One of the rare treats that comes along with publishing a book about a bull semen heist is the Montgomery Burns-esque grin that oozes across my face when my new physical therapist asks what my book is about.

Quick reminder that yes, I did write a heist book about a pair of thieves trying to steal bull semen. Not a euphemism. It’s called Extraction.

“It’s fine, I have all the way until June before this book goes to the editor! That’s like…” Counts weeks on calendar. Stares in shock. Vomits.

I nearly bought a Raspberry Pi today before scrambling back from that hyperfixation cliff as if my life depended on it.

Ranger, book three in the Alddarri Archives, release date announcement.

I’ve been thinking about the scene I wrote this morning for over three years. To say it ruined me would be a bit of an understatement, but there’s something indescribable about finally realizing such a massive moment in this nine book series.

I have many goals I’d like to realize as an author, but I think the peak will be having to awkwardly explain to a fan that they misspelled my character’s name on that tattoo. Dream big, everyone.

Pickle’s weather report: “THE GODS HAVE FORSAKEN US POSEIDON’S WRATH IS NIGH LOVE ME FATHER AS THE DARKNESS CLOSES IN!” Translation: 20 mph winds and a bit of rain.

I’m about to enter my unhinged era for book promotion. If you can find the truck stop bathroom I’ve written the entire manuscript of my bull semen heist novel Extraction, there’ll be a fun easter egg for you. Not that. That’s not the Easter egg. Don’t touch that.

Drake is the all-time biggest loser of a rap feud and that includes people who have gotten shot and died as a result of rap feuds

If they wanted to take over the country, they only had to wait like three weeks until every technocratic nerd was unreachably distracted. They fundamentally do not understand us, and that is why they will lose.

Just a quick reminder that I did indeed write a fantasy heist novel about a pair of thieves trying to steal bull semen. Which means I had to research how bull semen is collected. If that’s not worth a book purchase, I don’t know what is.

When I was young my dad told me that if you had an innie bellybutton you had to marry someone with an outie bellybutton so you could snap together. Still don’t know if that’s amazing or terrible parenting.

Only thing we’re leaving behind in our old apartment.

Apparently I’M the weird one for making cleaning more fun by pretending I just messily murdered someone and now I have to scrub the scene clean so that the forensic techs don’t send me away. Let them try. I’m the best at this. You can’t even tell the horrors that happened in the crisper drawer.

Come one, come all, and gather round for my definitive thread on the MOST COMMON MYTHS ABOUT BOOK PUBLISHING:

Writing tip: After you finish, go back & cut all the adverbs. Then all the adjectives. Then all the other words. Eat the paper. Now you're free.

Wooo new office!

I had all this intent to hit the ground running in 2025. I may have not taken into account that I’m moving in five days. This may have been a miscalculation.

Setting my goals for 2025 in the hope that I’ll have as good a year as I did in 2024. - Write and publish Ranger. - Find a way to bring an audiobook of Frostbitten to life. - Be healthier on December 31 than I am now. - Pay off debt. The goal is for my actions to align with these goals.

Statements from my in-laws : “This neighborhood was so bad the government declared it blighted.” “You would not believe how many dead bodies they’ve found in that park.” “See that street? That’s where all the drive-by shootings happen.” Followed by: “I don’t understand why guys won’t move here.”

CHEESE IT, IT’S THE COPS

Found the next big BookTok trend.

Oh shit… Y’ALL, I FOUND IT

I started marking every state I’ve shipped a book to. (This doesn’t count Amazon, because they don’t share those details.) New England, I promise you’d dig Frostbitten! It’s set in a frozen hellscape!

Also, aside from my somewhat maudlin post earlier, I really am excited to be dropping a bull semen heist novel tomorrow. To be clear, the bull semen is the objective of the heist, not the perpetrator. Dammit, did I miss an opportunity?

Tomorrow, my next book EXTRACTION releases. It might be some of the best writing I’ve ever done. It was also the book that made me work for every single page. Writing it was mentally and creatively exhausting, and I find myself not quite knowing how to feel about finally reaching the finish line.

Pickle would like to remind you that a lot is two words. He’s kind of weird about it.

Dear judgy woman who glared at me, if there’s a way to exercise that doesn’t involve a stream of profanity gasped out between heaving breaths on that last hill, I don’t know what it is, so keep your sniffs to yourself, PAMELA.

Pickle would like to remind all of you of the importance of interiority in your 3rd person limited stories. I think @ceemtaylor.bsky.social paid him to say that, though.

It’s important that people here are aware of my writing buddy Pickle. He’s responsible for at least 15% of the good shit in my books.

Proposed new rule: You’re not allowed to refer to anything as a “superfood” unless it actually gives you telepathy. If chia seeds lived up to the hype I’d be hovering above the ground with my eyes glowing.

I’m new to BlueSky, so this seems like a good opportunity to say I wrote a heist novel called Extraction about stealing bull semen that comes out December 3rd.