Not for nothing, but any strategy that makes survival significantly harder for civilians has a civilian body count.

Fuck it, we ball

Now they tell me.

How I’m walking out of 2025

My gym cancelled classes over a measly 5” of snow. Where do we think we are, Dallas? Dammit I was really counting on that dopamine.

Okay, it is snowing like nobody’s business out there. I have Thai curry soup and jasmine rice. Snuffy and I are on the couch listening to podcasts. The heat works now (y’all it is 68 degrees in here). It’s so very nice. I also did some defensive parking and I won’t have to dig out tomorrow.

These questions are meaningless. Speak up, speak plainly and concisely, hush when your point is made if debate is not useful or called for. Just like every murderer thinks somebody needed killing-everyone who ever said anything thought somebody needed to say it.

Not to brag or nothing, but it’s 17 degrees out, and I finally fixed my heat. The temperature in my living room has gone from 55 to 68 over the last 90 minutes.

A rhyme of these two ideas is super common- nearly always goes like this: Some people are good people, but bad things happened to them and they shouldn’t have to live through this kind of pain. But some people are just bad people who are being selfish and they should suck it up because that’s life

Today is the magical day where Instagram suddenly transforms to wall to wall coverage of dogs opening presents

Merry Crimbo, brahs

In case you needed to see a cat in a beret

That’s true for all niche genres- the actors don’t get to be in on the joke. But if Michael Caine can menace a frog and Mark Hamill can cut off his dad’s hand with camera parts, anything is possible.

I just saw some guy on a cat diabetes forum tell a woman who didn’t know the chemistry of fat metabolism that she needed to take organic chemistry- but to do the 101-level class, inorganic chemistry, first. I’m trying so hard not to weigh in just so I can hoist a reply guy by his own petard.

Today has been an exercise in malicious compliance and I love that for me.

I am in a public space, and I’m intently posting here to avoid a visual encounter with a douchebag.

What’s your WWI name? I’ll go first. I’m Creeping Barrage.

Eating at a New York City bar. Did I just hear someone refer to Jameson as Jambo, and now I need to speak to his father- about his choice in liquor and his manner of speech. Both apparently could use some work.

Pathetic- maybe. But I’m in enough of a state about it to make that your problem. But also I have cheese sticks and I’m pretty sure that’s going to handle everything for both of us.

You ever say something people need to hear- and you know you’re not being a dick- but the thing challenges something unpleasant that gets unintentionally tangled in with the better angels of their nature and so you still feel like a dick?

Of course the last day before my heat is fixed is the first day we’re going to be 14 degrees overnight. Pray for me. (I’m fine, it’s 60 in here. But I am an enormous baby)

When those commercial leases roll off, you will never hear the word collaboration again

I just had a guy at the bar in a pizzeria uno tell me he’s an undercover federal agent. I think that means I’m looking kind of cute today.

Of course it’s not a hostage situation. It’s more like a party where everybody just realized that alpha beta omega pregamed a fifth of everclear. We all know somebody’s gonna call the cops sometime in the next 5-30 minutes and there are guys in the corner taking bets on how long till it happens.

I’m an objectively terrible person and that is my favorite thing about myself.

I don’t need a boyfriend. I need somebody to tell me I’m pretty and whether the tire pressure warning light is on because it matters or if it’s just cold. I also want chicken parmigiana and I need concrete instructions on how to go about handling that.

I have this coworker where I am well within bitch eating crackers territory. Like I can’t stand even the sound of his voice anymore.

Watching wicked again and can I register once more- girl is just green- and not in the annoying metaphorical way where you have to explain everything thirty thousand times.

Opinions that make me unpopular at work: There are two types of investment- ones I can break your legs if you fuck up and ones where you asked to hold a dollar What the fuck do people mean by alternatives? Shit I can break extra legs for or if someone super sketchy wants to hold a dollar?

Hey, that was my joke

No but a nontrivial amount of society’s resources are really trying to make it happen.

they should invent books where the pages are fruit rollups

When I say MTG just know that I mean magic the gathering every single time.

Like protected from who

It has been zero days since some dude made me cry in jujitsu. He didn’t hurt me, but Mr. 225 lbs kept saying i could to pass his guard if I believed in myself more and wouldn’t listen when I answered his glib bullshit. I got frustrated and teared up, I said “I’m doing the best I can” and left.

Okay- on instagram somebody was asking: if you would smile if your petty grudge were to trip over a curb, and I wasn’t happy at all thinking of him tripping But y’all-the idea of him failing to account for a currency hedge put a smile on my face that usually only happens if I’m punching somebody

Why is open enrollment so depressing

I am at Barnes and Nobel- am I getting the 2-in-1 reading throw and wrap or am I getting Sherpa lined reading socks?

I’m listening to a podcast and with three pieces of information: 1-the owner of Macy’s was involved 2-there’s an orphanage with a 40% death rate and 3-it had its own dairy herd. I could guess the name of the orphanage and the decade this happened. I’m so pleased with myself- absolutely insufferable

Me realizing that we’re one step closer to le tits now season.

Be the chaos you want to see in the world.

I am sad. And what do we do when we’re sad- The answer is a new tattoo but I’m in a surprisingly flexible headspace and therefore taking other suggestions. I already do all the truly dumb adrenaline shit, and i am absolutely about to do a fuckton more- just so you don’t waste your time

I know an intelligent man who, based on the soup of his current media environment, claimed loudly to a room full of people that raw milk could be used in lieu of blood in an emergency transfusion.

Some people need to believe that once upon a time people were all strong-but they have the discipline to face the pain, labor, and discomfort of the past- and so, reap the good health borne of that superior morality Or they have to admit the race is not to the swift. And they’re not tryna hear that

I miss having a drafts folder. A true cabinet of horrors.

Me flirting:

Y’all, I live in a building with elevators and a designated parking zone for deliveries. The asshole who who was supposed to deliver my food left it on the street. If there were a gun to my head, I’m not going down there. Am I a dick for getting a refund?

Guys I had the hardest day, and you all cheered me up to the point that I feel like doing my favorite lonely girl pastime. I’m about to watch Jaws bitches.

Two minutes old and already an underrated tweet