Sleeping next to Turtle feels so healing.

My niece asked if she can list me as an emergency contact for field trips and sleepovers and I was like “my child, I would literally grow wings and fly to you if you needed me.”

Turtle has a way of sinking all of her weight onto one paw that she mashes into my boob.

My mom is making tea because my parents are spending the night before I take them to the airport in the morning and my dad is like “Look at your mother, she takes my breath away” and she’s wearing an oversized crown royal shirt.

I don’t know why I got so hopeful that I would get an email about an interview or a job right now.

Showing this to my roommate on 420 because it’s our future

POV you have a chili dog and I want it.

“Living with you is not not like living with Beetlejuice” - my roomie.

My couch is judging me

I used to cyber sext over AOL instant messenger because I AIM to please.

I’m taking a date to see Jackass 2 and it feels like I’m introducing him to my parents.

I finished my work I can have my cake

Everything is making me cry because I have a lot on my plate and my fucking period won’t even go away but I’m crying even harder because I really want a piece of cake but I can have it until my work is completed.

I tried to type “Evil Dead” and instead typed “Deviled Egg”

Every few weeks a woman in my neighborhood, sometimes but not always me, but always a woman. That will just sit on the porch and listen to My Way and stare out into the street.

Showing my roommate this and watching her like I’m introducing her to a family member

I was so sick with food poisoning so my mom came over and made me a homemade tortilla with butter 🥹

I have a playlist for when you’re Down Bad for someone.

My anxiety may be powerful but I’m armed with klonopin and a warm tub.

Oh so everyone was excited to harass a lesbian for no reason?

Just got super high and ate a burrito after sending out 20 job applications. May something come through! Please!

I changed into a nightie after a brunch date and the full face of makeup plus nightgown is giving Butterfield 8.

It’s finally cold enough to wear my racing jacket.

Instead of going to Coachella I will be at home snuggling my cat watching the Coachella episode of Insecure which is a perfect episode of television.

Happy 77th to the man that loves me more than any human is capable of. I love you dad!

A famous racist comedian used to call me “Alabama Shakes” as an insult and like first of all, Brittany Howard and I are entirely different races and second of all ooooooh noooo, I VAGUELY look like a beautiful and cool extremely talented woman.

My sister in law got me a cook book I’ve been dying for.

Classic.

I’ve been instructed to be the decoy to distract my father from his surprise party and I’ve been specifically told “Do not start a fight with a man at Home Depot again”.

My parents got glamour shots for their dogs at the salon.

Turtle’s armpit obsession has now led to her waking me up in the middle of the night to chew on my armpits.

Very excited for the children to discover Tales from the Crypt when it comes to streaming.

I’m on my period and having a miserable time so my roommate put on Malignant because that’s the secret to cheering me up.

My favorite cheese store is closing and I can’t afford to stockpile their delicious cheeses 😭

Every time I get a job rejection letter I give myself 5 minutes to Be Sad On The Floor.

When getting mugged was a *little* funny.

My mom thinks I have a crush on a boy because I’m mean to him on the phone and I had to explain that’s just how I talk.

I’m so stressed I dreamed all my teeth fell out twice in one night.

Someone is pouting because I wouldn’t let her have an expired churu.

Just suddenly remembered that like 14 years ago my stupid ex got a boner at the hall of presidents and we couldn’t get up for like five minutes.

I don’t believe in god but I believe in all of you so please wish, pray, speak it into existence that I get a job this month because things are so so dire. I’m not even sure I’ll be able to keep the lights on.

My dad said because I’m broke he will refuse all gifts for his birthday next week but I think I’ll make him a bouquet of all the flowers in my yard I’ve grown because he loves getting flowers.

🤗

She’s basically a weighted heat pad.

My roommate is trying to sell my on Cloud Atlas and just said “Keith David plays an Asian man”.

I just got really high and asked my roommate how much money she thinks I could make out of someone paying me to punch them in the face.

Thank you to everyone who has said something nice about my dad and his dogs. Please enjoy him feeding them. I wish I caught him singing the breakfast song he sings to them this morning before I left.

MARK MY WORDS, if I get a good job this year I’m taking my mama to Vietnam for her birthday.

Hi friends. I hate doing this but Turtle needs cat litter because I just accidentally spilled it all cleaning her box ( 😭) and only had enough to refill it again so now I’m out. If anyone can, I added it to a wishlist. www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/...

While I’ve been unemployed I’ve been gardening and it’s a little messy but I think I got my front yard into a really cute place.