Me in the alternate dimension where I'm Australian: aur naur I'm traunsgaurndaur

Paleolithic late-night comedian monologuing on the recent invention of verbal communication: have you heard about this

In an alternate timeline where J.K. Rowling isn't a transphobe, she would have come up with a trans witch called Dickhaver Deadname or something

I am anti-astronaut. Get down from there

You can't eat silica packets because they're endangered

(Me): Oh, it got chilly all of a sudden. Better close the window. Now, back to trying to write funnier jokes. (The ghost of Sam Kinison after his 8th unsuccessful attempt at possessing me to just do a metric ton of blow and scream at strangers): WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS FAGGOT

Michigan State Police now have this thing called the Angel Program for people addicted to hard drugs. How it works is: you go into any State Police station, say you're an addict, and they shoot you in the head. Then an angel comes down and plants a gun on your body

The Illiad is the original twink death discourse

Getting my blood checked for gay

When I was in driver's ed I asked what you're supposed to do about birds on the road and they said that if a bird doesn't avoid cars it would have died some other way. Insane lesson to take away from learning to drive. What did you learn today? "Some animals deserve to die."

"Hey, I'm kinda mad at you." - Powerless - Vague - Offers no solutions "Madam, I challenge you to a duel." - Confident - Solution-oriented - May result in sabers at dawn (hot)

How I look at my wife (she is imaginary but she is very tall and has a huge sword)

Photo by Devon Coleman

Desperately need a tall brunette girl to hold my hand and tell me I'm being so brave while I respond to emails

Like of course I want to see your collection of poisoned daggers queen, can I see what it looks like when you hold one to my throat? haha jk unless

Sirens are such an unnecessary myth, I could be lured to my death by any woman under any pretense

Your therapist should have access to your music app and if you listen to Radiohead for more than ten minutes an alarm goes off like you're having a heart attack

My greatest strengths, you ask? -Beautiful and terrible as the Morning and the Night -Fair as the Sea and the Sun and the Snow upon the Mountain -Dreadful as the Storm and the Lightning -Stronger than the foundations of the Earth

I Have No Smash, and I Must Mouth

Desperately need there to be a situation where a guy betrays me so that I can call him a "cad" and a "viper." Needs to be a man for it to work; when women etc betray me it's just hot.

new gender

is this anything

If my demands are not met by sunrise I am going to coat myself in jojoba oil and just be ooooh so slippery and you won't be able to catch me

Being trans feels like living in a Dark Souls game where one minute I feel brave and strong enough to slay all of god's favorite dragons and the next minute I am a pants-peeing coward getting her ass kicked by a skeleton

Really funny to imagine a mob guy trying to get my attention from across the street and just yelling out like "Ay, yo, Pronouns!"

Putting this on my piece of shit car next to the USMC sticker from a previous owner and driving around my conservative hometown to confuse people

Friend: "Wow you have such nice penmanship!" Me (laughing insanely, signing my name over and over on the bar tab while my eyes do the Uzumaki thing): "Lol thanks"

Directing a play and changing my name to "Mommy" in the cast/crew group chat as a psyop

Today I saw a dude do a kickflip and it was so sick the melon cup I was eating turned into mozzarella sticks

I swear to god this is a real book on theory I was looking up to pull a Judith Butler quote but if you were just glancing at the search bar it looks like I am the most problematic, insane Disney adult alive

All failures are moral failures. You declared bankruptcy? The light in this world is diminished by your weakness. Can't do a cool kickflip? You are detestable in the eyes of God

Braving the mist-veiled moors, clutching the runestone, howling to the gods as I try to cast the spell that will delete everything on my childhood deviantArt

Deliberately choosing wrong words to make Duolingo characters gay, just a glimpse into my dark reality

Repost if you support trans women and think we're neato

This song is so fuckin good. Not to be confident about my own work or anything but I'm a fuckin genius

All girls really want is to wear some sort of cloak that can be clasped with a broach or perhaps an amulet

Look, there's no disputing that Cooking Mama is an immensely satisfying gaming experience on a sensory-motor level, I'm just saying it would also be cool to chain fireball spells and kill god

Wanderingwhispers.bandcamp.com/ My beats are hard and my synths are wet, who want me?

put a DNR in front of him and tell him it'll ban trans people from going to space or something

Hey awkward teen boys who started playing 3.5 D&D in like 2004, how are you and how is HRT going for like 3/5 of your party members?

(Bursting into tears) "But doctor, I *AM* suckmachinefaggot420"

Reality is disintegrating

Did I stay up writing way later than I should have? Yes. Were there way more important things I could have been doing? Also yes. Will anyone besides me ever read it? Certainly not. But goddamn it, my short story about a dragon kissing a wizard got DONE

This signed 8x10 of Lycia Naff in Total Recall protects the entrance to my home like a bust of the twin faces of Janus and ensures good fortune when I travel beyond the threshold

Ypsilanti, MI everybody

Not sure exactly what misstep I made where all of my followers are bots and camgirls but as far as my usual errors go this has been one of the less devastating

I am not stupid because I'm a woman, I am stupid because 👏 I 👏 am 👏 Italian. Know the difference