Do you check emergency response calls around your house when you leave your pets alone during your workday or do you not live with anxiety?

Add to the list of things that are terribly wrong with me: Ate a charcuterie plate while watching a gory ER documentary.

I'm on the non alcoholic beer bandwagon and I enjoy it very much. Near beer is such a cute name.

Why haven't I reactivated my ads? Because I need new pics. Why don't I have new pics? Because I don't have an active ad. Why don't I reactivate my ads? 🔄

I kept hearing frustrated yells outside and I realized it's because the Blue Jays vs Mariners game started. 😂😂😂

Pineapple for my good clients. Coffee and asparagus for the hagglers.

I sent an important document from Seattle to Texas via USPS. I tracked it today and someone please tell me why it was routed to PITTSBURGH for processing. 🤦🏻‍♂️

I cleaned out my fridge and now I have to run the dishwasher and buy some gotdamn groceries because that mf'er is BARE now. 😭

Present Me: Ugh why do I get these headaches?? 😖 Past Me: Well, time for porn and poppers! 🥴

Two months from now, someone will think, "what's the worst that can happen??" as they scan their ID to access dirty talk AI. The answer will be receiving a blackmail email at their work address with a transcript demanding tens of thousands of dollars or it'll be shared with the whole organization.

Sorry not sorry about being a little quiet lately. Fall term is underway and I'm taking a business course, a technical procedures course, and a management course. I'm still available to be your temporary boyfriend by request. [email protected]

I've been wearing my favorite fragrance, Kilauea by Olympic Orchids, after restocking my supply of smell-goods. It's a gorgeous plumeria and mossy smell that's not overpowering. I love wearing it as a masculine guy because I have free will and I wear what makes me happy.

Nancy By Ernie Bushmiller October 12,1948

I enjoy seeing the takes on how hard Portland is going with the inflatable suits but they haven't even gotten to the Puppets and Marionettes level of torture performance art yet.

Currently ugly crying at the John Candy documentary and considering rebranding to Johnny Torano as a joke to those in the know.

GOOD NIGHT, HERMAN

I spent my day on a fictional business plan for a fictional business for a real class that I really need to do well in. 😭

Every day is a new opportunity for a governmental nightmare. Somehow my right to just be without fear of reprisal by some offended stranger has returned to the scrutiny of the 80s/early 90s.

Where is @datahooker.bsky.social???

“Dying alone” implies the existence of the darker alternative of dying together (murder-suicide, maybe?)

I hope you find someone who looks at you the way I look at a Jaeger-LeCoultre Reverso Duoface watch. 😍🥺

Omg ew blech 🤢 are you using my Liberator pillow for SEX?? I use that as a back rest in bed when I type papers!! Give it back NOW.

Instructor for my most technically dense course: I give out my assignments by describing them via video. 🥰 Me: 😧😧😧😧😧

Went to get a massage but instead of a MedBed, all they had was a fucking massage table. In my America??? No, but really. It was nice.

"Oh, Danny, I would love to tie you up - why won't you let me?" Because you won't be down for my security team that would be fully armed and sign a waiver that you consent to being shot for crossing lines.

Bringing these shirts back for the fall, shipping in early November 🫡 squidfacts.bigcartel.com/product/bina...

Today I had the option to go to a bathhouse for fun or get pizza - both were priced similarly. ...y'all, I chose pizza. 😑😂

Every time the moldy orange ends a social media post by thanking me for my "attention to the matter," I roll my eyes. I don't work for you - YOU WORK FOR MEEEEE.

That state superintendent in OK with the very bad ideas is resigning, so I'm expecting to hear about a scandal any day now.

I just restocked my three favorite fragrances from Olympic Orchids: Kilauea, Tucson, and Woodcut. I'm in love with all three of these. 🥰 www.orchidscents.com

When you break out the Pure Wand to massage out the knot behind your shoulder blade 👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽

Don't mind me, I'm just crying over the return of J Pod to Puget Sound. 😭 That particular pod of the Southern Resident orcas left the Sound after their young were captured in the 70s to be used in aquariums and water parks.

He loves wearing capes. 😂

Seattle: October 7-9

Now seeking clients who love former athletes turned dad-bod. 😂 The v cut is there but the lower abs are not. 🤷🏻‍♂️

I'm learning to like my body again after years of being sick and skinny. I'm not quite at a point where I can take body pics and feel confident but soon. Soon. 🤞🏽

Upon reviewing my analytics, I'm pleased to announce I'm very big in mainland China. Which helps me very little since I've never been. 😂

"Wyd?" Oh, nothing much, just getting emotional over Joey by Concrete Blonde. Again.

Last night I found a suitable replacement for my stolen bike. I still miss it. 😭

My heart may be a socialist but my pussy is a capitalist

Me this morning, reading the news.

Oo-wee, these stitches itch!

Currently falling down a Marcus the Worm hole. I'll be back never.

So, ANYWAY. I'm gonna make a big tray of oven roasted wings for dinner and sauté some lacinato kale with a little chicken broth and apple cider vinegar.

is this classic tweet over here yet

Just a tiny gal, resting her beans.

My bank mailed a large cashier's check to my credit card company and the postal service lost it around 8/27. I started searching for it yesterday with the goal of canceling it today and wouldn't you know it, USPS delivered it this morning. 🤔

It's my birthday on the East Coast. 🎉

Is it... 💁🏻‍♂️🦋 Naptime??

Oh no, not me falling down a pea coat rabbit hole like I'm @dieworkwear.bsky.social coded. I don't have the money for this! 😭