Auditioning to be my 10-year-old's joke writer. Sent him to school today with this one: "Aw, man, the number before eight was up all night coughing and sneezing."

The New Republicans featuring JD touring the old hits across Midwest county fairs

When the front person of a popular band dies, the remaining members often try to replace them with someone else or go on without them. But the band usually breaks up or fades into obscurity, maybe playing old hits to a small crowd if they're lucky. Anyway, just thinking about politics this morning.

If you've ever wanted to own an Alley Oop book, but were waiting for one written by me, now's your chance! www.paypal.com/ncp/payment/...

The supreme court rules that "the government is merely attesting to a historical fact." Incidentally, passports will now record your weight, height, hair color, and age at birth.

Teamwork makes the cream fork

phonie

Perfume: Put a Different Stink on Your Stink!

It's true! (not sure why they gave it to me at the polling place though.)

Sorry, but my hands were tied!

It works pretty well!

🎃Happy Smelloween!🦶

My Halloween costume this year is this very post. I'm inside your phone, looking out through the eye holes, watching you do things! 👁️ 👁️

I dunno, man. Sometimes the only way to get a stupid idea out of my head is to just draw it. Otherwise it cycles around and around in my brain forever.

The dead internet theory is wishful thinking. This shit hole is sadly here to stay.

The internet is humanity's most effective misunderstanding machine. Congratulations to us all for contributing to it every day!

The species name Grouch is a portmanteau of the words ground and pouch as they form a web-lined nest underground known as a pouch. They covertly surveil the surroundings of the pouch entrance (often camouflaged as an ordinary piece of street furniture) for the approach of prey before they strike.

There's a hole in the bottom of the trashcan and he grows underground like a big green ginger root. Jim Henson confided that in me before he died.

Whatever the level of famousness is where you don't check your notifications is what I want to be.

👨❤️🤖

I always mix up Super Tap and Spinal Tramp.

C'mon, Dave!

When I said the government should take care of its citizens I didn't mean in the Mafia way!

Personally I don't think they're going far enough. Demolish the entire White House. Then keep going and level all of D.C., then the rest of America. Think of how big the ballroom would be!

New women's Fall styles: * Boyfriend jeans * Dad-cut shirts * Boy shorts * Husband socks * Bro bras * Man gloves * Dad tops * Brother-style ballet flats * Gross uncle who no one talks about anymore berets

Reasons for inflation: - high demand - low demand - government policy (real) - government policy (feared) - just wanna - can - why not - it's fun

Classic album by the Half Faces!

An experiment

Augmentation

No one's going to outbid me!

I believe congratulations is in order! He did it!

Clippit

I know the world is a horrible place right now, but this weekend I had to listen to multiple men recommend the absolute worst-sounding movies and shows to me, so spare some kindness toward me.

Pretty clear Stephen Miller, Noem, Hegseth and Trump are trying to provoke a Civil War at this point. What's interesting is they want to do it now, because even though they're unpopular, they seem to believe this is the most popular they'll be ever again. We can't let them win.

10 PRINT "I am a BASIC bitch" 20 GOTO 10 RUN

Finally figured out why the first 24 letter-shaped sticks I found weren't pointing to anything useful!

Friday afternoon work doodle

Cupcake Shutdown

Rest assured that despite being offered millions of dollars I will not be performing at the comedy festival on Murder Island. That's because I wasn't invited. And it's not a real place. And I'm secretly just an incorporeal LLM.

If the government doesn't show up within the first 15 minutes, the day is cancelled and you're allowed to go home.

Once this is all over we're gonna need a new flag. Here are 3 of my suggestions.

Drunky Hateswife

Seek mindfulness? I'm not even a fan of being aware. Or conscious.

It's a bit of a commitment, but this show really hits its stride around minute 685,000

Monday Morning, 3 A.M.

Hello?

My car window sticker of Calvin peeing on RFK Jr seems to be having no effect on US politics whatsoever!!!