When you have never been through airport security in your life, you just assume it's a bunch of guys with guns looking for comic book villains

It's Monday, the world is stupid and going to work feels asinine, but at least I got a new Neurosis album to get me through the morning.

He is him. Maikel Garcia is the MVP of the 2026 #WorldBaseballClassic! 🇻🇪

After the team loses, just once I wish the pep band would play a dirge

Typical Dem genius move, suspend a tax to help bail out a dumb Trump move, let it come back just in time for midterms where they'll be blamed for bringing it back because Dems suck at messaging and Rs just lie their asses off

Madabuike rn:

These are all overcooked. I'll eat 1, but it's not what I want.

It starts with "they misfired" Then it becomes "there were terrorists hiding there" Then once everyone is used to blowing up schools, you don't get asked anymore Our lies are so lazy, we are borrowing them secondhand from Netanyahu

This woman, US citizen living in Skokie, was detained at Ohare yesterday, taken to Broadview, then transferred to a detention facility in Wisconsin, now released. We know all this not because of DHS, who repeatedly denied that they even had her, but because her phone was pinging in those locations.

Every member of the Senate is going to be faced with a tough decision in the coming weeks- vote to confirm the obviously incompetent Markwayne Mullin to DHS Secretary, or leave him in the Senate where they all have to be in the same room with him.

Officiating so bad that Self got ejected lmao

To be fair, Thomas Friedman supports all bombing and missile attacks solely because they make the world a little more flat.

This isn't the point at all but Jupiter Jetson is the best name I've ever seen

Civil rights are a kitchen-table issue.

Took my shoes and socks off when I got home Lady: ooh babe your feet smell Me: oh damn, really? Lady: yes Me: (doing high kicks near her nose) Lady: why Me: (lying on the ground with my feet in the air) Lady: WHY Me: (turning on the fan with my feet in front of it)

"We will arrest you for throwing snowballs at us" is the least cool that anyone has ever been

Some of the worst people are hitting themselves with hammers, we gotta step back and tell em to swing harder

I'm going to use a time machine to strangle Horatio Alger in his cradle

Idk why Netflix/Marvel didn't really advertise Wonder Man but it was... well, it was wonderful.

Bob Barker would kick the shit out of this cabinet

Made it a whole hour into the work week before becoming Over It

Macbeth: oh yeah we got this battle handled Malcolm and Macduff:

Yo did I see Isaiah Pacheco on the field for the end of the show?

Ok I always like Latin music, and having live brass players is like a cheat code to make me like a show, but this whole thing rules. I fucking love this show.

The winter olympics is like 90% bullshit events for the children of wealthy europeans who always went skiing on vacation and then randomly they have curling, which is totally meant to be played with a beer in one hand

‘One officer told me that I "had no chance of returning to Minnesota" and that "the best thing for (me] is self-deportation." … She offered me $2600 to self-deport. I refused. I wanted to talk to my attorney. They didn't tell me the judge had already ordered my release and return to Minnesota.’

I just want to stay in bed all day until it's warmer, can someone find me a job that lets me do that?

I don't know any Bad Bunny songs so I just hope he keeps the Super Bowl halftime show as traditional as possible and calls Drake a pedophile

Yeah I mean who needs a human trafficker when you have the natural charisma to say "I'll buy you a horse if you touch me"

Blasphemy and idolatry; there is only one Macho Man, and Miss Elizabeth is his prophet.

Since July, I've tracked at least 2,300 cases in which federal judges have ruled ICE has illegally detained people without bond or due process. This is one that stands out: storage.courtlistener.com/recap/gov.us...

Why would any competent HC go work for these two?

One of the first things we discussed in law school Torts I was that by common law, words alone cannot be assault. Maybe your employees are a bunch of bitches?

Houston's O-line was dreadful last year and this year it might be worse. Stroud is under siege.

/8 A huge part of what makes it very hard to convict Jonathan Ross for murder was baked into America generations before Trump was President. That’s the primary factor that lets law enforcement kill with impunity, not Trump. Dick Wolf has killed more black men than Leopold II.

All of the Dem messaging seems to imply that it would be OK to invade sovereign nations and murder millions if it lowered the cost of living in America

like 75% of dem messaging right now should be “the party led by epsteins best friend is breaking into pre-k childcare centers so they can record your toddlers and put the videos on internet”

Another Onion headline that ends up being 100% true

So I have the cover story in next month's TNR. I interviewed the heads of police groups; immigration defense attorneys, ex-judges and ex-prosecutors; former DOJ and DHS officials, and the former head of Border Patrol. They're all horrified at what we've seen, and they all fear what's coming.

Does the DoJ just not do doc review?

Dickhead fans are given way too much leeway. We need a Ron Arrest moment in the NFL.

I don't listen to Matt's ideas on combatting the right for the same reason that I don't listen to the Washington Generals plan for defeating the Globetrotters

KC finishing the game with a preseason week 3 offense

Since it's almost impossible that his ugly ass isn't getting honey potted, it seems rude to make our guys play taxi when her foreign handlers are right there

The war crime apologia and using his law degree to lie his ass off should get him thrown in jail, but wearing a quarter-zip in between his shirt and jacket should get him executed.

The lobby at the office is playing Christmas music and I'm just not ready for that after sliding over roads to work. So instead, it's time for real art: theonion.com/humanity-sti...

This is one of my absolute favorite Guys to Remember