you can order something called the Supreme Beef off the arby's secret menu and they'll just take you into the walk-in freezer and kill you

[holding a gun to the side of my 16-year-old washer] either stop leaking Or Else

i am willing to open myself up to the idea of keeping the police around with the caveat that all police officers are remote employees. they can just exist on tv screens around town so when you do a crime all they can say is "hey stop that"

winning my lawsuit but ultimately tarnishing my reputation when discovery reveals how often I text about killing the geico gecko

crazy to do this when he's obviously protected by Fool's Privilege

retiring the Geico gecko by having him get run over by a food delivery robot in a superbowl ad

[in someone else's house] alexa...play jenna maroney's muffintop

imagine how good it must feel to strap in $5k of labubus to this thing before attending your divorce proceedings on zoom

having a little trouble focusing at work today but i'm sure all i need to do is lock in on sending emails

there is a too-large contingent of people who genuinely think a trans day of visibility is a greater threat to life than actual nuclear war

rewatched Sinners and was reminded that 1) it's a complete banger and 2) during the scene where they sing "Wild Mountain Thyme" my buddy said "will ye go vampire mode?"

Paradise is a bad show and I hate that I’m watching it

when the job market is really bad my wife loves when I talk about abandoning my career to take an unpaid internship to become a secular chaplain

i'm in the BYU gym using the hip thrust machine and reciting James 5:16

[approximately 1 hour after eating a cupcake i found in the break room] listen i think it's important that we know how old that cupcake was in case somebody ate it [feeling violently ill] someone in the office could really be in trouble right now

thinking about a burn before reading situation. just take reading completely out of the equation.

Asked whether Americans should be worried about retaliatory attacks at home, Trump acknowledges the possibility. "lol," he says. "lmao"

andrew tate's mission to dubai has been halted

Data? I never even Meta

hello, sharks. we've all been there before: it's breakfast and you want a bowl of cereal, but you also don't want to be perceived as feminine? well,

as the representative of Ohio's 16th district I am demanding the release of shirtless photos of the president so we can determine the full extent of these rashes

popping an "i love my big wet president" bumper sticker on my car that upsets everyone

i'm hearing that freedom isn't free. chat is this true

[railroad spike sticking out of my head] it's mueller time :)

imagining a guy who calls it Duke Nuke Them

"your credit score has changed" okay i can only assume in a good way

shoutout to my key stakeholders

I’ve been bonesmaxxing by getting more bones surgically implanted into my body

[about to be offensive in an innovative way] as a small business owner,,

libbin out...down the street

i was framemogged your honor

(handing the most heartbroken, disgusted-looking hockey player a stuffed animal) congratulazioni! enjoy the stoat

whatever way you look at the US-Canada game this is a huge win for tariffs

hockey tuah

i've been working on something where we call it trois sur trois instead of three on three to see if it lands better with audiences

this is how i act at weddings

"we've gotta stop sea lions from eating fish" be serious

convincing Trump the balrog is real

chuck schumer: we won't be distracted by this

in my office having chest pains after reading the clavicular profile

me: im gonna grab another beer guy who had been living his entire life as a horse until 24 hours ago: some alfalfa would go crazy right now

sinking an entire industry by calling it fartificial intelligence

if the left isn't excited about AI it's only because they're nervous that the right is getting better at comedy

any time i miss a deadline at work i always remind my boss that there's a sickness in the heart of man. this usually smooths things over for a while

(Chuckling while setting my alarm for the morning) I won't know what hit me

my torturer: why aren't these stress positions making him talk? me [used to not moving for hours at a time so as not to disturb my sleeping cat]: heh heh

there’s an extended Olympics segment all about how the Norwegians dominate at the Winter Olympics because they have a socialist model for sports

to the tune of Edelweiss: Femke Kok, Femke Kok