Had a big cry. Burned out in a big way. My son needs to go and stay somewhere and give me space. I have zero capacity to deal with him right now. I’ve been begging for respite for years. He refuses to go anywhere. Looking after him will kill me. I only get sicker with all the stress :( FML

Seems I’m gaining weight now :( Not having the best day really.

Apparently using gestures when words won’t come out is rude. My son doesn’t like it.

Well, last night sucked. 2 hours sleep at 10:30pm. Then 2 more hours at 7:30am. The rest of the night I was rolling around in agony. Everyone is up now. Sleep is over.

Mika and I spend time together when everyone else is asleep. She likes to keep me company when I can’t sleep.

Still awake at 5:30am. Might have to go with a sedative. I’ll be worse if I don’t get any sleep at all. My head feels like it needs a hole drilled in it to relieve the pressure. Painkillers are doing nothing 😑 Chronic pain needs to be shot into the sun.

Migraine and bad pain night. I’d give anything for a pain free life. Waking up in excruciating pain is exhausting. Managed 2 hours sleep. Quietly hoping I pass out.

The hard days

I desperately need to get out of the house. It’s not possible as it just makes me so much sicker. Still have that feeling though. Going a bit nuts. Can’t even step outside without being blinded. Sunlight is a big no. How long could you spend in one room?

The animals are sharing a can of tuna tonight. Low effort pet dinner. I just cooked two mini jam donuts in the air fryer. They were delicious!

It’s been a sleepy day. Didn’t do a damn thing. All “rest”. It’s rest but while exhausted and in pain, so not terribly enjoyable. Feeling really defeated at the moment. Need cheering up. Being chronically ill just never ends. It’s like a roller coaster that never stops. Just round and round.

One year ago today I had 2 teeth extracted at the dental hospital in the city. What a drama that was. The teeth are much better out than in. All healed up now. I’d been in excruciating pain for over 6 months rotten, infected back teeth. Chewing is more of a challenge now, but I can eat again

It must be nightmare season or something. Just woke up from another one :/

The cat likes to keep me company when I’m awake at stupid o’clock

Anyway, I feel like death warmed up. Desperately need sleep but too stressed. It’s times like this having someone actually there for me would be nice. I’d kill for a hug. Life is hard.

It hasn’t been a good night. I’m emotionally and physically wrecked. I’ve had to go from trembling in fear for an hour, to being a counsellor. I can’t do it. I can’t live like this. It’s way too stressful. I’m way too sick and I just keep getting sicker from all the stress. It’s fucked

So. Much. This!!

It has been just me looking after my son for a couple of decades. I’ve had no life outside of looking after him. I’m old and sick now, I’ll never get to do anything with my life. Seems I’m burned out AGAIN because I never get respite. It’s too much for one person. I need time off.

Think I can start to relax. Mr22 is calmer. Animals have been fed. Time for evening pain meds so hopefully I’ll feel better soon. The delivery I was waiting on this afternoon did turn up and has all been put away & rubbish sorted. Even managed to clean myself up and change clothes! Now, REST!

Very bad here tonight

The Temu shampoo ads are out of control

Today seems to be a nap day. Almost 2pm and I think I’m awake now. Waiting on a delivery to arrive. Still watching ER. Bored but exhausted again. I have company though…

I feel this one

Oh no. Have that “I’ve been at a club all night drinking and smoking” feeling. Hope it’s not germs.

Awake from a nightmare at 3am. Fell asleep at 9pm. The animals have finally settled again. Watching some ER. The dog is on the couch with me, and the cat has given up trying to scratch through the door and gone back to bed. Need to stay awake for a while or the nightmare will start up again.

Need to feed the animals, but need rest first. They have dry food, so they’re not starving. Always feel bad if it’s late though. Had to empty all the household bins this afternoon. Managed to pull together some dinner for myself too. Now I need a break. Legs are saying “Nope!”

Just inhaled dinner. Seems I was absolutely starving because I ate the whole thing.

Bored. There’s mess to clean up, but no. Way beyond my capacity. Still going with ER marathon. Resting hard but wishing I could do something. The lounge room rug is filthy, but vacuuming = my PEM getting worse. I’ve even tried it while sitting. No can do. So I just try to tolerate the mess :/

WILDFLOWER SEASON!!!

Just woke from a big nightmare. No idea WTF my brain is on. That was really disturbing.

@libbylouguru on Insta

Bad pain night. Head to toe pain at 8/10. I’d give anything for a cure for chronic pain. Not painkillers, they’re just a bandaid. A real way to switch the pain off. This much pain for no reason is pure torture. It’s 3am and I’ve slept an hour all night. 2 Panadeine Forte isn’t going to cut it.

It’s midnight and I need to lie down, but I have company on the couch

Animals are all fed. I used headphones while Mr22 cooked his dinner. Much more tolerable without all the noise. Still need a solution for when the lights are on. Hat? Special glasses? Blindfold is going too far. Still watching ER and still bored, exhausted, and in pain. I miss hugs.

Did we really need to know who Banksy is? The mystery was the fun part.

Definitely did too much yesterday with a delivery to put away, and forms to fill out. I’ve barely moved today. Resting now to get the energy to feed the animals. I’d be less ill if I had help with stuff around here. Always pushing myself is how I ended up so incredibly sick in the first place.

Kabana, cheese and crackers for dinner. I shared with the cat and the dog. They both seem to like kabana. I’d better feed them properly later. Mr22 will be awake soon to cook his dinner. I know he has to eat, but I loathe all the bright light and noise :(

Today has been mostly naps. Very boring. There may be another nap coming too. The cat was pretty determined to keep me awake last night. I only slept 3 hours. Still going with an ER marathon. Stir craziness is kicking in again, but no energy to do anything. I’d honestly rather be tidying up.

Oh in family gossip, the ex in-law who announced to the family she was dying of breast cancer, doesn’t have cancer at all. She just panicked everyone for attention. Exactly what I expected when I heard the news. My poor kid was freaking out for nothing. Such a bitch.

It’s a bad pain night. Only had 3 hours sleep. Decided to have another ER marathon to try to distract myself. It’s not working yet.

This girl woke me at 2am and 4am. Not exactly impressed. She only looks innocent.

Should have my drivers licence back soon! Got the paperwork emailed to me today, so I’ve emailed it to the government. Just waiting on a physical letter to confirm. Not that I’ll be driving anytime soon. My car is pretty much off the road as well. It’s sat unused for too long.

In the 1970s/80s, we used to hang around rural crossroads at night, taking turns to stand wearing a hooded cloak, carrying a scythe. We'd slowly point a finger at oncoming vehicles. We stopped doing it after a car went in to the ditch. Sorry to all who thought they saw Death.

This is criminal. This is why medical gaslighting is deadly. Maybe just believe women for once.