My friend said "Ignorance is bliss" Honestly I feel like I was better off not knowing that

“I have literally never been spoken to so rudely in my entire life. You’re *lucky* I’m on parole you piece of shit.” -Me to my parole officer

Just finished The Berenstain Bears and frankly I found it juvenile and ursine

My friend from Barrie said he might move to Orangeville... Honestly, is this a province or a FRUIT SALAD??

The captain or whatever just said on the intercom that we're leaving late so we're going to "try to make up time in the air"... Which is weird because I'm on a bus!

Thinking of growing out my weenis this year

Just knocked out a security guard and put on his uniform. Might have something big to announce soon...

I’m a comic, why do I get invites to go watch terrible comedy shows? I’m supposed to be *on* those!!

Hey email inviting me (a comic) to go watch a mediocre comedy show: No, I’m not ready for an “epic lineup”.

As soon as I get a ceremonial key to the city for being such a good citizen and all around person: It's over for all you you-know-whats!

Scoot McNairy was my generation's Skeet Ulrich

the handsome sonofabitch store called

I feel that my wife purchases too many hats.

I'll have what he's having

The drinks at Starbucks have such crazy names these days like what the HELL is tea???

So the olympics are coming up again... Hey, the only time that I ever do the high jump... is when I get my wife's hat bill!!!

I've never really tried stand-up comedy (And I've been doing stand-up comedy for almost ten years)

The other day I peed my pants so hard that I almost sneezed a little... Could've been embarrassing.

It's kinda crazy that they keep bees in an *apiary* but they keep apes in a *sad* *concrete* *nightmare*

Sorry if *YOU* got offended that I stole your catalytic converter...

Was in the woods all weekend So I'm sorry if I smell like climate change

Muchmusic was taken off the air for showing too much VJ

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY I'M GETTING MCDONALDS SEND NUDES

It's not that confit for the duck...

BRB just reading my calculator app's privacy policy

doing donuts in the parking lot no vehicle involved

grew up so poor we had a black and white radio

Honestly at this point, I'd actually be happy to get a shopping cart with JUST one wonky wheel!

The other day I got a shopping cart with one wonky wheel and now I'm a bald loser Be careful out there

first of all. this is a 19th century ranch hand outfit, not a cowboy outfit. and second, yes. i would like to speak with an attorney

I don’t need a sugar daddy (pays for stuff) I need a goose daddy (guards the highway while I eat grass)

Got a universal laptop charger. Heading to Alpha Centauri. Should be fine

Hey pal, I don't come down to where you work and struggle to maintain relevance in an increasingly diffracted online digital marketplace

Thinking of growing out my wang

I can actually read sheet comedy

Not trying to escape to Narnia? In this economy??

When I said I was going to become a comedian everybody laughed at me Because I told them some of my excellent jokes.

Me and my wife have a safe-word It's "get-the-hell-away-from-me-you-bald-unfunny-loser"

I'd like to become filthy rich And I'm basically half way there

After high-school I did a gap-decade

What's the deal with dystopian hellscapes?

What's the deal with split peas? You can't eat a whole pea??

Lost our softball game today I have brought great shame to my family Plus, as I said, we lost that ballgame today

Finally finished watching "The Wire" The outlet did it.

Work is making me do another piss test Which actually makes sense since I work at the piss factory

I'm on the highway to the danger zone! In the HOV lane Taking my kids to danger soccer!

They could NEVER make Blazing Saddles today (it's a holiday and everything's closed)

I was basically straight edge until I was 4

Apple tv? What's next? Strawberry alarm clock??

Almost had a threesome last night... Just needed to have been popular enough to attract some other people to be involved and also enough comfort with my body and nudity and also the lack of inhibition to engage in something like that and to not struggle so much with insecurity. And some rubbers.