i always liked being driven to school by my parents because it gave me both the time and the audience to sing my little song

she shaw on my shank until I am redeemed

she nuzzi on my lizza until i canto

When I encounter myself as a different colored cursor because I have the Google Doc open in two tabs

please, my wife…she’s so aloof

getting reports that he was directly struck down by God

damn, i wish i was your daniel

under communism all of the screens in times square will now air the clip of michael rappaport getting eaten by sharks in deep blue sea

Mamdani said he is going to get me world cup tickets

genuinely beautiful that new york elected a muslim lefty mayor the same day that dick cheney died

i'll be launching something called Lunch2 in just a couple hours

just....enjoy this

I just won big on Kalshi

President Xi. I'm an American boy from the mid atlantic states and I'm appealing to you for a high quality translation of We Never Stop. It would be so "pervert" if you could help me.

leaving a single burning charcoal briquette on Hank Hill's doorstep

if i'm at work, and you're flying the plane, then who's serenading our cat?

[officiating your wedding] welcome family and friends, uncs and gamers

i'm still excited to see it but Hamnet so obviously sounds like an internet for pork products

I’m finally pursuing my *dreams* of having a podcast about movies that make your cry, and the first episode —about The Nutty Professor—is here. podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/i...

have we tried making trump drumpf again or...?

Vampires shooting people with guns is funny because people are their food. Imagine unloading a clip into a plate of pasta.

the haters can't stand when i wear my taps shoes into the Basílica de la Sagrada Família

kids these days are listening to the hit single "Melatonin for my Sins" by the artist Mr Sleepy on his debut album Honk Shoo

im addicted to saying "me cookie. cookie me" whenever I'm hungry

My "Never get excited for any politician ever" gambit continues to pay massive dividends.

i think to show that he has been reformed graham platner must get a coverup tattoo of the sexy jar jar binks

goofy [cocking his gun]: im all outta hyucks to give

Does the Israel Day Parade have a right to exist?

Flo Rida taking a bite of his sandwich: welcome to my mouth

don't believe your lying eyes

not surprising but the price of world cup tickets on the secondary market is absolutely disgusting

oh wow so i've been eating like a lot of lead

after 20 seasons i feel confident in saying that there are 5 archetypal characters to a good season of Taskmaster: 1. The Clever One 2. The Lovable Kook 3: The Here for a Good Time One 4. The Charmingly Disaffected One 5. The Can't Be Arsed One

signing an NDA with my fingers crossed

[only ever heard the word aloud before] holy shit i'm being supeenahd

as the regime's new press secretary i'm on tv vehemently insisting that trump doesn't fart. he's never farted once in his life. his body operates at an extreme level of efficiency

dudes rock

My memory says this was always on when I was a kid

Pet Sematary (1989)

the wife guy is unconstrained by political affiliation

"There are decades where nothing happens; and there are weeks where decades happen" is about how my cats are really bored but then a fly gets inside the house

James Bond: License to Pod will follow his journey as a podcaster and content creator

they're doing this to me tomorrow

central PA mentioned [derogatory]