90% of hateful comments start with “your” when they mean “you’re”

On Monday, Congress will be discussing the illegal US airstrikes against Iran. They'd meet sooner but I guess they have plans this weekend.

Whenever a billionaire talks about affordability, an angel loses their living wage

The secret to affordability is simple: be born into wealth, become president, use taxpayer money and the federal government to enrich yourself, become a billionaire

Get in losers we’ve opened a portal into a better timeline

If I ever get pulled over, I’m just gonna be like but officer the Dow is over 50,000

“If any man’s name was redacted that should not have been, we will of course un-redact it.” - Pam Bondi about an honest mistake they made 100,000 times

Epstein’s friend, the president, complaining about Bad Bunny singing in Spanish instead of Kid Rock lip-syncing in English proves which halftime show he was watching

Someone threatened to send ice to my comedy show and I was like they’re gonna have to buy two drinks

He released 100% of the poopstain files in his pants

“I DoN’T KnOw WhAt tO BeLiEvE aNyMoRe” Start with evidence

Calling the Epstein files a fraud when they’re uploaded to .gov websites during your own dictatorship is a level of cognitive dissonance that should be studied

Maybe the Epstain files will be released after the next Mandela effect

Ice ads: “do you want to defend your culture?” The culture: going into generational debt to buy a pickup

Kristi Noem said that ICE is focusing on individuals who are sexual predators and involved in child exploitation, presumably to hire them

Let’s celebrate the new year by doing unspeakable damage to our livers then making a resolution to floss everyday

I’m envious of all the New Yorkers who get to vote for Mamdani, but I’m in California so at least I get to vote YES on 50

So like is there a plan for when he doesn’t leave office

haunted house but it’s an apartment because no one can afford a house in LA

Kings suck, how is it fair to have a piece that can move forwards and backwards and sleep with your wife on your wedding night

Why do airlines charge extra for the exit row seats? If we’re willing and able to assist in the event of an emergency, maybe they should be paying us

Court is weird, they ask you to say “nothing but the truth” but then insist you call the judges “your honor”

Potential AI prompts used by the GOP for their smear campaign against prop 50: “make it sound woke” “like it’s coming from a lib” “now make everyone in it a minority”

Apparently there’s an asterisk after liberty and justice for all*

We’re living in the dinosaurs post-apocalypse, the dolphins pre-apocalypse, and the humans current apocalypse

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Distract the Israeli naval blockade and feed him for at least a couple days

Republicans think their base is dumb enough not to realize that they’re cutting Medicaid to give themselves and their rich friends tax cuts, and they’re right

Just a matter of time before trump wants to change the national language from English to American

I am genuinely thrilled to learn that a Puerto Rican can legally run for president of the United States

Nobody asked for this Portlandia/Homeland crossover episode

It’s a tragic mistake to send troops to Portland. If the Oregon Trail has taught me anything, half will perish from dysentery

My male guardian says I can’t do Riyadh Comedy Festival, I’m still in time out for driving in 2017

The universe is in a constant state of flux, that’s why I propose all pants should have elastic waistbands

Netanyahu does genocide and travels the world with impunity while I’m explaining to TSA that the moisture they detect is from packing wet wipes

Disney hikes prices days after losing money over Kimmel outrage because nothing says we learned our lesson like a consistent profit margin

Maybe the rapture happened and nobody made the cut

Nothing gets you in trouble faster than non-violent anti-war protest

Not slander if it’s true

Can anyone recommend a good immigration lawyer for natural born citizens, not sure when my birth certificate expires

Power to the people yall ✊🏽 LA shows this weekend: TONIGHT 07/18 9:45pm at Comedy Store belly room and 07/20 9pm at Hollywood Improv main room Pic 1 by Van Corona

Remember it’s healthy to stop doomscrolling. Put your phone down and enjoy the doom all around you

Stop doomscrolling and start doomliving

Do you remember when Ted Bundy decided that politics was too dirty for him and became a serial killer

Hope I can get back into the country after going to Taco Bell

LA Friday (tomorrow) 9:45pm at comedy store! www.showclix.com/event/recogn...

We had @fizaadosani.bsky.social on episode 1824 ‘CyberF**ked, Trump SAVES Canada?’ - listen now! podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/t... @jackob1.bsky.social @milesofgray.bsky.social

If sticking a q-tip in your ear is your ear is wrong, I don’t want to be right

Hoping I make enough to keep my health insurance and the opportunity to have my claims denied

Let’s include women’s products amongst donations of essentials to those suffering in LA because biological cycles don’t just stop during a crisis