I’m literally so organized and prepared this year that I have down time…idk what to do with myself.

Sitting down to pee is such a nice little treat.

Oh cool, I was reallyyyyy hoping I’d wake up with a giant zit this morning.

I thank god every day that my cooking is bomb as fuck.

How many panic attacks do you think I’m gonna have between now and sitting down to dinner tomorrow?

Literally how?

Just bought a second folding table / chairs. Thanksgiving is getting serious.

how it feels to be the guest star in a threesome with a married couple

Okay I should probably leave the house and breathe fresh air today.

Spent the weekend baking bread and getting bred!

Being blonde is great but i have never felt uglier as rn when my roots are grown out.

I’m so glad we get to have good things again.

Seeing Cuomo receive 2 crushing defeats within the span of just a few months is something straight out of my dream journal.

I am so happy and proud of all the people running the marathon, but if yall could speed it up a little so we can clear out all the screaming people in front of my apartment that would be great.

Yall mind if I goon the fuck out for a minute?

I wanna see Ziwe interview Martha Stewart.

I tried in my Princess Di running outfit for Halloween and I just look like a depressed 30 year old.

I hope this email kills us both

That episode of RHOSLC was quite possibly one of the best episodes of housewives EVER.

Finally cried in therapy!

Found out I can get Apollo bagels delivered and everything in the universe has shifted.

Wanna wrestle?

Dealing with hypersexuality as a depression symptom is difficult when you also happen to be pulling incredibly hot men all of the sudden.

How is it possible to have this much heartburn from a single class of rosé?!

Gays turn 30 and they all become bottoms and start an antidepressant.

Nothing like fucking a personal trainer to motivate you go to the gym on a Tuesday.

It’s not that uncut gays in the US make being uncut part of our personality; it’s that we’re legally required to remind the other gays that we’re uncut at least once every 14 days.

Sent this to a boy who gave me his sweatshirt.

How many session should you have with your therapist before you tell them you’re a whore? Like 5?

If there is one thing I’m gonna do it’s warm my tootsies by the space heater.

Truly at my most powerful when making lasagne for a crowd.

Well the airport is just as miserable as you’d expect when you ask people to work without pay.

I’m in my say yes era.

There is no difference between being in your ‘say yes’ era and being on a bender.

Unfortunately my neighborhood is full of bottoms and I more often then not have to serve as the community top.

Really in the mood for someone to try and get me pregnant this evening.

I miss the Brooklyn Pecking house every single day.

At an age where not only do I have a pill organizer I also develop a cough from my acid reflect if I don’t don’t sleep propped up and on my life side.

Is there anyway to hit a hot coworker up on Grindr and not have it be awkward?

Just got back from the dermatologist and happy to report I do not have skin cancer on my penis from all the trip to the nude beach this year!

A reminder that I’m blonde now and therefore even sluttier than I was before!

If I hear one more helicopter today I’m gonna have a breakdown.

Freeballing at the food garden market just to feel something.

Today feels like an in bed by 9 kinda Friday.

This is a (mental health) crisis!

Lisa looks HORRIBLE. Yikessss

I got a new tattoo today 🥹

Just remembered I’m going to Chappell tomorrow and have nothing to wear.

LOL had my first therapy appointment today and they canceled it at 2pm without even a phone call.

Love getting dressed up in hotels.