-fi tech actually works

Who plays Sean Dunn in the movie version? My vote is Tim Robinson

To honor Dick Cheney, Mamdani should shoot a guy and then make him apologize for it

I'm attending Bend the Arc: Jewish Action's event, “New Jerseyans for Free Speech — NO on A3558” - sign up now to join me! www.mobilize.us/bendthearc/e...

Dick Cheney was a FATHER. He was a HUSBAND. What kind of monster would cackle ablut how he's being flayed alive by demons in a replica of an Abu Ghraib torture cell for all eternity while the angels sing and rejoice above just because he "violated the geneva convention" and "killed a million people"

I swear to fuck, if you went to the scavenger hunt or whatever but don’t actually show up to vote, I am coming up there and will drown you in the Hudson

*ahem* IT IS NOT EVEN HALLOWEEN YET, FUCK ALL THE WAY OFF WITH CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS Thank you for your attention to this matter

I am immediately suspicious of anyone who claims to believe a person who says “I had no idea the nazi tattoo I’ve had on my body for twenty years was bad.” Like, no, you don’t. And the fact that you are pretending to means you want to stuff me in an oven.

This skeet reached directly into my soul

I love that if we make it through this, there’s going to have to be a section in future history textbooks about the role of inflatable frog costumes in the regime’s collapse

One of my absolute non-negotiable in the next presidential primary will be a promise to post of video of themselves shitting on a cybertruck

I suspect the MAGA government decided to launch all these Bluesky accounts tonight to try to bait people in advance of No Kings. These people have incurable 4chan brain and this is how they operate. Block them. Do not engage. Do not give them what they want.

We can’t have Prince Andrew anymore, because of woke