He's saying the thing is gonna happen soon.

Imagine if Burger King made a limited edition Whopper variant named in your honor.

It's crazy in the British version of The Office that Brent is allowed carte blanche to just show up and hang out whenever he wants even though he recently sued the company for wrongful termination and won.

Happy Pride.

I had a parakeet as a kid and that little guy masturbated CONSTANTLY.

I don't know if I wanna trust the guy behind Phone Crack for Your Moms.

My main takeaway from working this weekend is that everybody must've just gotten their Freedom 250 shirts last week and couldn't wait for an excuse to wear them out.

Guy who doesn't eat pussy: "When are we gonna get a straight pride month!?"

Happy "Why Isn't There a Straight Pride Month?" Month to all forced to tolerate.

"Look, if you had one shot or one opportunity To seize everything you ever wanted in one moment Would you capture it or just let it slip?"

It's getting so that no amount of money is worth working in customer service anymore.

I love the Phil Collins song Land of Confusion where he, a Baby Boomer, says: "I won't be coming home tonight My generation will put it right We're not just making promises That we know we'll never keep" How'd that turn out, Phil?

Young Boy Devastated to See Several Shadow Wallets Suddenly Bet Against Grandpa Surviving His Surgery on Polymarket

They did it. Those sons of bitches actually went and killed satire.

Conservatives can't create meaningful art? Okay, explain this then:

If I were a drag queen I'd go by the name Jacqueline Onassty.

They'd take us to church every week and make us worship this jacked God and then wonder why we had confidence issues.

Me: [snickers] "Do you have ten pound balls?" [Immediately banned from bowling alley]

Why the hell won't Peter Parker help take down Spider-Man!?

Reskeeting a skeet from one of BlueSky's most popular skeeters like the kid in the Shake n' Bake commercial who shouted "And I helped!"

I love how AMC trailers are now 1. Trailers 2. Ad for Amazon 3. More trailers 4. AMC ad telling you you’re at a movie 5. AMC ad reminding you that you’re at a movie 6. 5-sec cut of Nicole Kidman reminding you you’re at the movies 7. TURN OFF YOUR PHONE 8. Did you know you’re at the movies

We need another big dog movie.

IP address? More like I peed a dress!

Tupac Shakur has now officially declined to perform at the Freedom 250 festival. Wait, WHHHHHHAAAAAATT!?!?

In a shocking move, The River Bottom Nightmare Band has backed out of the Freedom 250 festival. The Frogtown Hollow Jubilee Jug Band ft. Ma Otter is still expected to perform.

Crucial Taunt has now dropped out of the Freedom 250 festival.

GET ON YOUR BIKES AND RIDE!

Wow, everyone working at this store is fuckin' miserable!

Shallow Gravy has now dropped out of the Freedom 250 celebration.

I don't know why, but I always wanted a shirt with just one big houndstooth. Added to my summer shirt line.

Going in for a Saturday closer. Guess we'll do some BINGO.

I'm kinda tired of having to deal with people who can't tell the difference between someone who has important things to say and deserves to be listened to and a washed-up celebrity who's been struggling to stay relevant for decades and would do anything for a spot in the limelight.

My first crush:

That 1998 Zorro movie happened and we all saw it happen and nobody can tell you it didn't happen.

Don't even tell me this wasn't intentional. I see you, Abbott Elementary set designer!

Lindsey Graham has molester energy. No, I will not elaborate.

The weird nerd in junior high who thought it was cool to wear his backpack on his front for some reason.

What a pile of fluff.

Don't even tell me this wasn't intentional. I see you, Abbott Elementary set designer!

Proud owner of @theonion.com Infowars shades 🙌😎

Oh my god, C+C disavowed an entire human over this bullshit!

lol, so Flo Rida's gonna be all alone out there.

These are cryptids. These guys are part of American folklore.

My dad was like the Daniel Webster of racial slurs.

Romeow and Purrliet