Gentle Reminder: if you’re currently having unprotected sex, you may find yourself giving birth to a Scorpio. Proceed with caution.

This is who runs this account.

❤️

Watching Christian influencers try to spin not talking about what’s happening in the world is WILD. I would love to see JUST ONE say “Listen. I’m scared to lose followers because this is my livelihood and I’m the breadwinner and my book deals are based on my follower count.”

Imagine if they were evil AND intelligent. www.nytimes.com/interactive/...

I don’t want to hear anything from an elected official unless it’s a plan to defund the DHS and impeach Noem, Bovino, etc. No texts. No emails. No talk about the economy. Step up or step off.

I’m not freaking out about the ice storm. Why do you ask?

You’ll never guess who sent me a cease and desist today. DID YOU GUESS A TEXAS CHURCH? I look forward to Bride of Christ v Jamie B. Golden.

The “prosecute the former regime at every level” candidate has my vote in 2028.

In 2026, we’re all going to spell it correctly. W-H-O-A.

Do not show this to my therapist.

The only Russian propaganda I’m accepting in 2026.

May you have a sliver of the joy Chuck has this Christmas Day.

Sometimes art is buried.

OH at my hair salon: “How can she be MAGA? She lived in Osaka for 3 years. “I think Jesus was real. He had friends.”

Me looking at those Vanity Fair pics as part of my new nightly bedtime routine.

I just heard someone say they want to be “work optional” in their 50s. NEW GOAL UNLOCKED.

If Netflix is emailing about anything other than a price hike, then you know it’s bad. AND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. 🤣

Roll Tide. ❤️🤍

Reading a book about fated mates: Love. That book using the word “mate” 180x: Loathe.

Can you imagine not having the internet this week?

My favorite Chris met my favorite Pope.

The children yearn for prophecy.

Did I just order 16 months of gummies since they are trying to shoehorn a federal ban into this shutdown bill? Yes.

I am prepared to spend dollars and knock on doors even if it ends with Alabama breaking my heart again. DOJO.GOV ❤️🤍

I think what is most flabbergasting about all of this is voters just overwhelming gave the Democratic Party a perfectly clear signal that they will be heavily rewarded for fighting.

There are more of us than there are of them.

The men are not immune. 🤣

A good day in Birmingham gathered with 1,500 folks who didn’t try to gaslight me even once. #nokings

A pop culture podcaster working out her thoughts in the Notes app.

Someone let me know when it’s semi-safe to talk about Kansas City filler. I JUST WANT TO HAVE A QUICK CHAT.

Good luck to Anne of Green Gables to try and save us.

“Diet Coke is pretty people humor.” Stephania Alvarado 💀

Shoutout to the folks who have deconstructed but are still a smidge scared of the rapture. ☁️

Can we reschedule the rapture for next week? Alchemised comes out on Tuesday and it’s 1000 pages so I’m gonna need at least two days for that. Plus, I’m going to Santa Fe this weekend and I have new bras currently in shipment.

I would like my government supervisors to know that I think Sydney Sweeney ads are wholesome, Dakota Johnson in Persuasion was a great choice, and the adaptation of The Summer I Turned Pretty should win a Pulitzer.

“Jimmy Kimmel wasn’t doing politics right.” —Ezra Klein

Vaccine Treats 💘 Pro-Tip: If I hadn’t been able to check “obesity” as my under 65 immunocompromised condition, I would have checked “former smoker” because I smoked a cigar on Y2K.

Merch before the funeral? I thought we were the ones disrespecting the family? The call is coming from inside the cult.

The horrors persist, but so does my tretinoin.

I just saw someone in IG comments trying to have a persuasive conversation about the profound legacy of CK while also going by the username “mfingerbellsouthnet.” GOD WINKS EVERYWHERE.

Some need to tread lightly around those of us navigating all the folks who suddenly care about bad things happening in the world. I’m glad you finally made it to the party, but don’t pee on my couch. SUBTWEET TO MY DMS.

In case it was unclear, I am open to both dark and light money support.

I will always help my friends find the silver lining.

It’s my favorite time of year. Seeing pics of kids on the first day of school when they haven’t quite mastered smiling without looking quite distraught.

I’m attempting a no-buy August. So, I just placed 17 online orders.

Today on the internet.

My new favorite cult. 🀄️

Bitterness is not bravery. Cynicism is not activism.

I promise, cancelling Paramount+ is not a hardship.