This is a lie. I've seen it happen

One good thing about being a comedy writer: if you get a text from a recruiter that says they're looking for workers with "exactly your skill set," you know it's a scam

Wow, DC Studios really pulled out all the stops to promote Superman. They just straight-up sent this guy to my house

REMEMBER KIDS when flooding a snitch form, DON’T use obvious troll responses that can be filtered out with a query Use PLAUSIBLE FAKE data that will take TIME and EFFORT to run down. This poisons the entire data pool and makes it useless

Call your R representative in the US House and tell them to vote against this budget tonight. Do it right now, seriously. It matters. You can find them here: reps.fyi

Billy Crystal edited into Conclave but instead of pope they’re voting for Best Picture: “Psst, is 'Anora' with one N or two? I love our red yarmulkes, by the way.”

Farewell, David Lynch. Wishing you beautiful blue skies and golden sunshine!

☁️ FREE PURIFIERS ☁️ Do you live in Boyle Heights, East L.A., or Commerce? The South Coast AQMD is giving out free air purifiers for your home to clear the air of wildfire smoke, pollution, and airborne pathogens. bit.ly/AQMD-purifiers

Why The Ball Is Dropping And What We Can Still Do To Stop It

Mnemonic devices are great, because if you wake up in the middle of the night and think of a list of things you have to do, you don’t need paper or your phone, you just have to wake up remembering “BUGSBPHN” and also what each of the 8 letters stood for

One of the finest actors of his generation

When you try to take a picture of a car at night but you don’t hold it still enough so you accidentally have an artistic breakthrough

Customer service rep on the phone kept calling me “Sir Gabriel,” like a knight. Have to say, did not mind it. 5 stars

Reskeet this until it breaks. Then reskeet it again. We need to flood Congress with phone calls TODAY to make sure they don't slip the dangerous and misguided Kids Online Safety Act (KOSA) into a must-pass year end bill. This bill would make kids LESS safe and threatens LGBTQ ppl & human rights.

Watched The Day The Earth Stood Still (1951) directed by Robert Wise, who seemed to be able to do any genre: sci-fi, Western, film noir, war, and in the 60s, Best Picture-winning musicals West Side Story AND The Sound of Music. Oh, and before all that? He worked as an editor. On CITIZEN KANE

If you like your listening easy and your cigarettes long-smoking, check out Easy AM 66. Just picked up the latest volume on Bandcamp, and it's gold, baby

Rude

Help us send 2,000 books to readers who are incarcerated this winter through our Books Not Bars program

PLEASE READ THIS THE DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION IS ACTUALLY VERY IMPORTANT

You may think you’ve been to this place before but you haven’t, it’s brand new

Back in February 2021 I was so irritated by Matt Gaetz's smugness that I got fixating on drawing him, trying in vain to capture the essence of his distorted-doll creepy punchability.

I think Panda Express may have put out a hit on me

If you're looking for a way to help (and help with your anxiety), it's not too late -- I just signed up and wrote my first batch of letters to voters. It was just 5, but it felt good to do something, and I'm going back for more! #DidThisToday

Anybody do one with his perp walk being called a Turkey trot?

Really enjoyed Project Hail Mary, the latest by Andy Weir, author of The Martian. Science teacher wakes up in space alone and realizes it’s on him to save humanity. Not that it needs my help — it’s a best-seller that’s going to be a Ryan Gosling movie. But just sharing something positive!

Cool to be one of the first 10%, but not as cool as back in the day when I got [email protected], NO NUMBERS

Had a dream there was a new rule in hockey: goal was equipped with a shield the goalie could quickly pull down to fully cover the goal for a second, but it was set to take so much strength to pull it down that the goalie could only really use it once per game. If anyone’s with the #NHL I take Venmo

When you ask the barber for a little off the top

Guess I haven’t kept up with trucker culture because this is not what I pictured

Sick of having to decide every time whether to spell the color "gray" or "grey." Switching to "græy"

Why does our kitchen smell like latkes? Our son made them for his Japanese class. NO FURTHER EXPLANATION NEEDED.

The eclipse is so cool!

Unfortunate timing to be licking my lips as someone walked by and made eye contact

Kensington Palace being angry that a late night comedy show didn't warn them about infidelity jokes is a perfect Studio 60 storyline

Earthquake is a good way to see which LA people I know are still on Twitter

I finally got our rain-freaked dog to pee for the first time since the rain started yesterday, and it feels like I’ve accomplished enough for one day

You got a

Now this is the kind of clickbait that might work on me

Now even plants are appropriating the Punisher logo?

What fresh oil is this?

Standing by to switch from strike hoodie to work hoodie

*walks into Bluesky with shades on and cigarette hanging off lip* The name’s Gabe, and my takes are as ultra-dark as my sungla— *immediately trips over low black coffee table, falls on face and swallows cigarette*