Roll Tide. ❤️🤍

Reading a book about fated mates: Love. That book using the word “mate” 180x: Loathe.

Can you imagine not having the internet this week?

My favorite Chris met my favorite Pope.

The children yearn for prophecy.

Did I just order 16 months of gummies since they are trying to shoehorn a federal ban into this shutdown bill? Yes.

I am prepared to spend dollars and knock on doors even if it ends with Alabama breaking my heart again. DOJO.GOV ❤️🤍

I think what is most flabbergasting about all of this is voters just overwhelming gave the Democratic Party a perfectly clear signal that they will be heavily rewarded for fighting.

There are more of us than there are of them.

The men are not immune. 🤣

A good day in Birmingham gathered with 1,500 folks who didn’t try to gaslight me even once. #nokings

A pop culture podcaster working out her thoughts in the Notes app.

Someone let me know when it’s semi-safe to talk about Kansas City filler. I JUST WANT TO HAVE A QUICK CHAT.

Good luck to Anne of Green Gables to try and save us.

“Diet Coke is pretty people humor.” Stephania Alvarado 💀

Shoutout to the folks who have deconstructed but are still a smidge scared of the rapture. ☁️

Can we reschedule the rapture for next week? Alchemised comes out on Tuesday and it’s 1000 pages so I’m gonna need at least two days for that. Plus, I’m going to Santa Fe this weekend and I have new bras currently in shipment.

I would like my government supervisors to know that I think Sydney Sweeney ads are wholesome, Dakota Johnson in Persuasion was a great choice, and the adaptation of The Summer I Turned Pretty should win a Pulitzer.

“Jimmy Kimmel wasn’t doing politics right.” —Ezra Klein

Vaccine Treats 💘 Pro-Tip: If I hadn’t been able to check “obesity” as my under 65 immunocompromised condition, I would have checked “former smoker” because I smoked a cigar on Y2K.

Merch before the funeral? I thought we were the ones disrespecting the family? The call is coming from inside the cult.

The horrors persist, but so does my tretinoin.

I just saw someone in IG comments trying to have a persuasive conversation about the profound legacy of CK while also going by the username “mfingerbellsouthnet.” GOD WINKS EVERYWHERE.

Some need to tread lightly around those of us navigating all the folks who suddenly care about bad things happening in the world. I’m glad you finally made it to the party, but don’t pee on my couch. SUBTWEET TO MY DMS.

In case it was unclear, I am open to both dark and light money support.

I will always help my friends find the silver lining.

It’s my favorite time of year. Seeing pics of kids on the first day of school when they haven’t quite mastered smiling without looking quite distraught.

I’m attempting a no-buy August. So, I just placed 17 online orders.

Today on the internet.

My new favorite cult. 🀄️

Bitterness is not bravery. Cynicism is not activism.

I promise, cancelling Paramount+ is not a hardship.

Never felt more like a Boomer than learning IRL from folks in their early 20s that they don’t believe Helen Keller was a real person.

OH at Brunch: Her: I tried that move in the shower that we talked about. But I didn’t do it the 5-7x you suggested. Him: The more you do it, the better you’ll feel. Me to Them: CHUCK AND JAN, I AM TRYING TO EAT GRITS IN PEACE.

Full of Cheez-its, Diet Dr. Pepper, and vaccines. ✌️

My Gen Z esthetician told me today that when she thinks of Gen X she thinks about their love of plaid and hibachi. When she thinks of Millennials, she thinks of their love of craft burgers and chalkboards.

When you’re sick and think you need to barter Hummus for Sudafed, but your friends are real ones.

Worst souvenir from London. #firsttime

My text threads are unhinged 47% of the time. Use it or lose it: www.healthline.com/health/women...

If you’re worried about the new Pride & Prejudice, my current hyper fixation Jack Lowden has Darcy covered.

Favorite thing about huge art festivals are all the immensely talented artists who have a hotmail email address on their business cards.

I wanted to gatekeep this, but it’s raising money for excellent causes. But note, you will not be able to outbid me. I once bid $3k to win a bloody tank worn by Aaron Tveit. I have no limits. www.32auctions.com/pressthepatr...

“Mama Bear Energy” is a dog whistle. Pass it on.

Love picking a 62yo woman. Hate photoshopping her to death.

Folks trying to gaslight us into thinking none of Emily Henry’s books were rom-coms since her new one isn’t.

Grab your patent leathers and your creepy basket…Jesus is alive.

Clear your schedule. Cancel the ham. Abandon your kids. Go see this film right now on the largest screen available. Stay for the post-credits. Think about it for the rest of your life.

ADHD sun, perimenopause moon, smut rising

JK Rowling could have lived the life and legacy of Dolly Parton, but every day she wakes up and chooses Kanye.

Donna finally reached the end of her rope. Good job everyone.