Be the chaos you want to see in the world.

I am sad. And what do we do when we’re sad- The answer is a new tattoo but I’m in a surprisingly flexible headspace and therefore taking other suggestions. I already do all the truly dumb adrenaline shit, and i am absolutely about to do a fuckton more- just so you don’t waste your time

I know an intelligent man who, based on the soup of his current media environment, claimed loudly to a room full of people that raw milk could be used in lieu of blood in an emergency transfusion.

Some people need to believe that once upon a time people were all strong-but they have the discipline to face the pain, labor, and discomfort of the past- and so, reap the good health borne of that superior morality Or they have to admit the race is not to the swift. And they’re not tryna hear that

I miss having a drafts folder. A true cabinet of horrors.

Me flirting:

Y’all, I live in a building with elevators and a designated parking zone for deliveries. The asshole who who was supposed to deliver my food left it on the street. If there were a gun to my head, I’m not going down there. Am I a dick for getting a refund?

Guys I had the hardest day, and you all cheered me up to the point that I feel like doing my favorite lonely girl pastime. I’m about to watch Jaws bitches.

Two minutes old and already an underrated tweet

Can I just get a shirt made that says bro it doesn’t work like that- it would save me so much time.

The world was not ready for James Mickens

For whoever needs to hear this- using ChatGPT for therapy is like mashing the keys on a calculator and interpreting the numbers as signs from God. But under the hood it’s got an opaque enigma machine that turns those numbers into words. I mean it. Don’t. Not even for a guided meditation

I’m taking to someone on tinder and I’m low key trying to figure out how often they work out because i need them to not be mad that I manage my mental health by spending literally all my time at the gym.

My gay friend told me he thought I looked amazing today and I don’t ever think I’ve felt better about how I look.

Dude said if. lol

I cannot explain my fucked up day except in terms of the recipe for the dinner I am making. I need deep comfort and I have so few fucks to give that I literally took a chance on riding out a fire alarm. Recipe below.

I just got sent this- is Tyson Fury smizing?

There are people who think pigeons aren’t real. I don’t believe in beets. They’re not an actual vegetable and everyone who says they like to eat them is a spy.

Not sure, but maybe if you have a headline news tweet that’s doing numbers, and it turns out the headline was highly misleading, you should delete the misleading tweet and post a standalone correction- rather than relying on people to scroll down to find an update in the replies.

This button would disable these ads from direct affiliates and sell your entire data profile to every crypto and gaming organization with a dollar and the technical ability to operate legally in your jurisdiction.

Okay- most of y’all know this, but here goes: Food pantries and community kitchens are gonna need more money and extra workers. Notes: 1) They can get more for a dollar than you can 2) Some jobs may really warm your heart but somebody’s got to unload trucks and clean the tables

Remember 2014 before shit started sliding sideways at this incredible pace? I put on an oversized sweater, leggings, and uggs and I’m headed out for a pumpkin spice latte. Join me in this act of remembrance.

I have a date tomorrow night for the first time since the Pleistocene extinction and I’m really nervous. Why is it so scary to like someone?

Almost heaven

Can we collectively create a conspiracy theory- there has to be one somewhere that would make the world better

It’s been a minute but once again I am drunk on a train. I am not proud of it, but here we are. I love most of you fuckers.

Just felt the need to retweet Leon. Everyone, this is Leon.

I’m not subtweeting anyone. But. You don’t have to believe everybody. But also you don’t have to announce it every time you don’t believe somebody.

Thinking about driving to Vermont tomorrow. I could use some space and sunlight

It is crisp af out here

There’s a personality type I call “smartest guy in the room.” They have such a high opinion of themselves that other people’s perspectives aren’t welcome. I mean, I can answer your direct questions all day long, bro, but it’s not gonna matter. You’re asking about the wrong things.

I do not care if I annoy you with my activism. It’s Fat Bear Week. This is the most important series of bear elections in the history of the world and the bracket drops tomorrow. Get out there and vote.

It is the middle of the night and I need to fucking sleep. I even went climbing. I always get sleepy after a climb. You accidentally sleep for 14 hours one time and you’re fucked for the indefinite future.

This is going to sound like gibberish but Nathan Orchard said I did a good job on a truck entry and I can die happy now.

Today, I told my team that we should not abbreviate Brown Brothers Harriman as BBH because it could confused with the acronym’s usage for Big Booty Hoe. Then I found out that’s not a thing and it was just me saying that.

It’s Sea Otter Awareness Week AND Fat Bear Week. This is better than Christmas

Instagram may be the most cursed reality, but I now know that Karl Lagerfeld’s cat- who has her own apartment, body guard and chef- dislikes Kim Kardashian Whoever is running the cat’s instagram posted a video of her hissing at Kim Kardashian and captioned it “Choupette doesn’t like Kim Kardassian”

I live in Fairfield county CT. One side borders NYC, but not where I live. I’m wondering if I should come out and be my truest self. So guys, should I finally buy a Red Sox hat? I need to express that deep in the foul rag and bone shop of my heart are writ the fingernail-etched words Yankees Suck.

There’s a dude in front of me in the line at cvs and he is playing a podcast over his phone’s speaker without headphones. Should I put on If Books Could Kill at full volume and stand really close to him?

I’m sure someone else has thought of this before, but porcine papillomavirus would literally mean Hogwarts.

I’m planning a surprise bachelorette party for my friend who didn’t have one but got married three years ago. I enlisted her husband and one other friend so far as co-conspirators. I named the group chat Snitches get Stiches and made the photo Omar from the wire.

Poorly.

There’s this awesome old guy that I train with who sends me cat memes and videos. But he doesn’t understand things like “I don’t have Facebook.” After awhile, I just pretended to see them. Now I really want to respond with something heartfelt and I can’t admit that I didn’t see his last 50 messages

I’m caught in the true crime Bermuda Triangle. The Peterson parallax. In isolation, it looks like you’ve got three murderers. But if you look at them next to each other, you’ve got two murderers and an owl.

Rizzo: Rats don’t understand these things Gonzo: You were never a lonely child? Rizzo: I had twelve hundred and seventy four brothers and sisters. You can point that metaphor in a lot of directions.

Watching Alligator (1980) I realized why I love creature features might be that it’s historically been one of the few places where a woman could be scientific or journalistic and authoritative and also hot.

When I’m fucked up and stupid, there’s nothing in the world I love more than people who have more pride than me. The good lord sent you delicate sensibilities and it is appreciated more than you think. Shout out to the lady in the masspike service island restroom whose hands are really really dry.

I drive 75k-125k miles a year. I have stopped for weather 3 times in my life. One was like an actual tornado. One would have been fine but there was nowhere to chain up and it was getting bad. And now- this lil temper tantrum of a thunderstorm has taken a slot on that list.

This morning I see a huge bird like a massive egret. So I ask ChatGPT and it tells me it’s a Great Egret. I tell it, I know great egrets, and this looks just like one but it’s freaking huge. Internet madlibs stares me straight in the eye and tells me: it’s a chad egret. An absolute unit of bird.

I need some motherfucking whimsy in my life. Real question, if you were an enchantress putting a spell on a ring- what would that ring do? Say why or be mysterious, just speak your truth.