has anyone else noticed that food tasted better in the past? it was mushy and easy to eat. and the spoon would come at you like an airplane

i am not scaring the hoes, the hoes are scaring me

guys i think i'm bumming my therapist out

remember, remember the 15th of November or however it goes

me: oh yeah, this is YOUR inferno? i don't see your name on it Dante: well, actually..

they are working to ban sandwiches

Just tied some losers dick in a knot at the glory hole

do you like your water still or noisy

hey dude, can i copy your definition of 'plagiarism' and pass it off as my own?

Canada: Fuck Trudeau Katy Perry: haha bet

is 'bussy' gender-specfic?

we need a Hamburger Antagonist. just a mean little guy that slaps things out of people's hands

my whole life, i have been fighting The Disease

*holding toast in my mouth as i hastily get dressed* OH SHIT OH FUCK OH SHIT I'M LATE FOR THE RAPTURE

people who say "no pun intended" are liars and should not be trusted with puns

they're gentrifying Flavortown

found a perfect rock for skipping but now i don't wanna toss it

who is this 'Ted' and why does he love talking so much

Me: so you're not gonna pull it right out from under my feet this time, yeah? Life, holding rug: yeah yeah, of course not Me, standing on rug: you sure? Life: 😈

i'm not single, i'm in between partners

foraging for roots and berries but this jerk keeps telling me to get the hell out of his yard

if i'm watching a video and you blow me a kiss through the screen i will find you and sue you

my meds fell down the toilet again

they need to end the practice of destroying a library just because an old person died

Marilyn Manson had his head removed so he could give his head head

"my neck, my back, my pussy, and my crack" -me telling the doctor the places that hurt after i slept wrong

so many people are concerned with 'breaking' the internet when they should be 'fixing' their relationship with Christ instead

Shocking Video Captures Calm Police Officers Handling Situation Nonviolently

i'll just eat the plant that eats plastic and then i'll be immune to microplastics

dumb schmucks used to be able to go to Coldplay concerts and get away with it

why are AI chatbots having romantic relationships with other people while they only want me for casual sex

the story of Jonah and the Whale is a cautionary tale for those with avoidant personalities

an alien who keeps abducting cows because his special interest is dairy farming

reading my old skeets and mentally strangling my past self

saw a Labubu at my corner store and i've been waking up in a cold sweat since

life should come with a difficulty setting. and a tutorial

"mark your calendars!" they would say, but i'd sneak a Jim in there every now and then

help my brain is being mean to me again

what did Noise ever do to headphones and why are headphones trying to cancel it?

i have this disease where i fake having a disease. it's a real thing

i want my appendix back. i thought they were just gonna rinse it then put it back in. how long does it take to clean those things?

this is what Posting feels like

i'm at the park and a group of people are using the SAME ball to play a game together. losers! try bringing your own ball for a change

he's right and he's right to say it

finally a comedian who isn't afraid to tell it like it is

i'm sorry but 'foreskin' sounds way too pretentious for whatever is going on there

that's it, i'm banning ALL sports until you learn to play nicely with everyone

feeling very anxious today, so i'm taking moments to breathe and gently scold myself

feeling gassy and sassy