Look who’s playing dress-up.

My needs are simple. I only ask to be worshipped.

Signing my name to large documents. Nothing feels better.

News of my death is a hoax perpetuated by lady historians!!

With great sexiness comes great responsibility #kingthoughts #hotness #kilf

On this day is 1538 I had a good long think about women and why they don’t do more to make the world a better place for men #women #problems

The magical combination of relentless pettiness and colossal ego is the kind of leadership peasants can always get excited about.

Sometimes I lie in bed at night eating cakes wondering why more people don’t lie in bed eating cakes #nightthoughts #kinglife

It’s important to acknowledge and honour your needs: - for flattery - for applause - praise for your intellect and insights that surpass all others the way the sun outshines the stars - to be celebrated for your dance moves - for a variety of cheeses

Asked my children to suggest new names for bodies of water around our kingdom. - We will be renaming “Irish Sea” the “English Channel Part 2” suggested by Little Edward - The “Fragility of Toxic Masculinity Sea” suggested by daughters Mary & Elizabeth for “North Sea” has been struck off the list

Leadership hack. If you say you have all the answers, peasants will actually believe you do. Better yet, say that God is on your side — they’ll believe that too!!

How To Be a Leader Who Leads Like Leader: - Demand loyalty - Give none - Take credit for all that is good - Blame a woman or foreigner for all that is bad - Always project an air of seething self-importance - Big Codpiece Energy!

Say what you will about Henry VIII as a person, but as a composer, “Pastime with Good Company” is a banger.

3 Steps to Becoming the Most Interesting Person You Know - Shout whilst in public and in private “I AM THE MOST INTERESTING PERSON I KNOW” - Have this carved over your front gate - Require your servants, children & wives to shout when you enter a room “YOU ARE THE MOST INTERESTING PERSON WE KNOW”

Wow. Now we’re normalising size-ism and non-flight-ism?

5 Foods to Avoid If You Want to be Happy: - leafy horrible salady bits - any stem or root masquerading as edible - if it doesn’t have bacon in it - not soaked in alcohol - isn’t cake

Why is it when people wish me Godspeed I don’t immediately acquire the ability to travel from one place to another instantly? What an empty and insulting thing to say!

Buying this for a friend

The weather may be grim outside, but inside the Great Hall today are beautiful things youtube.com/shorts/PD3fV...

Enjoying another day in the relentless pursuit of pleasure. It feels good to spend time wisely.

Sometimes I wonder “am I only composed of positive qualities?” and the answer is yes

5 Things I Look Forward To In The New Year: - being feared - striking commanding poses - shouting “WORSHIP ME IDIOTS” - Oxford commas - cheese

5 DAILY STEPS FOR HAPPINESS: 1. many cakes 2. threatening dance moves 3. actual threats 4. repeat mantra every hour in full voice "GOD PUT ME HERE TO RULE YOU BLOODY IDIOTS WITH AN IRON FIST" 5. on-demand cheese

“YOU’LL EAT IT AND YOU’LL LIKE IT”

If it was anyone else’s order, it would be illegal

👏👏👏

Vegetables are dangerous!!!

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“Said the king to the people everywhere, listen to what I say …” #BestChristmasCarols

Today I found out I needed to hear 'Everybody wants to rule the world' in Classical Latin. youtu.be/Xtt78SW-mgg?...

The miserable thin person who avoids holiday sweets who will one day be buried next to the happy fat person who avoided nothing.

“When in doubt choose the path that involves the most feasting.” #inspiration #blessed

Oh it’s just me looking better than anyone ever should