Microplastics from cheap, drug store Valentine's Day merchandise in your cock tube means love ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

This stock market crash is gonna be so bleak, but maybe we’ll get to laugh at some c-suite asshole taking a header out of their office onto a cybertruck or something.

I forgot that I found out last week that some of these boomer busses are coming from The Villages (yes, THAT The Villages), so that might explain the bizarre behavior during the first couple hours we're open.

It took me less than an hour to get so burnt out on this place that I've already decided to not do anything for the rest of the day.

Some lady just took a wooden spoon off the shelf and spanked her husband with it. Which doesn't seem like that big a deal, but it wasn't in a light, playful way. It was HARD. Like I heard the slapping from WAY across the department. And it went on for way longer than it should have.

This customer just complained that the woks we sell are made in China. THE WOKS! We were only open for 15 minutes before someone made me question if I can keep doing this job without snapping.

She's almost two years old and I hate that she's growing up.

Valentine's Day is when people show their love by stopping at CVS on the way home.

@90sneverhappened.bsky.social: Holy shit, if Spider-Man had thrown himself after Gwen Stacy as hard as Dan did she'd still be alive.

@90sneverhappened.bsky.social: I believe a blackjack is a leather sack filled with ball bearings.

Can we please start calling them "the Epstein Philes"? Either the files themselves or the people in them, I don't care which.

Sorry, not gonna make it to work today.

The customer yelling at me because the flour sifter he wants is out of stock:

Nobody Does It Better is about cunnilingus.

All my posts reflect the opinions of my employer. Reskeets are endorsements.

Pam Bondi tonight:

Over on threads someone just use ai;dr and we all need to adopt that right quick

Shampoo for my real friends. Real poo for my sham friends.

Much ado about Tubthumping

Hey, I got to use the thing!

Mom Strong Arms Cashier Into Accepting Expired Coupon

I bet Hank thought of Skylar when he jerked it.

Worked at a place where we'd get take out every day for lunch and one of us would have to go pick it up. Whenever this certain manager was working he'd ask us to go to Wendy's and order two five-piece chicken nuggets. We'd always make sure to eat a nugget from each one before bringing it in.

Make Your Own Kind of Music is about farting.

I have to give it up for Honey I Shrunk the Kids because that scene where their pet ant is killed by the scorpion is FUCKING BRUTAL. That's my most boomerish quality I think: I miss children's entertainment that wasn't afraid to traumatize children.

Being a conservative must be exhausting. Like they just had to spend five years pretending "Let's Go Brandon" was the funniest shit ever and NOW they're expected to pretend Kid Rock is good? I don't know, team, I don't think I'd have it in me no matter cult of the personality is.

It’s here! We bid Carnage and all his murderous friends a fond farewell and finish Maximum Carnage. We also discuss how Peter was right, how he loves saving killers, and the proper use of power generators. The 90s Never Happened Episode 9: Way Too Much Carnage www.podbean.com/ei/pb-dk59v-...

Need a “come and take it” flag with the Costco chicken on it

I got a message to all my haters out there: Please stop, you're hurting my feelings. Let's talk this out.

Was that episode of Seinfeld where George dates Monica Lewinsky (without knowing how well known she is or why) a fanfiction thing or was it an episode they wrote and never aired? No I will not Google it.

I don't know, is this anything?

"Not even God takes this long to get back, so get back." - Poe, Hello

Being at work right now feels a hell of a lot like the last year or so of my previous marriage. Trying to remind myself that just because I had a good day today doesn't mean things are okay after all.

Announcement time! 📢 Safe Haven, a cosmic sitcom fantasy by yours truly, has a release date! It drops on March 31st and will be available for preorder shortly. It’s funny, it’s scary, and it’s queer as hell. Don’t miss out or you’ll have to wait for a rerun! 🌈📚🪐📚💙

New meme format just dropped.

Bad romcom moment. Norah Ephron couldn't salvage this plot.

Manager is lying to me about how the inventory system works so it records sales of my items from her department even though they're selling from my area. She's clearly cheating the system to boost her own sales and forgetting I've been here longer than her and know this system better than most.

I don't know what it would take to redeem Target at this point, but it is a little hopeful that a retailer of this size is looking at adding staff as a way to help the bottom line as most retailers believe the opposite.

I don't care what anyone says, Ted manipulating Robin to get rid of her dogs because they made him think of her exes is completely irredeemable.

I can name ANY relationship during the second half of How I Met Your Mother's run, but Ted and Stella was the first time I felt like the show had outlived its premise and did not have the bandwidth to see him in a long-term relationship with someone we know for sure isn't the mother.

@danielaegan.bsky.social: Bet you have opinions on this and wondering if it's Turk and Carla.

Blueski algorithm fucking with me by putting people trying quote-dunk on me on a thread I muted in my feed.

This is absolutely an attack on the unhoused population.

Muting thread for people that don't understand what "no redemption arcs" means.

People really aren't tired of the same memes we've been seeing since like 2012? It's getting more and more discouraging for those of us making fresh, new memes every day.

Objectively untrue.

My wife says I gave Gladis a dumb name. Is she right?