Guest contributor Alfonse Schrempf would like the guy nailing his wife to know he's committed a grave injustice in mocking his beloved Cybertruck. theservingtimes.beehiiv.com/p/cybercuck-...

Patient's mother: "Give it to me straight, doc. Does my kid have autism?" Dr. Mix-A-Lot: "Well...."

Guest contributor Alfonse Schrempf would like the guy nailing his wife to know he's committed a grave injustice in mocking his beloved Cybertruck. theservingtimes.beehiiv.com/p/cybercuck-...

Beehiiv is such an unserious app.

Oh my god dude, fuck off so hard that you accidentally fuck off around the entire planet only to fuck all the way off so that you end up right back where you originally fucked off from and then fuck off again.

Dear Management: I don't know what the fucking hell a "popcorn party" is but the idea of having one does not motivate me to do more work. Sorry.

Managers coming down the sales floor for the first time all day and seeing it's busy even though this happens every year after Christmas:

Already laying the ground work by mentioning to several people that my shift ends earlier than it does so nobody will notice when I just disappear off the sales floor later.

Imagining the owner of the only other ham place at the airport storming over and being like "Dude, what the fuck!?"

I swear, I don't have any love for my store's management team or our corporate overlords, but if one more customer walks by and pointedly talks shit about my store one more time I'm going to have to do the unthinkable and defend this place.

Do the complaints you make to lowly retail workers really never make it up to corporate? Of course they don't, you idiot! But read our investigative piece about it anyway: theservingtimes.beehiiv.com/p/the-fuss-s...

Shit, holiday threw me off my game. Forgot we still have more 2025 top ten Serving Times articles to post!

Dumbshits: "People born in the 50s didn't get autism." My boomer geometry teacher for no reason: "Let me tell you everything about wolverines for the 100th time."

Imagine you just gave birth and some guy in futuristic clothes and shit shows up and says "They sent me here from the future to KILL THAT BABY!". You really wanna put Hitler's poor mother through that?

The fuckin' logic is astounding that someone would be given a bra as a hint that they should be wearing one but instead wears said bra as a top as some kind of weird flex. This is just not something a real person would do is what I'm saying.

Do, and I can't stress this enough, NOT put a hole in the fucking washtub!

This is absurd, these people are dumb as rocks

Make a Bond movie more casual Casino Paysanne

Folks, you can't harass and intimidate people based on how they look. Please just let people live their lives without the fear of undeserved persecution!

"See Mihn, I told you Hank was a world-class rug muncher!"

I'd like to take a moment to talk about the River Bottom boys 🧵 (Spoilers for Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas)

Anyone else sad to see "oppress conservatives by forcing them to say 'happy holidays'" season come to an end?

Throwing hands with my brother-in-law because he doesn't believe me that The Grinch and The Cat in the Hat did a crossover.

Yo, FUCK Whoville!! The Grinch was exiled and ostracized for not accepting their religion. Whovillians are militaristic religious fanatics.

@bencollins.bsky.social: Pack it in, it's over.

December 24th, 2025: The day satire finally died for good.

If anyone wants to give me a Christmas present, just pick a Serving Times article and share it: theservingtimes.beehiiv.com

Holy shit, we close in 30 minutes and it's busier than it's been all friggin' day. Both predictable and annoying.

Perhaps my favorite line I've ever written.

Just good advice for anyone spending the holidays with their dreaded loved ones: theservingtimes.beehiiv.com/p/nevergoful...

Andy Kaufman shows up and blows everybody's mind!

Miss being a kid and saying something like "sork my dork!" and then arguing with my mom that I shouldn't be in trouble because I didn't technically swear.

"Buglight Theory" is a good name for this phenomenon as I already refer to customers who display this behavior as "mosquitoes".

I swear, one day I'm going to talk to a real behavioral psychologist about the way there will be like six people in my department and four of them will actively get in my way. My going theory is that they're attracted by the activity which piques their animalistic curiosity.

Magi posting shit like: "Heading to Bethlehem, new savior just dropped."

Imagine seeing this while spending Christmas with a family member who knows it's their last because they can't afford the medical care they need. Seriously fuck this country.

Aunt Cindy posting.

American Dad was so real for this.

Me the second I punch in:

Humbugmaxing today.

Love that the back office people can just randomly throw themselves a Christmas party and nobody notices they're just not gonna work that day while we're down on the sales floor moving stock and sweating our asses off.

Coming into a place where people have to work decked out in your Santa hats, jingle bells, and other gay apparel just seems like a real dick move.

Sad story: Jonah Hill is so desperate for work he's taken a job as Ellen DeGeneres's stunt double.

I'm not saying this just to seem cool or whatever, but "piss" has legit been my favorite word for many long years.

How about using your obscene wealth to make society better and people's lives easier? "Okay, ONE task is beneath me."

Gonna get in trouble for wearing my ear buds, but it's like every parent in Tampa with a crying kid decided to come here tonight but not all at once so it's just been a consistent wave of screaming children.

All I fucking want is ONE GODDAMN NIGHT where it starts consistently slow at work. I'm so sick of this fucking bullshit where it suddenly gets busy in the last hour and my department gets trashed.