Watched the last (yeah, right) Mission Impossible film and I realised waaay before Tom Cruise did that he should (spoiler) go out the torpedo tube, so they definitely should remake the whole series with me as the main person (Ethan? I dunno, haven’t really been paying attention) I’ll do it for £800.

It’s all gone woke on Twitter.

If you Google “Chicxulub crater”, you get a little animated meteor and the screen wobbles on impact. I found this quite amusing, but I should point out that I have no life and am very easily anused. AMUSED. I meant amused.

I done a fing on LinkedIn www.linkedin.com/pulse/hitchh...

Thought I’d give Christmas shopping a go. You know, at all actual shops and that. But they were all teeming with cunts so everyone’s just getting whatever I can find in my kitchen drawers. Ooh, some half-melted cake candles, the 2023 bin collection calendar and a radiator key? You shouldn’t have.

I went for one of those “walks” some healthy type people are always banging on about. Sun shining, birds tweeting, trees treeing, some sort of medium-sized duck. Fucking bullshit.

I just scored 8 out of 40 on a psychopath test. This is definitely scientifically sound because I hardly ever want kill people. You can take the test here 0eb.com/index_psycho... if you like. Not taking it means you are definitely a psychopath, by the way.

When I inevitably seize control of the United Nations, I will militarily enforce mandatory forensic hard drive scans of anyone who puts up their Christmas decorations in November.

This is 100% true. I’m in Manhattan today for work and they made me convert to Islam before I was allowed to purchase my BEC and coffee this morning. Inshallah I’m able to get a slice of pizza tonight because the ration lines are so long.

I got given a bottle of Yellow Tail Shiraz by some colleagues who obviously don’t like me. It’s absolutely disgusting. Sweet and cloying like some sort of Poundland cough syrup. I’m going to drink it all, of course, but I thought I’d better pop in and make it clear I consider myself better than you.

If you’re in the market for a podcast to help you fall asleep, i highly recommend The Old Front Line. It’s presented by a historian called Paul Reed in a brilliantly calm, steady manner, so even though the subject matter is hardly relaxing, it just sends you off. It’s fascinating stuff, too.

Imagine how much nicer New York would be if it contained a million fewer racists.

So, according to my neighbours, answering the door to trick and/or treaters while wearing a clown mask, holding a large cleaver, and with “Die Motherfucker Die” by popular beat combo Dope playing loudly in the background, is neither “funny” nor “endearing”. I mean, come on.

Have you seen Alien Earth yet? You should, it’s really very good. And Timothy Olyphant with the white hair and the kindly-go-fuck-yourself attitude is giving me all the moists. All of them.

Red Squirrels + Motorway Service Station + Leisure Centre - All your money = Center Parcs

Twitter is an absolute MAGA clusterwank, following Dumblefuck’s latest pitch for a Nobel peace prize. I mean, sure, it’s always an absolute MAGA clusterwank, but even more so right now. A veritable lubed-up fascist circle jerk. There are going to be some Nazis with very sore wrists tomorrow.

People who collect Funko Pop figurines: who hurt you?

I thought it would be nice to watch all the Mission Impossible films again before I see the latest. The second one is, well… if it wasn’t for the writing, acting, direction, cinematography and music, it might be just about watchable. Utter piss. I’m amazed they were ever allowed to make any more.

Would the owner of a blue Renault Twingo, registration number BIG T1T5, please report to reception.

Tomato - everyone - aubergine - thinks - potato - we’re - turnip - cunts.

From a job description I've been sent. Think I'll pass, thanks.

I’m lying in bed listening to Lukaszewski’s “Rosary Prayer” sung by the State Choir of Latvia. Next I will listen to Tallis’s “Salvator mundi”. It’s in Dolby Atmos surround sound on stereo Apple HomePods. It’s quite nice. I am telling you all this because I am, of course, a colossal fucking wanker.

I’ve given myself tummy ache from eating cheese which means I have eaten the correct amount of cheese.

Anyone know of a holiday company that can arrange for me to spend 3 or so months in a campervan in a non-frozen bit of Canada where nobody else is? Ideally with wheat fields from horizon to horizon, though this might be negotiable.

Reckon they should offer the Pope gig to Justin Welby. He believes in all that God rubbish, likes living in a big house full of stuff, and has a proven track record of ignoring institutional child sexual abuse. Ticks all the boxes.

The biography section of Jiminy Glick’s Wikipedia page is a fascinating read.

My son - who says he did music lessons at school but can’t read music and isn’t entirely sure of the names and positions of keys on a piano - has asked me to teach him how to play Bohemian Rhapsody. And I’ve said okay. Send vodka and tranquilizers.

In case you haven’t noticed, there’s only a ruddy bloody new episode of Dear Joan & Jericha on the podcasts.

I’m going out for an actual sit-down Chinese meal with a twirly table and everything, like some sort of 1970s peadophile.

Oh come on.

I’ve got two Apple HomePods set up as a stereo pair, because I am a colossal ponce. But let me tell you, Verdi’s Requiem in Dolby Atmos at full blast gives me the fucking horn. In more ways than one.

Did you know it’s illegal to have a pet raccoon in the UK? Actually fucking illegal. I mean what the fuck? Why are we even paying tax.

If you like films which involve lots of Nazis being killed in quite inventive and unpleasant ways - and let’s face it, who doesn’t*? - then you will probably enjoy “Sisu” on Netflix. * Granted, other Nazis might find it troubling, but who gives a flying fuck about them?

I don't do myself any favours. A woman at work who I sort of kind of fancy a bit said "wow, you're looking great, your diet must be working" and without even thinking I just replied "nah, AIDS", and walked off.

A good thing about forgetting to watch television for several months: when you remember to watch television after several months, you find you were only 8 minutes into episode 1 of Only Murders… when you forgot to watch television for several months, and you can watch it all before you forget again.

Me in the National Security team group chat

“List of personnel cleared for top secret Signal group. You and me Darling, obviously; The Editor in Chief of the Atlantic; The Editor in Chief of the Atlantic’s wife…”

I do enjoy it when you get an actual proper mental on Nextdoor nextdoor.co.uk/p/9WMsRDfSRq...

Pretend you have an electric car by wearing noise-cancelling headphones whenever you drive anywhere, accelerating much faster than your skill level should allow, and boring the absolute tits off everyone you talk to about how far you can go on one charge.

Kimchi is nice, isn’t it? You’d think people would go on about it more.

subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz343bs

Step 1: open Google Maps on your phone Step 2: search "Kremlin Headquarters" Step 3: await inevitable tangerine tantrum

Ah fuck, does this mean the Archbishop of Cunterbury is coming back to the UK?

The Wurzels

Earth's haunted.

Question for grown adult human persons who use emojis in work-related messages to people you don't know: who hurt you?

When Terry's stopped making Pyramints.

My “if I ever win lottery money, these are the people I will take out contracts on” list grows ever longer by the day.

England done a rugby.

Nigel Nonce-hiding Coverup McBastard