So basically what the internet has taught me is that if I reply to any online post I’m a reply guy, if I tell anyone anything real about myself I’m trauma dumping, and if I empathize in a conversation, I’m making it about myself. Sounds like a really good time to me, wow, I love those ideas!

Instead of just writing and then deleting a bunch of weird sad/angry things, I’ll just admit here that social media generally makes me feel bad (as it is designed to do).

I give up. So long, and thanks for all the fish!

I have always hated this guy’s work and this surprises me exactly zero 🤮 hack-ass hack

Today I sharted and my dog ate my lunch. How’s your day going?

every time I post about the D*mocr*ts i immediately regret it. the two-party system is toxic sludge and freedom will not be won at the ballot box. dream bigger, my friends; demand the impossible.

My only gripe on this trip is that there are no quiet outdoor spaces. Everything is a sensory onslaught!!!

I’m on vacation 🫡

If you're feeling down, please remember the Viennetta ice cream video set to Darude's Sandstorm

Will any of this Trump film tariff stuff get the powers that be to make literally anything other than sequels/reboots/remakes/spinoffs of the same tired stuff (it won’t)? Gladiator II???? At least have the decency to continue something worthwhile, like the Police Academy series.

The actual White House posted an AI Star War thing? 🤮🤮🤮

I personally felt that last night’s Righteous Gemstones finale was a real stinker.

Well. I got a workout in for the first time in over a week (after multiple weeks of inconsistency) and I magically feel at least 80% less deranged. Hooray!

MY DISABILITIES ARE EATING ME ALIVE TODAY 😣

My heart hurts with rejection today. I still feel like the little kid who didn’t belong anywhere and didn’t understand that she wasn’t wanted anywhere, either.

I feel like AI is dividing the professional workforce into two categories; people who heavily rely on AI, and people who are good at their jobs.

I don’t need to like that band you like. I’m glad you like them! (I do not like them, please stop trying to convince me that I like them)

Today feels like a good day to bully Andre Dickens

Back on the frantic nightmare train at work. Expect meltdowns. Only in private, though. Can’t be autistic at work.

We made a movie with an all-clown cast (for better or worse lol) 💕

New fav shirt @breadwaterprints.bsky.social

Your sound card works perfectly! #GilbertGottfried

When people break the law, and their actions are righteous and appropriate, we should applaud them. When people abide by or enforce the law, and their actions are repugnant, we should condemn them. We should never pretend the law is a moral dividing line.

Somewhere, Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio are quietly praising JD Vance for somehow being more embarrassing than they are. Impressive levels of cringe.

"AI is coming, its inevitable" no its not you sniveling weirdo. how are those 3D TVs going. how are NFT markets looking these days. Seen anything cool in the metaverse lately? anyone who says we need to resign to using it, that itll be here whether we like it or not, is a feckless dipshit.

I think smashing a Tesla with a sledge hammer would really do me a lot of good

Anyway it’s cool that Jude Law is the Pope now. We’ve needed a Young Pope for a while

I have a lot to say today I guess but I am going to fart out one more thing: accepting that what goes on at Dad’s Garage is not and will never be any of my business has been a big step in my life as a performer. I’m free!

Alright neurotypicals, help me out here. Over the weekend, someone I follow on Instagram, who also follows me, said that I “creep on” their Instagram stories. Is looking at people’s stories considered “creeping?”

I have switched back to morning workouts due to this rowdy ass dog. Gotta say, it’s real nice to have it done before I even start work. But can my job let me do this? Can they resist the urge to ask me for things at 7:30 am? Remains to be seen, but fingers crossed. 🤞🤞🤞

On Saturday I learned that trying to improvise while stoned, even for a 4/20 themed show, just makes me sleepy and confused. Womp womp!

Were we ready for a new dog? No. Did one show up anyway? Yes. Meet Frankie!

I hope RFK Jr one day meets his ruin at the hand of autistic folks. I can shit down his throat unassisted, how bout that?

There is something extremely satisfying about flying past all the dumbshit bubba trucks and Teslas in a tiny European car

How do I quit my job to become a full-time dumbass???

Can we just leave Katy Perry in space next time, thanks

Also. Fuck AI. 🙂

Can we all please collectively agree never to make another student loan payment again???

Unfathomable to have to go back to real life tomorrow when all I’ve done for 2 days is live my dream of being a fucking idiot (clowning)

I AM SO AMPED UP FROM CLOWNING RIGHT NOW AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I have lost control of my mullet And my hair appointment is still 8 days out 🥴

Oh, you want to eliminate us, hmmmmmmmmm? This smells like eugenics to me. And it fuckin’ STINKS!!!

Run flat tires and Atlanta potholes just… don’t go together. Got it. TWO POTHOLE-RELATED FLATS IN THE COURSE OF ONE WEEK 😵‍💫

In case you didn’t know, Tubi has all the stuff you actually want to watch.

One month out from my first real vacation in several years, and all I can think about is how I can’t wait to not check my email for a week.

I will probably die from work-related stress before then, but this entire weekend is CLOWN BOSS CLOWN BOSS CLOWN BOSS 🤩

Hi, in case you didn’t know or had forgotten, there are currently-living American citizens who have experienced this, it is not a new phenomenon and IT CAN HAPPEN, and we should LISTEN TO THEM.

If anyone ever remakes Dog Day Afternoon they will have to deal with me personally and that should be enough to thwart any and all attempts at remaking Dog Day Afternoon

Today was really long and really fun. SPORTS! THEATRE!