If you are sitting and idling in a handicapped spot with neither tag nor sticker on your car then you are an unrepentant asshole and you deserve terrible things.

My whole family was awake unusually early this morning and the real problem with this is that they turned on all the lights. Why would they do that. Early morning hours are for sitting in the dark with coffee, silently contemplating the horrors of existence.

"Girl dinner" was at least hilarious.

It's snowing. Again. 🫠

Teaching denotation vs connotation by just saying, "it's Monday."

It's a balmy 60 degrees today, we've had a brutal winter, the world is in the toilet, and every single one of my neighbors is outside and laughing. I guess the world can't end today even if all bets are off for tomorrow.

Having a problem being a human today but I got dressed and I'm sitting on my porch in the sunshine with a big floppy hat watching my kid ride her bike so I guess there's that.

There's already enough struggle in life naturally. I don't know why we have to make it so much harder for ourselves.

Heaven is a corned beef, coleslaw, and Russian dressing sandwich so full and drippy you take your wedding rings off before you eat it so you don't have to clean them later. 😂😌

Yes, we should get rid of men.

"BOSS, THE FASCISM" lives in my brain rent-free all day every day now.

Because potatoes.

Henceforth, I will be describing the way that U.S. men’s hockey spectacularly squandered good will, brand recognition, and fan loyalty as “pulled a Target.” They pulled a Target.

This is the third year that I have the privilege of teaching Hurston's "Their Eyes Were Watching God" and I just cannot overstate how much I love that book. It's gorgeous, it's timeless, it's relevant, relatable, thought-provoking, romantic, introspective. It's everything. Read it if you haven't!!

We had a snowstorm yesterday and it looks like it took out one of the trees in our neighbor's yard. A bunch of limbs have split and it doesn't look salvageable. And, like - intellectually, I know that trees die all the time but emotionally, I don't understand why they can't live forever. 😭

The response to Covid and the response to the Sandy Hook shooting in particular (dead six year olds!) completely destroyed any admiration I ever had for American 'freedom' as an ideal. Now, it just means freedom from empathy, responsibility, accountability. I hate it.

Glorious

Husband, reading his fortune cookie: "'A stroke of luck will bring you love.' Huh. Didn't know my dick was named Luck."

Girl, I feel you! My boobs look like that after kids, too.

Leveled up in parenting again: the 3rd grader has brought home a recorder.

y'all want to see a dead body -

My favorite response to the question, "How are you today?" is just to name whatever day of the week it is and the other person can draw whatever conclusions they wish from that.

It used to be that when I got hungry I got super cranky and then overate. My new medication has changed things in that if I'm really hurting for food, I get *cold* and that's how I know I haven't had enough calories. As soon as I eat, all better. Bodies are weird.

And I don't even Reddit 😌

more and more I think praying mantises have the right idea and we should just bite the male's head off after sex

how we got here

I am at the airport and the man next to me at the bar has two iPhones in front of him. And theoretically I understand the need for some people but at the same time I am exhausted at the idea of keeping track of two devices. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Nope, too much.

The only thing you need to know about cybertrucks is that they made the side mirrors super triangular to match the stupid aesthetic and therefore made it HARDER TO SEE what's around you, which is a BASIC SAFETY FUNCTION of a car. Just a super unserious, stupid, dangerous vehicle.

tag yourself, i'm currently, "I am very tired, very stomachy & hate nearly the whole world."

dunno if y'all know this but sometimes being a teacher is the most emotionally difficult job in existence

what do high school students have against paragraphs omg

Sometimes I remember Reagan removing Jimmy Carter’s solar panels and I think we’ve been enduring this shit for way too many years.

TMI on main but they don't tell you that you hit forty and you can't understand why your legs are sore and it's because you had sex two days ago in a *slightly* new position and now everything hurts 😂🫠

This Diet Coke might not fix all my problems but it's gonna give it the ol' college try.

kelp kelp kelp kelp it even sounds cool

Boomers and many Gen Xers see the 'American Dream' as a reality and Millennials onward see it as an ideal that has yet to be achieved. Both proceed accordingly and wow, does it get messy trying to talk about it. 🙃

What is it about second children that makes them so chaotic. Why have we not studied this in a lab.

Saturday mornings are for waking up, drinking three cups of coffee, and then immediately taking a nap.

go off jack white is right

Reminded again that astronauts are people beyond extraordinary, like, of course you are an elite athlete, unnervingly calm under pressure, and also have a PhD in astrophysics. While Black under Jim Crow. Or a woman. Or Asian American. Or dirt poor. Just ridiculous people (complimentary).

A tragedy, a travesty, and a terrible loss for all of us.

We gotta come up with a better system than “everything rests on whether these twelve billionnaires are nice”

May your coffee be strong.

tell me why i've been taking prednisone tablets on and off for over thirty five years and they *still* can't make them not taste like shit

I'm Jewish. My birthday is on Christmas. If I had a nickel for every time I dealt with people's incredibly weird reactions to these two concurrent statements I would be richer than Elon. There has been surprise, bafflement, confusion, slight disgust, horror, and just general weirdness. I'm tired.

"You look happier" Thanks, I just ate.

Bedside table book situation might be getting out of hand.

"Mommy, are cooties real?" "No." "How do you know?" "I'm a mom." "And you're a teacher. So like, you know everything." "Yep." "When you're old and a grandma, then you'll be a grandma, a mom, and a teacher. You'll be invincible." 😌

If you're not reading Russian winter fairy tale novels what are you even doing with your snow days.

youtu.be/wc1KifjfpXY youtu.be/wc1KifjfpXY?... "I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, two is called a law firm, and three or more is called a Congress! And by God, I have had this Congress."