Historian of abolition here, history tells us how we got here, to put it succinctly “John Brown was hanged for treason and Robert E. Lee was not.”

If we actually want to appreciate moms, we should be providing free childcare, healthcare, and guaranteed income for stay-at-home parents to put more money in families’ pockets and ensure no SAHP is reliant on a partner for their economic security. Idk I think that’s better than 15% off a vacuum.

I'm at an old guy rock show tonight. LA Guns at The Ritz. Down the street there's an all-ages punk show happening that's also cool. All the kids with their piercings and dyed hair. I want to tell them "Come... Come down the street with me and let me show you what you'll look like in 30 years."

Yep

I honestly didn't (consciously) know much about Ted Turner. It's been cool to be reminded of all the good stuff he did. But his best achievement? He was a billionaire that we didn't have to hear and think about every day.

So these billionaires are going to milk us all for everything and then when "the event" happens they're going to retreat to their bunkers for... What exactly? Just live out the rest of their days in a bunker in a world with no people and where money doesn't mean anything anymore?

This "not war" is what happens when a dropped SNL sketch goes rogue and becomes reality.

Fuck... and I can't emphasize this enough... that ballroom.

I'm picking up a to-go order and yelled "DON'T YOU WANT TO SEE MY ID? YOU NEED TO SEE MY ID!"

I mean, I don't even think they'd ask for ID at the secret restaurants these guys go to to eat children.

And they thought they had nothing in common with the Vatican.

Now with more Fron-tears.

If the Big Mac gets him they'll be wearing little hamburgers around their necks forever.

I keep singing "They paved Hitler's grave and put up a parking lot" to the tune of Big Yellow Taxi.

"I guess you're not ready for my sacrifice yet. But your kids are gonna love it." — Martyr McFly

Oh, look. It's the Dry Bar of book publishers.

This is really the pot calling the kettle Donald.

"We're not going to win because we're hateful idiots with no good ideas" isn't an emergency, Cletus.

Because their only idea is "how can I be even shittier today?"

The 2nd moderator in last night's CA governor debate showed wildly bad form in complimenting Hilton on his commercial.

CA Republicans are like "Huh.. One is a whiner with a victim complex and no real ideas and the other is a smug prick from the propaganda channel with no real ideas. I just don't know which one to pick! They're both so great!"

Ypu ever hear the band Burn The Ballroom? Really good band. Really good name. #ballroom

When they build bulletproof ballroom is to every school then maybe...maybe we talk about him getting ine.

If you were horrified watching elected leaders run & scramble because of gun violence, just imagine how my daughter Jaime felt in school running from an active shooter before she was killed. Now, become a part of the solution & only vote for people determined to address gun violence in America.

Staging a shooting is a heck of a way to get out of giving a speech.

I'm so tired I could sleep like Trump in the middle of a meeting with a large group of people kissing his stupid ass.

He deserves every bit of this ridicule. But even more l, he deserves to be arrested and kept away from everyone for the rest of his miserable life.

Breaking: BBC opens eyes and looks around for 3 seconds.

You know who doesn't have to announce that they're "extraordinarily brilliant"? Extraordinarily brilliant people.

"Those taxes you just paid? The money is going straight into Trump's pocket" would be good messaging

There are apartment complexes near me named Gideon, Graham, Eleanor, and The Edge. It sounds like the members of a U2 side project.

I laughed

Today is the 251st anniversary of Paul Revere's midnight ride to warn the Minutemen of approaching British troops. I want to take a moment to share an excerpt from the Declaration of Independence's grievances against King George III. Remind you of anyone?

This is just stealing 10 billion of our dollars. Trump is the most corrupt president in US history.

Hey! I just drove my car through the front window of a 7-11! They have to raise all their prices now to cover the cost but I'm going to give them 20 billion dollars so I can get free Slurpees for life! Art of the deal!

I'd rather have a president that stutters than one who can't tell the difference between a picture of Jesus and a picture of a doctor.

Comedians are like "Shoot, I drove 700,000 miles to do 30 minutes on a Tribble Run gig in Montana in 2006."

Don't feel bad, guys. Even the sun deals with male pattern baldness.

Do you know how big an asshole you have to be to get an atheist like me to side with the Pope?

Humans will always find something to fight about. But I hope we can get back to fighting about what order to watch Star Wars movies in or the fate of the McRib instead of which people shouldn't get to exist.

A trade blockade? I feel like we've already seen this Star Wars movie.

Trump will be totally OK with Iran charging ships to go through the strait as soon as he figures out how to get a piece of the action.

Amazing that every "the strait is open" article posted this morning was out of date by 11am.

Doing a lot of deep breathing today.

Super "Christian" President on Easter says what?

Jesus popping out of the cave like "That's a nice fertility festival ya got there. It's mine now."

I guess I can stop chasing fame now. I've arrived.