[Kyle Schwarber hits a home run]: I love the American man Kyle Schwarber. He is shaped like a fire hydrant and does bad things to baseballs. [the camera cuts to a crowd of Arizonans hooting and/or hollering]: Death To The American Swine

My stupid ass heading into the navy pier flyover

In the 20th subcircuit race I can’t vote for Belle Katubig because IMO there’s no such thing as a Kat Tu Big

it's a pleasant surprise if you find a crossdressing character in a 90s anime and the joke being told is funny

He was right to say this though

Logging on

is this anything

Some proper spring weather happening

Run More Trains

Need it to warm up to shorts weather real quick because all my jeans have crotch holes again

Can’t stop thinking about other alliterative compound dude names. Gregdave Grubbin. Toddjeff Tuggin. Bilbo Baggins

Doctor: he looks like the front of an intercity bus. what will you name him Markwayne Mullin’s mother: Markwayne Mullin

Looks like she packed a sack lunch, smart

It’s vitally important that everyone pronounce “Markwayne” like Mr. Garvey in the Key & Peele substitute teacher skit

More like kristi noemployment

2016: the Wendy’s twitter account posts self-aware jokes, opening an irreverent new frontier in brand marketing 2026: “CEO mukbang” is now compulsory for all fast food retailers

It’s pretty cool that Charon is a god but not the god *of* anything. His “domain” is just having a service job and getting paid a fair wage. He presumably bought his own boat. The workingman’s god

Did Rahm hire the same publicist as that clammy anti-aging guy because holy shit he is inescapable

Close enough

Tips for gamers

Cornin’ up that beef

Looking at the land use around the Buffalo Grove Metra station and taking 999 pts of psychic damage per second

Robitussy got me actin strange

“Adblockers violate our terms of service” Good

[turning calendar page in horror: MARCH 1852]

Wha was up with that balloon letters guy. Is he still out there? Was he ever real

We're smokin' that Argentinian himejoshi catgirl shit out of a puma bone pipe at an altitude of 12,600 feet, concurrent with the third Dynasty of Ur, you stupid shit.

You want a new flavor of pastoral american ennui?? Put those bitches in a semi rural Midwestern farm town.

We got do something about the evangelicals man

Almost got tricked into watching a video essay 😰

This is the exact neighborhood where two years ago at a work onsite half my team took a Waymo to dinner and it took them an extra 15 minutes to arrive because it wouldn’t take any left turns

My favorite part of the annual sexual harassment training is when you tell Dylan the supervisor he shouldn’t date his direct report and then in the next module he’s like “well I did it anyway 🤠”

Our brave wet president has just been diagnosed with the world’s first case of full body trench foot

Predicting a huge single-day spike in use of the word “sloughing”

I knew that Pulaski was still Crawford north of Devon, but I didn’t realize there’s a ~3000 foot pocket of Crawford entirely within the village of Robbins that becomes Pulaski again from Midlothian onward

Sick shopping at the Jewel? Hungry but too delirious to cook? Try 12 Plain Entenmann’s donuts directly from the box. Certainly you will not regret eating 12 Plain Entenmann’s donuts directly from the box

If I have to see NY Times headline litigation one more time I swear I’m gonna McFucking Lose It

At this point I’m pretty sure my sinus woes are just everything refusing to heal up properly due to the hot and dry radiator air in my house. Which is a crazy thing to encounter after an entire winter of living in said air with no problems

And with a LARGE degree of disrespect: if you used or advocated for AI in my industry, I will never work with you or hire you, ever. You earned a lifetime membership to my personal shitlist. You knew it was wrong, and you did not care, and you get to reconcile with the ramifications of your choices.

If I was a Troop in a position to get killed by this current operation I’d be arranging for the press to report my death as a freak toilet accident because that would be far less embarrassing than dying for the whims of king pedophile

So I guess my respiratory system is just going to feel like moldy basement walls forever

She can be your angle…. or yuor devil

Life, it never die,

What is there to do/see in Cleveland these days

Alright so I’m home from my trip and my sinuses seem to have decided to pick up right where they left off re: drowning me in mucus for no apparent reason