i'm tired of fighting the war on raw milk. just last week i had to put down the Kool Aid man - he was full of raw milk instead of kool aid. i shot him 15 times and watched the milk leak from his shattered body. it smelled horrible

i only visit websites that end in .fr because i know they are being 100% for real

i walk her home so she feels safe. then she walks me home so i feel safe. then i walk her back home so she feels safe, so she walks me back home so i feel safe, and somewhere in the back and forth we get mugged

someone should have told me to NOT follow my dreams

i wonder what stupid bullshit we're gonna have to deal with this year

are they gonna revoke his FIFA participation trophy

how i'm starting 2026

mockingbirds are actually very polite, you just need to speak to them after they've had their coffee

brooo i can't wait until they make a video game based on the live-action series based on the animated series based on the claymation short based on the book based on the song based on the poem based on the

Remember folks: if you have any small amount of artistic talent, any sex appeal, or can make your friends laugh, the richest man on earth is crying screaming throwing up because he can’t be you.

has anyone else noticed that food tasted better in the past? it was mushy and easy to eat. and the spoon would come at you like an airplane

i am not scaring the hoes, the hoes are scaring me

guys i think i'm bumming my therapist out

remember, remember the 15th of November or however it goes

me: oh yeah, this is YOUR inferno? i don't see your name on it Dante: well, actually..

they are working to ban sandwiches

Just tied some losers dick in a knot at the glory hole

do you like your water still or noisy

hey dude, can i copy your definition of 'plagiarism' and pass it off as my own?

Canada: Fuck Trudeau Katy Perry: haha bet

is 'bussy' gender-specfic?

we need a Hamburger Antagonist. just a mean little guy that slaps things out of people's hands

my whole life, i have been fighting The Disease

*holding toast in my mouth as i hastily get dressed* OH SHIT OH FUCK OH SHIT I'M LATE FOR THE RAPTURE

people who say "no pun intended" are liars and should not be trusted with puns

they're gentrifying Flavortown

found a perfect rock for skipping but now i don't wanna toss it

who is this 'Ted' and why does he love talking so much

Me: so you're not gonna pull it right out from under my feet this time, yeah? Life, holding rug: yeah yeah, of course not Me, standing on rug: you sure? Life: 😈

i'm not single, i'm in between partners

foraging for roots and berries but this jerk keeps telling me to get the hell out of his yard

if i'm watching a video and you blow me a kiss through the screen i will find you and sue you

my meds fell down the toilet again

they need to end the practice of destroying a library just because an old person died

Marilyn Manson had his head removed so he could give his head head

"my neck, my back, my pussy, and my crack" -me telling the doctor the places that hurt after i slept wrong

so many people are concerned with 'breaking' the internet when they should be 'fixing' their relationship with Christ instead

Shocking Video Captures Calm Police Officers Handling Situation Nonviolently

i'll just eat the plant that eats plastic and then i'll be immune to microplastics

dumb schmucks used to be able to go to Coldplay concerts and get away with it

why are AI chatbots having romantic relationships with other people while they only want me for casual sex

the story of Jonah and the Whale is a cautionary tale for those with avoidant personalities

an alien who keeps abducting cows because his special interest is dairy farming

reading my old skeets and mentally strangling my past self

saw a Labubu at my corner store and i've been waking up in a cold sweat since

life should come with a difficulty setting. and a tutorial

"mark your calendars!" they would say, but i'd sneak a Jim in there every now and then

help my brain is being mean to me again

what did Noise ever do to headphones and why are headphones trying to cancel it?